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 Post subject: Hello :)
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:40 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2011 9:57 pm
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Today I found out definitively that I suffer from BPD, general and social anxiety, and OCD. I also found out that because my incidents of self harm are sporadic and controlled, I am ineligible for the local DTB clinic and if I want the specialized help I'll need to pay for private psychiatry (I live in Canada). So i guess I'm up the creek without a paddle. My current psych will do what he can but he's not a specialist.

I have a husband who I fight with, control, and manipulate. I also have 2 children who see me fight with my husband all the time. I have overwhelming guilt about everything. Lastnight I posted about a fight my husband and I had... Today it's as if it didn't happen. And it Will stay like that until the next big fight which Will get a little worse.

Just from my reading the last few weeks I've realized that I can be scary. I'm in a contemplative mood right now so I can see things sort of clearly. I tell him to get out or leave when I get really bad, and I have a lot of anger welling in my stomach when he actually leaves. I dont ever want him to leave but I still push him away. I dont seem to have any control over it.

I've also read a lot of things telling people to stay far away from people with bpd. I wish I understood that better... Am I really so horrible that people need to stay away?? I don't think I am, but I also thought I was doing alright.

It's a bit of a long winded introduction I suppose. I don't have any real friends or anyone I can lean on for support and I hope maybe the posters here can be a good substitute.

Currently? I'm seeing myself fall through the cracks in the medical system. I have bpd but because I can control my self harming urges I don't deserve proper treatment. Where does that leave me?


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 Post subject: Re: Hello :)
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:57 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:55 pm
Posts: 170
Location: Canada
"I've also read a lot of things telling people to stay far away from people with bpd. I wish I understood that better... Am I really so horrible that people need to stay away?? I don't think I am, but I also thought I was doing alright. "

Those support boards are completely toxic. They are toxic to us, and they are toxic to the people who know people with BPD. BPD is a treatable disorder. Never once take what they say to heart. By being so anti people with BPD they only end up slowing their own progress, slowing the progress of us, and increasing the stigma of mental illness. These people are wrong.


Now I wanted to comment on a few things, I too am Canadian, and I know our mental health REALLY sucks. My first therapy session is set for 4 months after I landed myself in the ER, way to get on that Canada. Frankly don't pay for private psychiatry until you've exhausted all other methods. Maybe even get a different opinion from another doctor and maybe you'll become eligible for that clinic. Don't ever give up, if you're not happy with what 1 doctor says, go to another. It's free, why not.

I do have to say bravo to you though. Your contemplative mood is so healthy. You are actively analyzing yourself, seeing the flaws, seeing the negatives, and seeing what needs to be done. You're also actively seeking help, this is something most people with mental illness either don't or can't do. You know you don't want him to leave, but you can't help but shout the words. I was the opposite, I used to tell my wife I hated her and I wanted her to leave, but just like you I was struck with overwhelming guilt, and the very next day it was like it didn't even happen.

I can also relate to the no real friends issue, I only have my wife. I can tell you from my own personal experience that 3 people in particular on this board have helped me more than anyone (other than my wife). Lean on us, it's how we all stand tall.

As for the cracks... yes, you are. Canada's health care system is envied by so many because of the universality of it, but it really is not run properly and not funded enough. There are shortages of all medical professionals because the governments can't get their acts together and fix things, they even screw up and mistreat their employees. I have fallen through the cracks before too... I had an experience that changed my outlook on mental health in Canada. I was terrified to ever go see another doctor when I was involuntarily admitted to a psych ward. Forced medications, had all my human rights taken away because the doctor's said I wasn't of sound mind... and the funny thing is, they didn't even properly diagnose me.

When you are falling through the cracks, go see another doctor. Go to the emergency room if you have to. Write your MLA. Not enough is being done in Canada to stress the significance of mental health and the millions of people in the country who live with a mental illness. Don't take it laying down.


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