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 Post subject: Why "nice" people stink for me.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:40 pm 
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Hi again from an unhappy me,

These last 3 weeks have shown me that “nice” people are a danger to my emotional health. Why? Hear me out. When I lived in borderland and was “crazy” for about 2-3 years with my BPD agenda which led to an affair, I made many “nice” friends. They were people much like me. I'll exlpain this in a bit.

Three weeks ago, after having been laid off my job, one of the females I knew from another shop and I had become friendly. She left her job and became manager of another store, saying that she wanted to hire me to work with her because I was so good at what I do and she could trust me. She became the new manager because the owner of the shop sold it to her daughter who only comes to our town every other week from out of state, while her husband lives here. My friend told the new owner she wanted me to work with her, along with anohter woman who is a single mother with two sons. They lost everything they had in a flood. Storyline: I gave dishes, table ware, pots and pans, clothing, etc. to this mother (who I didn't know personally) through this friend. I was surprised to never get a thank you or any kind of response either from the mother or my friend. That's not why I gave her the things, but I would have thanked someone who gave me things like that. Part 2: I had the interview with the new owner who said she'd get back to me within the week. No word. My friend had also said she'd let me know as soon as she heard something. No word. Well, maybe the new owner meant in TWO weeks when she came back to town. So, I waited another week. No word. Then, I waited another week. Finally I called my friend to ask what was up. She said they still hadn't decided what the plan was. I was very surprised that my “friend” never called to tell me they were still “in the process.”

Next scene: I go to my ob/gyn for my last visit since he is retiring. I brought my husband to finally meet him. He was there when I had my affair, heard me cry about it, tested me for STDs, etc. I thought he was caring and a good doctor. At this visit, he didn't introduce himself to my husband (who he knew I had reconciled with and have been doing better than ever), forgot to do my PAP smear, forgot to give the the prescription he said he'd write out, and was impersonal enough that he didn't even look at my chart or say good-bye to me as an old patient. My husband was shocked at what a terrible doctor he was after I had been telling him that this doctor was the only good one I had. On the other hand, we had to put down a dog last month and our last cat seemed like she was nearing the end. Our veterinarian is a really good guy and a pleasure to deal with, even after losing three dogs and a cat in a two year span. My ob/gyn was the opposite of our vet. Why didn't I see this?

Both the doctor and my “friend” were people I knew from when I was crazy and living in boredrland for a few years before and after my affair. So, I began to think. Why was I so wrong about Mr. Affair, and all these other people (including the “friends” who encouraged me to have the affair and be happy)? I realized it was because I thought they were all “nice” and treated me like I was special. This is something I looked for from the time I was an infant: someone who thougth I was special for who I was. Well, I think that by seeking out this kind of person, I was finding only other people who were just like me: broken on the inside and putting on a “nice” front to the public. I was conned again and again by these “nice” people. I was devastated after the appointment about how I was unable to discern who people were. I have not met many new people in the two years I've been trying to figure out who I am, so I really don't have a “sample” of new friends. Many of the people who I confided in at church told the whole town about me and encouraged me as well. So, needless to say, I am very leery of “nice” people who are just putting on a front, unlike our vet who is the real thing. I am afraid to interact with people now, because I know I can't tell if they are for real or not. I can still be conned. I made a list of all the people I have misread over the past few years and they all have the same quality that I mistook for them thinking I was “special.” This is my BPD kicking up and turning my behind into mush. So, I am now afraid of talking with people, unsure of my assessments of who they really are, don't know who to trust, and so am almost afraid to leave the house in case I have to interact with “nice” people. My husband is concerned that if he dies first, I could be conned out of whatever money I'd have to live on or go to a doctor who doesn't know what's going on with my health. I wrote out a list of all the people who weren't who I thought they were over the years, and those who were consistent with who I thought they were. The latter list was short and the former list very long. So, in a nutshell, not only do I feel like a miserable failure, especially since my doctor's visit yesterday, but I am afraid to trust myself in this area. I hope I can learn to read people better and just know who they are, rather than think they are “nice.” My life depends on it as does my own sense of well-being. I hope you understand what I am saying here: my own BPD illness led me to interpret others in a BPD paradign, and I must change this to get better. Do any of you have the same problem? If so, what have you done? Misreading people has been a big disaster in general for me.

Cynwyd


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 Post subject: Re: Why "nice" people stink for me.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:34 am 
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Okay, so yesterday I flipped into borderland because I felt humiliated and ashamed that I was still acting out from that ugly place. When I do so, I get argumentative, sarcastic, and angry. This only happens when I feel so horrible when I slip back into borderland. So, I am going to make up my own "diagnostic" definition to help me keep from falling into BPD. I will call my argumentiveness, sarcasm, and anger "symptoms" of a "seizure." I am using seizure because it is not laden with emotional pain, but just biological symptoms some people have that need to be treated or addressed with safety. I am going to try to write up a whole new list of "seizure" symptoms that my husband can refer to and "treat"when he sees I am having a "seizure." I will come up with all the things I can remember that I do when I get frustrated and angry as I head into BPD. Then, I am hoping that either my husband or I can see the seizure begin and put a stop to it. I told him that if he could give me a good strong hug and tell me kindly that I have fallen into borderland and he is here to keep me safe and bring me out, that might cut out my little tantrums, which are totally unpleasant for both of us before they gain momentum, The only thing in the way is how difficult it is for him to give me a hug when he thinks I am attacking him. This is why I'm going to write up a "medical" list of my "seizure symptoms" so that he can try to see my BPD behavior as a set of symptoms of my illness, rather than that he is the object of my anger, I am hoping that this will stop this ugly behavior on my part more quickly. Usually, after I have acted out, we stay a bit distant until I realize where I am and stop myself, or if he tells me where he thinks I am so I can stop. This might just be an easier way to look at what I'm doing without all my guilty and unlovable feelings. I am having a seizure and he will wrap his arms around me to keep me "safe," while also letting me know that he loves me with such a strong hug. This often melts me right out of a bad place if he can go against his own reactions against my feisty behavior. Last night after I posted on this topic, we eventually got to this point after I had the idea, and I am fine today. It is such a relief to get out of borderland I can't tell you. I am hoping that this approach may be of help to at least somebody out there. I hope that my husband and I can carry out this plan without getting stuck in the BPD anger cycle and that I can move farther and farther away from BPD behavior.

Cynwyd

Cynwyd


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 Post subject: Re: Why "nice" people stink for me.
PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 7:05 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
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I figured out that the reason that I kept choosing totally dysfunctional people rather than healthy ones was because they felt somehow familiar. My family of origin was a crazy house. BPD Mother, NPD Father, nowhere to turn for help. I internalized all kinds of bad messages about myself as a result of being in that environment. I chose to keep company with liars because all my Mother ever did was lie to me and tell me to keep secrets about what she told me. My Father acted crudely toward me and treated me like a sexual object. I kept choosing people that would use and abuse me until I started dealing with my core issues. I am still a work in progress but my life is much better now that I no longer communicate with my parents and I make sure to get support from healthy, validating people. Self care and balance are key to recovery. I have used the 12 step program as well as getting therapy and coaching. An attitude of whatever it takes to get better will work wonders.


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