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 Post subject: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 8:55 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:31 am
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I literally have no idea where to start with this. I've read through some other people's introductions, and it's a bit daunting. But I suppose I have to start somewhere. Whew, here goes.

I'm a twenty six year old woman, and I was diagnosed with BPD at eighteen. I was in therapy for about a year, but since then, I haven't been able to afford to go. I was on medication very briefly (like a month) and both of those things were back seven, eight years ago.

I am a recovering self harmer. It's something I've been battling with my whole adult life, and while I would never be foolish enough to say that I was fully recovered, I feel like I've reached a point where even at extremely high stress levels, I'm able to withstand the urge.

I feel like I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to change my life. I'm a mother, I have a three year old son. I need to be the best possible person that I can be, not only for me, but for him.

But this is where I'm stumped. I've spent my whole life at the mercy of my emotions. I have next to no self worth, and abandonment issues that affect my day to day life. I obsess, I nitpick, and generally just let my negativity and worry rule my life. I have very few attachments and people in my life. I've burned so many bridges in the past, and it haunts me.

My marriage is recovering, because a few months prior, my husband had an affair. It's not helping with the self worth issues. While I do believe him when he says he wants to be here with me, I can't help but feel insignificant. He still keeps in touch with the woman, and they are friends, which I condone. But I get sick to my stomach thinking about her, and about the fact that at one point in my past, this woman was more important than me.

I often feel like I'm ignored, like nothing I say matters. I realize that my self worth needs to not come from my marriage, or anything like that. I have to learn to love myself, and to retrain my mind from twenty six years of negativity and hurt.

I refuse to be defined by my illness. I am a person, and one day I hope to like the person that I am. I just have no idea how to start.


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 Post subject: Re: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 10:45 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:17 pm
Posts: 21
I think you've found a place to start, by recognizing the issues that you want to change. Just wanting to change is good.

I can't go to therapy right now either, and medication proved unhelpful for me, but being aware of my problematic behavior and emotions has helped me. I know what doesn't work at least. So... I do things differently.

You clearly know some things that aren't working for you too, and writing it down here may help you understand it better.

Anyway, welcome.


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 Post subject: Re: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:42 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey there,
welcome :)

It does sound to me like you have indeed made some progress.

Now how about making MORE PROGRESS? You say you can't afford therapy. How about purchasing Marsha Linehan's DBT workbook and doing it on your own?

There's an online site, online DBT class where there's homework that we do. Go to yahoo groups, type dbtclass and sign up for it. If you can't find it, PM me.

once again, welcome :)


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 Post subject: Re: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 9:39 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:45 am
Posts: 5
2ndhandsaint wrote:
But I get sick to my stomach thinking about her, and about the fact that at one point in my past, this woman was more important than me. .



I know 100% how you feel. I think though you should focus on the fact that he's there now and trying to work things out with you.


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 Post subject: Re: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:04 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:31 am
Posts: 5
Thank you all for responding. It's hugely reassuring to even put these thoughts to air, and know that people will not only respond, but understand.


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 Post subject: Re: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 9:10 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
keep working on your recovery :)

do utilize the boards here, as you can really get good feedback. I know I did :)

all the best :)


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 Post subject: Re: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 7:38 am 
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Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 3:25 pm
Posts: 7
Hi 2ndhandsaint, I am new too and troubled by your post. While I don't want to upset you unduly I hope that the situation between you and your husband is as you believe. I can only speak for myself but having been in his situation there is no way I could go on being friends with a person I'd had an affair with, at least not unless there had been a very long and searching cooling off period and some very meaningful changes in intention on both sides.
I am glad you have discovered that your dependence on another person is not healthy for you. That is a road I have had to walk too and it is scary and lonely at times but ultimately worth it.
I hope that following the suggestions on this website will help you to raise your self esteem and that you find a relationship that can be healthy and mutually fulfilling.


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 Post subject: Re: New, and without any sort of clever title.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:54 am 
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
Welcome. I personally believe from my own experience that recovery happens in stages or layers. It seems to be a never ending process. Recovery can be a very joyous and interesting process if you look at it a certain way. Give yourself a pat on the back for the progress that you have made and look forward to the progress that you will surely make in the future.


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