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 Post subject: Big Ted (Terrabus) is Back for a While
PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:20 am 
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I have been coming to this forum in its many incarnations and addresses for years. I was doing well for a while--I really was.

I'm not sure if anything happened or if it was a collection of things. Either way, I'm pretty much back in the hole I was in years ago.

I'm trying to decide. Do I want to climb out or do I wanna ignore the work it will take and simple see how far down I can go?

I'm rapidly approaching 40 years old. My wife is gone. I have no way to contact her or my daughter. I'm working as a telemarkter. I drink heavily when I can. I do whatever drugs I can get my hands on.

This is not a "I'm gonna do ......" post. I just am working on deciding if I want to do the footwork to get out of this or if it is simply no longer worth it.

Ash is a wonderful lady. She'll pick apart every piece of B.S. I say brilliantly and lay it at my feet. She'll smile when she does it, too, if I remember correctly. She's strong that way.

I don't know if I'll pull out of this tailspin or not. I don't know if I even care anymore.

I can't go on autopilot anymore. I've tried. I've tried to unplug and go back to feeling nothing and I can't do it no matter how hard I try.

I'm doing some past-life healing work just becuase that issue raised its ugly head again.

I'm starting to feel like a living corpse again. It's like the meat is still alive but the soul is just not there anymore.

I will not make a manipulative post saying I "will do this" or "will not do that". Instead, I will simply state I know how much footwork and demon battling it took me to get here in the first place and I really don't look forward to doing it again. The Gods are done helping me. I'm on my own now.

I don't know which I'm gonna go, but like a good OCD, I'm getting ready for this option just in case.


Ted


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 Post subject: Re: Big Ted (Terrabus) is Back for a While
PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:51 pm 
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How about getting yourself to some twelve step meetings and getting sober?


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 Post subject: Re: Big Ted (Terrabus) is Back for a While
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 12:43 pm 
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Terrabus! Welcome back, though I'm sorry it's under such circumstances.

I know those feelings all too well.

Ready for what comes next from me?

The Gods are done helping you, you say. I say that there never was anyone helping you but yourself. God or Gods are a spiritual crutch designed to offset blame for things gone awry and provide a sense of external support when we tap into our own inner strength. You've given up on yourself and by default so have these Gods you've created for yourself.

That said, since the Gods are a creation of your inner self, you can command them to do whatever you wish. If you want them to help you climb out of the hole, they will. If you want them to sit silently by while you freefall into oblivion, they will.

It comes down to personal choice and free will. You already know that and you've already made a choice to freefall for a bit, to wallow in the misery, to drown your sorrows. And now you're starting to make another choice - by returning here and reaching out. We're glad to grab your hand and hold onto you - to a point. Most of us will likely let go of your hand if you go into a "dead weight" state because we really don't want to freefall into oblivion right alongside you. If you're actively trying to pull yourself up, we will lend a hand and help you the best we can.

And you know I get it. I've spoken freely about my own conscious decisions to sit and wallow for a little while. When I've had enough, I make the next decision - to stand up, climb out and face the rest of my life and the world.

The choice is yours. You know that.

On the plus side / side-note, it's great that you're working. (I'm glad to learn you're not completely broke, unemployed and homeless.) Telemarketing is a thankless job and I can only imagine how hard it is to put up with constant rejection at work that way. If and when you make your next decision to climb out, I would suggest looking for a new job. Yes, the market is tight and as they say, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." There are still call center jobs in the USA that aren't quite as rejection-oriented as telemarketing and I think that would help your state of mind quite a bit.

Also, as the political season is getting back into gear, have you considered getting things squared away to work on a candidate's campaign? I know you like politics and while working for someone else's ticket isn't quite the same as running on your own ticket, the thrill of the arena might do your mindset some good.

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 Post subject: Re: Big Ted (Terrabus) is Back for a While
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:36 pm 
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Hey Terrabus, sorry I missed your post last week.

Ditto most of what Ash said, though I differ somewhat with her about the God issue. That's all intensely personal though, so whatever works for you.

As long as you're so into the mind-altering substances, liquid or otherwise, you're going to stay stuck. Very few people have had life-affirming and life-changing ideas while fried. So you'll really only figure out whether you really give a shit or not is to get sober for long enough to clear all the "stuff" (whatever the drug) from your system and clear your brain.

Feel free to hang out and muddle through your feelings, as long as you aren't on such a negativity roll that you drag us down with you. I do think that posting here means that you haven't totally given up. So dig deep, and maybe you can once again climb out of the hole.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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