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 Post subject: Hi I'm new
PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:45 am
Posts: 5
Does it bother anyone that these parts of the forums are open to the public? I don't like the idea of my problems being read by others passing by, those just curious.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi I'm new
PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:30 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey

First of all, we are all anonymous, as in we don't reveal our real identities, so people don't know who we really are.

Secondly, I would think that it's good because some people who are not sure of this site's effectiveness would have a chance to browse through / take a peek at this site.

anyway if it really bothers you, why don't you speak to Ash? PM her or something like that, I'm sure she'll give you a much better explanation than mine.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi I'm new
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:45 am
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I guess this is me:

Well I'm a very private closed off person, I have often felt I can't fully trust anyone to get to know me because they'll use me and hurt me. I often put on a show and I'm great at putting on a smile and acting friendly to hide myself. I've never been good at relationships, I used to make girls fall in love with me but due to my intimacy issues, I'd often break up with them before they could do it to me. After a while I gave up on dating or attempting to find anyone and I just focused on things to take my mind off of my emptiness.

After a while I meet a girl who seemed amazing, she was kind, accepting and adored me. I fell in love with her and I think she was the first person in my life I've ever loved. We quickly bonded because we both had suffered sexual, emotional, physical abuse as children (she far worse than me though), we both also were strung out during parts of our life but have gotten clean. It was like finding my lost soul mate. Things were great for a while but I started to notice things like she had some substance abuse problems, she would often lie to other people to avoid telling them anything which might cause a fight, she couldn't keep a job for more than a few weeks and always had some excuse to quit. With my extreme insecurities I'd often verbally lash out at her, accusing her of everything under the sun, I figured if she could lie so easily to everyone else she probably was lying to me. I just knew one day I'd come home to find she had found someone else less pathetic than me. She had issues of fits of rage, she was often insecure and would throw things or break my stuff. If she thought I might leave her she threaten to kill herself and I believed her. One day in a raged episode she went to far and I knew the relationship was getting toxic. As much as it pained me, I broke up with her. I honestly thought she would go get help, seek anger management and then we'd get back together when it could be more normal / healthy. To my horror though she quickly found someone else, they were married very soon after wards. Their marriage crumbled and now she's talking to me again, I still deeply love her and want to make things work. She's still in denial about her past actions and blames everything else for causing her to act that way.

I've never heard of BPD before but one day I saw a book How To Stop Walking on Eggshells, I got it knowing that with her that's exactly what I was doing. The more I read up on BPD the more I assumed this is exactly what she had. She couldn't keep a job, was extremely impulsive went from crisis to crisis, always had to be in a relationship. There is much more but she seemed to fit many of the criteria. (I know how bad self diagnosis can be).

After a little while and replaying old and current relationships in my head, to my dismay when I'm honest with myself (self denial is very powerful), I often have very borderline like reactions. I don't trust people to be trustworthy or faithful. I'd call my ex 5 times an hour to check up on her making sure she wasn't lying to me. I'd often lash out at her for doing things which hurt me, but truthfully it was my way of coping with my insecurities. I regret so much I did, but I can only move forward now. I'm pretty good at going into my own inner world and just shutting down if things get too tough. For the longest time I didn't think it could be true (if I do have bpd) because I'm so responsible and I'm very high functioning and productive at work, I have a house, a car, but my personal life is in shambles.

I normally don't get angry or violent on the outside (or rarely), I learned growing up that punishment was far worse that way, I leaned to keep all my emotions and hurt bottled up. I have a major problem with splitting concerning myself, I often see myself as either almost perfect or as a worthless ugly malfunctioning individual, I can't can't imagine it somewhere in the middle. I sometimes get this nawing hellish emptiness which I've learned to just ride it out, knowing that its always gone by the next morning. I do get tired of this inner battle though. I wish I could take away all of this pain and torment from everyone here, it seems like many of the people here have survived through so much, it doesn't seem fair to have to endure this also.

I've never been diagnosed, but so often the BPD inner pain I read feel just like me. I don't know if I trust someone enough to discuss my problems with them. I kind of feel it will be used against me or I'll be mocked the second I leave. I just keep everything bottled up.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi I'm new
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:33 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
Hey

Are you currently seeking help for your bpd?
A therapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist or anyone qualified to treat bpd?

Just want you to know that someone's listening to you. I read your entire post. I think your priority should be getting well.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi I'm new
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 9:32 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:45 am
Posts: 5
I'm currently not seeking help, I don't think its a good use of funds at least not yet. I kind of want to see if through books and having the new awareness of what causes my actions, see if its possible to conquer this on my own. I also don't think a clinical diagnosis is beneficial for me (I'm terrified of medication also). I've gotten through many trials on my own and I hope this one will be no different. I don't want to rely on anyone else.

The only thing I'm curious about and a tough decision is if I want to get back with my (assumed) BPD ex (whom I still love). I have almost zero support from family and friends (with a few exceptions). They've seen her lose her cool many times and don't want me back in that relationship. What they don't know is how I act because I put on a good show.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi I'm new
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 9:02 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
Well, I wouldn't think it's a good idea to get back together especially if BOTH of you have not healed. Coz it's going to be disastrous, if you get what I'm saying. Getting back together can wait, HEALING AND RECOVERY comes first.

As for seeking help and therapy and medication, it's a personal choice. Having a good therapist can help speed up recovery. Medication is needed for those who have mood swings or have depressive states. Do you?

For myself, medication has helped stabilized my mood swings. Some people need medication, some don't. It depends.

If you decide not to seek help and to do recovery on your own, that's okay too, provided you work really hard at it.
But at any point of time should you think you need an extra hand, please seek help.


ONe more thing, please DON'T expect your friends to be able to help you, coz they are NOT EQUIPPED to do so. IT'S THE PROFESSIONALS LIKE THERAPISTS WHO ARE EQUIPPED TO HELP US.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi I'm new
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 9:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:45 am
Posts: 5
I'm pretty independent, I don't really depend on anyone, I kind of just bundle everything up, but it might be making me bitter. I don't have serious depression, my depression hits hard some nights (almost unbearable) but its always gone in the morning so it never lasts days. I've learned to ride it out and know that I'll be okay in a few hours or the next day.


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