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 Post subject: New and scared
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 10:45 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:47 pm
Posts: 3
Hello,
I was recently dx with BPD.... actually I had been given that DX years ago but was very resistant to threapy and assumed they were wrong so I stopped going to therapy.
Now, however I believe my psycologist and am longing for recovery.
A very brief history for me.
I am 37... I have 2 failed marriages, and 6 living children (one died shortly after her birth) with 3 different men.
My life has been one drama after the next and I guess I tried to fill the ever present empty feeling with men or being pregnant......
Ah...what I would do differently if I knew then what Im learning about this illness now.
Anyway,
I am excited about the possibility of being able to feel somewhat "normal" like everyone else, but I am terrified of change.. I mean of failing at changing.
How on earth am I supposed the change the way I;ve done things for 37 years??
It feels like I'm trying to climb K-2 with flip flops.
I am now on medication....for about 3 weeks now...a mix of Effoxor and Lamicital and I have noticed a change.... I;m not reacting to things as intense as I have in the past.. which is good I think.

I'm just really overwhelemed and want to be healthy so badly.


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:38 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
how are you supposed to change?

bit by bit, step by step, on small step at a time, day by day, hour by hour :) that's what my psychiatrist told me...

anyway, welcome here :)


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 1:55 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:47 pm
Posts: 3
Thank you. I am glad to be here. I want to change very badly. I can't keep doing things the way I have been. My emotions are out of control. Right now my biggest challenge is forgetting a man that I have been on and off with for almost 2 years. We are completely over this time and I have cut off contact with him but I am still overwhelmed with thoughts of what could have been all day long. I have to say that I am doing better this time because I haven't given in to the extreme desire to text him, and I am proud of that at least, but it doesnt help the fact that am still consumed with what feels like a need. I keep thinking if I just give it time the feelings will stop. But I'm just not sure.


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2011 7:43 am
Posts: 8
You should be very proud of yourself for not giving in to texting him!! I'm going thru a break up myself and I'm trying so hard to give my ex space and not text!! I also have children by 3 different men, I constantly felt empty and that something was missing! I now know why after being diagnosed 3 weeks ago.


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 11:17 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:04 pm
Posts: 94
Location: USA
congratulations on being strong and sticking with your decision. I've been in similar situations, with the last time being just a few months ago. For me, it helped to acknowledge that the need I felt was real-that there was an emptiness inside me that I had filled with my ex and the things he represented to me. I decided to take the end of that relationship as an opportunity to work on getting myself together without all the chaos of a relationship...to find myself, you might say. I reached a point where I realized something was going to have to change, before I hurt myself or someone else.

It's something to think about.


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 2:17 am 
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Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:47 pm
Posts: 3
Thanks you all for your replies.
I have to say that I've been on the meds for a month now and I feel so much better. I am still sad about the split, but when I look back and allow myself to see the "real" truth, he didnt really treat me very well. It was always about what he wanted and how he felt and he never considered my feelings at all. And for some reaon I was ok with that!! Its amazing to me that I let myself be walked on over and over just because I "loved" him so much. I know now that even if it was love, it was more that I wanted to be wanted. i have never felt whole and I have always had this empty feeling no matter what or who was in my life, it was always there. I am now facing the fact that no one will fill that whole. I need to fix myself and grow stronger and be happy to just be alone. Only then willI find someone healthy that I can actually have a real relationship with. Its mind blowing how far I've come in such a short time.....


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:10 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:04 pm
Posts: 94
Location: USA
I took antipsychotics during my last crisis. It really helped a lot with my worst BPD symptoms. Glad to hear that you are feeling more in control of the situation.


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:11 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
congratulations! :)


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:44 am 
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Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2011 5:22 pm
Posts: 23
Amanicole,

I wanted to respond to your fear of change. I faced that, too, for decades. I felt empty, no self-esteem, and like I was filled with poison. I knew no other way to be or think about myself. The more I looked into all the various traits of BPD and read them over and over again on various websites that describe it, the more I came to realize that it was a description of me. One I did not like. So, if you can, try to isolate out the areas of BPS that trigger you, look back to your earliest memories of these triggers, and try to find some "antidote" to the triggers. It could be: stop your thinking right now and go get a glass of water. Or, take 10 deep breaths, or stroke your own arm as though you are both mother and child. Just try to find things to recognize when you are beginning to get into BPD trouble and find a way out FAST. You are lucky that meds work for you and take some of the sting out. Perhaps you should post some of the specifics that flip you into BPD. We are all here trying to get better and each of us has ways to go about it. Read the forum and find what fits best for you. We are here to support you. Know that it is a long process to overcome BPD because it is so deeply embedded in us. We know no other way until we can recognize BPD traits and triggers, then try to stop them.

We all wish you well,
Cynwyd


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