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 Post subject: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 9:41 am 
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Hi,

I suppose introductions like this are always a bit awkward in my opinion - but I will do my best.
I am a 22 year old woman, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed about two years ago and have been undergoing treatment for about 1,5 years. Every week I see a therapist one-on-one, and attend group therapy. I take my pills everyday and I read book by book about "recovering from BPD", "Gaining selfconfidence", or "find reasons to smile again" - and this all sounds very productive in theory, but what good does it do, when I am unable to take this into practice?

Borderline is destroying my life. Borderline lives off of me like a parasite and I no longer know if it is me or the borderline whom makes the decisions in my life anymore. I feel drained of Me. Along with my personality disorder, I am also narcissistic, fear social situations, deal with depression and lean torwards the symptoms of a person suffering from body dysmorphic disorder. My days consist of crying and screaming in disgust of my own reflection, avoiding any social contact I find possible, obsessing over my entire physical and mental being, strongly resembling that of paranoia. I have anxiety attacks, I "fade out" in situations that become too much, and I am consistently pushing away those who mean the most to me in fear that they will leave me if I don't do it first. In the past I have had numerous suicide attempts, harmed others both physically and emotionally and... well - the list goes on..

Now, I know this is nothing new for someone familiar with BPD - and I need you to know that I am very grateful for the therapeutic and medical help I am receiving today.

But it just isn't enough.

I feel like I don't have time to wait a year, two years or more to recover. Borderline is hurting me to the degree that I feel that I am dying. My paranoia, insecurities, depression, anxiety and pain these years has lead me to the point where I am so emotionally and physically drained I feel even getting out of bed is impossible. I have NO STRENGTH LEFT in order to RECOVER.

I want to give up. Give my body and mind a break from all this and just do it quick - borderline is already slowly killing me, and I know from experience that a pill could do that much quicker (and less painful). Please don't misunderstand me - I have NO WISH TO DIE. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore.

It was my husband who introduced me to this site. He stills believes in me when I do not, feels hope when I cannot and is strong when I am not. I want to prove his belief in me to be true.

I feel perhaps this site and this forum could be good for me - as I have never really shared the borderline-part of my life to others who could relate.

And so I come to what I feel is the end of my post (about time?) and don't really know what else I can say but thank you for reading this. Please do share your story with me, and if you've gotten there yet - your way to recovery?

Sincerely,
A


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 12:59 pm 
Hi Anika-

Welcome to BPDR.

I remember when I first started treatment - And I felt like it was all in vain.

I'd get sent home with these regulation worksheets, mindful worksheets, 700 books, spread them all in front of me in a pile while I sat my ass on the bed, and did them - I did them like I was filling out a job application, doing a math assignment. I'd reflect and write, observe and write, be 'mindful' and write...And nothing. I felt like this was the stupidest time waster of my entire life.

I remember going to therapy, clutching all my work in one hand and fanning it about, asking my therapist what the point was - If this was supposed to help me, why wasn't it HELPING ME? I ranted on for a bit before she asked me:

Are you letting it?

I was completely stunned by this (seemingly) stupid question. What do you mean, am I letting it? I'm doing the work, am I not? I'm coming here twice a week. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on. What do you MEAN, am I letting it? What do you think I'm doing this for, the sake of my good looks?

And within some weeks after that, her annoying question kept popping up in my head. I ruminated over it like I did everything else, until I finally realized -I wasn't. I wasn't letting it in. Yes, I was reading, I was working diligently, I was practicing my exercises, but I wasn't, really. It was on a superficial level and I was still afraid there was no point to it - So why bother? I felt as though I had been reporting back to my teacher in grade school rather than taking the baby steps I knew I was supposed to try taking, because it was safer that way.

I think we're so absolutely resistant to change, that we'd rather fall back on 'tried and true' no matter how badly it hurts us, than to let go and take a blind shot at something new. I never stopped being afraid. I took 2 steps forward and then 10 back, and I did it 20 times over. I threw away my books, then dug them out of the garbage can. But each time I made a promise to myself to stick with it a little longer than last time. And eventually I decided "Ugh - I'm sick of living this way. There has to be something better. Let me find out if this is the path to it." And finally, I was able to let it in. It wasn't smooth sailing from thereon out, but it most definitely was the start of my path to recovery.

So my question to you, Anika - Are you letting it?


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 10:01 pm 
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hey anika!
i THINK i understand how you feel. Feeling like it's the end of the rope, like there's no hope. Feeling like you don't want to die but you just want to end your suffering and pain, right?

It sucks man feeling that way and I know it sucks because I experience it too!

but you know what, feelings come and go, and they will pass away soon. Soon.

I'm still in the process of recovery, the 'abandonment / rejection pain' still comes to me and causes me to be in great pain, but the pain has been less and less intense...

I like the question, "are you letting it?"


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 12:49 pm 
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Hi Meremortal :)

thank you for your reply - you have no idea how much your words mean to me.
I am in a "much better place" today than I was yesterday, and this just proves what you are already saying: things do pass. I just hate the feeling of "oh, I've got the answer - everything will be OK now!" and then a minute later seeing/hearing something which switches back all those emotions I thought I had learned to hide or cope with, or ignore. But as you are both saying... try, try and try again?

I am happy to hear you say that you are in the process of recovery - and that you don't feel the pain as intense as you may have before. I have a question for you though: when you're down; in great pain, feeling rejected and abandoned - can you still feel that mentality somewhere within you? That there is hope, I mean - and that you know that these times will pass, and in time it will be less and less? I think I haven't quite gotten there yet. When I am down there is nothing else.. BUT, I have made a promise to myself never to make any decisions while in that state - and whenever I come out of it, all the emotions and thinking changes for the good :)

Again, thank you for your reply.
A


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 1:03 pm 
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Hi Raeni -

Wow, that hit me right in the core. (in a good way)
Iv'e always been afraid of change. Afraid of the unknown and afraid that when I walk into that "next room", I can't return back if I find that new place frightening. So it's sometimes easier to just stay where I am, regardless of what may be haunting me here. At least it's familiar. It's pain, but it IS managable.

I know exactly what you mean about taking two steps forward and ten steps back. It's like trying a new method of recovery and failing at the first try, so I give up and vow never to try the same one again because it simply hurts too much to climb up that ladder and fall back down. I've been so afraid of falling that I've just allowed myself to stay down. Sounds pathetic now that I say it out loud. But what I am trying to say here - is that you make an extremely good point. And maybe I need to think about it, just a bit more.

I like your therapist!

Myself, I have to say though. That I am having second thoughts about my treatment. I have received no homework assignments, no worksheets, no nothing. All I do is sit in a sterile office, talk about rejection, pain, guilt and all that borderline brings along... And by the time I come home, all that was said in that office (which actually made pretty much sense) doesn't sound right anymore.

Either way.

I'll get back to you on "letting it" - I feel this might be a whole new step for me :)
Again, thank you.

A


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 2:56 am 
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Anika wrote:
I have a question for you though: when you're down; in great pain, feeling rejected and abandoned - can you still feel that mentality somewhere within you? That there is hope, I mean - and that you know that these times will pass, and in time it will be less and less? I think I haven't quite gotten there yet. When I am down there is nothing else.. BUT, I have made a promise to myself never to make any decisions while in that state - and whenever I come out of it, all the emotions and thinking changes for the good :)

Again, thank you for your reply.
A


anika
you know something? I still struggle with feeling hopeless, especially when there is pain / when those abandonment / rejection feelings come. And I do still struggle with suicidal thoughts...

yet this battle has got to go on... sigh....


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 1:47 pm 
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Anika,

First, welcome to BPDR! We're glad you found us and hope you stick around. :)

Next, I'd like to suggest something to you. Your thread was titled "I am Borderline" and then you went on to write that you weren't sure whether it was you or the disorder making decisions in your life. If you change one little word in there, perhaps it would help Shift Your Perspective a bit. Instead of saying "I am Borderline" try saying "I have Borderline." That subtle difference distinguishes that you are a valid human being that has a disorder at the present time rather than indicating you and the disorder are wholly fused together without any hope of distinction between the two.

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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 8:54 am 
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Ash wrote:
Anika,

First, welcome to BPDR! We're glad you found us and hope you stick around. :)

Next, I'd like to suggest something to you. Your thread was titled "I am Borderline" and then you went on to write that you weren't sure whether it was you or the disorder making decisions in your life. If you change one little word in there, perhaps it would help Shift Your Perspective a bit. Instead of saying "I am Borderline" try saying "I have Borderline." That subtle difference distinguishes that you are a valid human being that has a disorder at the present time rather than indicating you and the disorder are wholly fused together without any hope of distinction between the two.


Ash -
I think I realized as soon as I had written "I AM borderline" that even that little word "am" does make a big difference. Just, at that moment - it seemed right. I many times feel like I am the borderline, that it has completely taken over my personality. But I agree with you, if I say it - I am borderline, I just make it more true. And that is the last thing I want.

Thanks for the heads up :)


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 2:26 pm 
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"I want to give up. Give my body and mind a break from all this and just do it quick - borderline is already slowly killing me, and I know from experience that a pill could do that much quicker (and less painful). Please don't misunderstand me - I have NO WISH TO DIE. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore. "

reading the posts here is like putting words to what is going on in my brain - !

trying to 'verbalize' what i am thinking or feeling to my husband, pastor or counselor - is so incredibly hard - ! my counselor is 2 hours drive away - and that hour of hemming an hawing and trying to explain goes too incredibly fast -


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 8:02 am 
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cowper wrote:
"I want to give up. Give my body and mind a break from all this and just do it quick - borderline is already slowly killing me, and I know from experience that a pill could do that much quicker (and less painful). Please don't misunderstand me - I have NO WISH TO DIE. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore. "

reading the posts here is like putting words to what is going on in my brain - !

trying to 'verbalize' what i am thinking or feeling to my husband, pastor or counselor - is so incredibly hard - ! my counselor is 2 hours drive away - and that hour of hemming an hawing and trying to explain goes too incredibly fast -


Cowper -
maybe you should try to write these feelings down? That way - when you see your counselor you can re-tell them to him/her. I do a lot of writing myself, and I know others with BPD who use a video diary. It's nice to be able to look back and say "ok, I don't feel all great right now, but judging from this there has been progress". Or, if nothing else - you might be able to find a pattern and can stop the "evil trail of thought" before it even starts.

Of course - I don't feel even close to recovery yet, but I believe the insight has helped me a lot in knowing what I feel, why I feel it and what triggers it. I just don't know how to stop it yet.


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 10:11 am 
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Anika, you are pretty much me in a nutshell! it feels amazing hearing that, i'm not alone!!!! :) that wish, for the pain to end, but not wanting to die. it runs through my head every single day. i do not wish, to die. i just want this pain to go. its not like a cut, or a bump. its a burning fire in your heart that the more you think of it, the more it burns. and sometimes, it fills your whole chest up and you feel like your burning from the inside out with no escape. people say they understand what it feels like, but if they haven't gone through this type of pain, they have no idea. i have this chest pain with me 24/7. and i have had it since i was about 7 (am now 16) from various sexual assults, father issues, family fights, bullying, school. everything. it just got me down. and i'm still trying! i can't even do simple house chores (IE: dishes, cleaning MY mess, cleaning my room) without it turning into a breakdown because it all feels too much. it takes me atleast a week to do the dishes, by then, mums already done them. i sleep probably 16 hours a day because i can't face getting up. it sucks!
Anika wrote:
I want to give up. Give my body and mind a break from all this and just do it quick - borderline is already slowly killing me, and I know from experience that a pill could do that much quicker (and less painful). Please don't misunderstand me - I have NO WISH TO DIE. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore.


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 3:29 pm 
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Asharee wrote:
Anika, you are pretty much me in a nutshell! it feels amazing hearing that, i'm not alone!!!! :) that wish, for the pain to end, but not wanting to die. it runs through my head every single day. i do not wish, to die. i just want this pain to go. its not like a cut, or a bump. its a burning fire in your heart that the more you think of it, the more it burns. and sometimes, it fills your whole chest up and you feel like your burning from the inside out with no escape. people say they understand what it feels like, but if they haven't gone through this type of pain, they have no idea. i have this chest pain with me 24/7. and i have had it since i was about 7 (am now 16) from various sexual assults, father issues, family fights, bullying, school. everything. it just got me down. and i'm still trying! i can't even do simple house chores (IE: dishes, cleaning MY mess, cleaning my room) without it turning into a breakdown because it all feels too much. it takes me atleast a week to do the dishes, by then, mums already done them. i sleep probably 16 hours a day because i can't face getting up. it sucks!
Anika wrote:
I want to give up. Give my body and mind a break from all this and just do it quick - borderline is already slowly killing me, and I know from experience that a pill could do that much quicker (and less painful). Please don't misunderstand me - I have NO WISH TO DIE. I just don't want to be in this pain anymore.


Asharee, I am glad to hear you have discovered that you are not alone :) however, not happy to hear that you are in the pain that you are in. I know how it feels. I hear, many times a day even - people crying out how they are getting an anxiety attack because they have a math test that day or, that they are depressed just because they missed their bus. People throw around with the terms so often, that no one really reacts to them anymore. That makes it difficult for people like us, who actually do feel this anxiety or pain or depression.

I can relate to your exhaustion. I too feel it, the emotional pain like a fire and it makes me physically exhausted and hurting. It gets heavier by the day. I wish there was something you could do to get out of the situation that you are in. Is there any possibility for you to change your surroundings for a while? Visit a friend over the weekend, go camping - just anything to physically be in a different place? Sometimes I feel it gives me new strength, so I can sort of start over when I return, if you see what I mean. Of course, the pain is inside of you and will follow you until you have dealt with it (and I'm sorry to say I don't know the recipe for that..) BUT, getting out of a routine of sleeping all day, dishes and whatever it may be - can give you a jumpstart, if even only a little one.

I wish you didn't have to feel the way you do.
Anika


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:53 pm 
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I can't remember where I saw it, but I read something about the victim cycle. If anybody could find it I would greatly appreciate it. Basically what I believe is happening with you two (aside from the mental illness issues), is a cycle in which something has happened which makes you depressed, then because you're depressed you will "sleep 16 hours a day" or talk negatively to yourself about your appearance, or whatever the case may be, which in turn makes you feel worse. Then you become more depressed and the cycle continues. It's very important to get out of this cycle, and yes, it can be very difficult. I will do some looking around for this piece I read as it helped provide me with this insight.

I know this is difficult, but when you feel depressed try to do something to better yourself. Something you really enjoy. Remember you are doing it to better yourself and that may help get you out of the cycle. For instance I've begun exercising, eating better, and taking better care of my body. It has helped boost my self-image and get me out of my depression cycle.

Have it in the forefront of your mind... oh, I'm depressed, I need to get out of this depression, let's get out of bed and go for a jog. Or let's go prepare a simple healthy meal for myself. Or let's go look at bpdrecovery.com and write about what is making us upset. Just do something that is not negative specifically for the sake of recovery.


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 10:26 pm 
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KuroShinsei wrote:
I can't remember where I saw it, but I read something about the victim cycle. If anybody could find it I would greatly appreciate it. Basically what I believe is happening with you two (aside from the mental illness issues), is a cycle in which something has happened which makes you depressed, then because you're depressed you will "sleep 16 hours a day" or talk negatively to yourself about your appearance, or whatever the case may be, which in turn makes you feel worse. Then you become more depressed and the cycle continues. It's very important to get out of this cycle, and yes, it can be very difficult. I will do some looking around for this piece I read as it helped provide me with this insight.

I know this is difficult, but when you feel depressed try to do something to better yourself. Something you really enjoy. Remember you are doing it to better yourself and that may help get you out of the cycle. For instance I've begun exercising, eating better, and taking better care of my body. It has helped boost my self-image and get me out of my depression cycle.

Have it in the forefront of your mind... oh, I'm depressed, I need to get out of this depression, let's get out of bed and go for a jog. Or let's go prepare a simple healthy meal for myself. Or let's go look at bpdrecovery.com and write about what is making us upset. Just do something that is not negative specifically for the sake of recovery.


Thanks :)
I am still in that depressed modus, but I am sort of checking out other states now... I think. I'm kinding going back and forth a little. But I am clear enough to understand all that you're saying. I've actually discussed this a lot with my therapist. It is a horrible and extremely selfdestructive cycle. Like you say - something happens, you fall, and suddenly it's easier to pick up on all the negative things around you, then the mental becomes physical as you forget to eat, or, eat too much, sleep too much, sleep too little, you don't go out, and you don't do the things that you enjoy and BAM. There you are. Depressed and almost comfortable with it. It a strange and utterly pitiful way. I say this, knowing that I am the victim in my story - but perhaps I needed the reminder. Depression doesn't go away by itself. Sure, you can sleep and feel a bit better when you wake up. But eventually it will come back because CHANGES HAVE NOT BEEN MADE.

I just have to do it. I've actually been up all night (it is now 6 am here) I haven't been able to sleep because I have been thinking about how ugly I am (I know, victim right?) but I think I might just go for a walk. Get some fresh air, some exercise and watch the sunrise. Ambitious.. :P Must be all this lack of sleep.


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 4:46 pm 
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I haven't been to the forum -
Anika -I do journal - quite extensively - i blog - write - and send / or save lots of emails.

a couple weeks a go now, i saw a psychiatrist - he put me on abilify and effexor - i am really tired - but - my family seems to think "i'm different"

i haven't raged since being on the meds -

the problem w/ trying to communicate to everyone (in my circle who are trying to care for me) is my thoughts i want to share happen when i'm driving, roller blading or taking a shower - so - no great mediums then - i could never vlog - that is just a me thing. nor can i talk to a video recorder - for me - i have to write or type.

thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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 Post subject: Re: I Am Borderline
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 12:39 pm 
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Anika wrote:

I am in a "much better place" today than I was yesterday, and this just proves what you are already saying: things do pass. I just hate the feeling of "oh, I've got the answer - everything will be OK now!" and then a minute later seeing/hearing something which switches back all those emotions I thought I had learned to hide or cope with, or ignore. But as you are both saying... try, try and try again?

I am happy to hear you say that you are in the process of recovery - and that you don't feel the pain as intense as you may have before. I have a question for you though: when you're down; in great pain, feeling rejected and abandoned - can you still feel that mentality somewhere within you? That there is hope, I mean - and that you know that these times will pass, and in time it will be less and less? I think I haven't quite gotten there yet. When I am down there is nothing else.. BUT, I have made a promise to myself never to make any decisions while in that state - and whenever I come out of it, all the emotions and thinking changes for the good :)


Anika

Yes, I still experience the ding dong, or yo yo. One moment i'm fine and dandy, then the next moment something triggers me and there I go down - in depression and in intense pain, crying etc

can I still feel that mentaliy? What mentality are you referring to? If you're referring to the mentality of rejection, yes I still FEEL rejected / abandoned. But somewhere in my HEAD i know that's a lie. But the pain, the emotional pain is still there.

LIke you, I made a decision never to make any decisions or take any actions while being in that state :)

and our battle continues anika!


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