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 Post subject: BPD, Bipolar Disorder, Paranoid Delusions or Reality??
PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:03 am 
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" Paranoia Delusions or Reality "

For me, paranoid delusions are reality. As real as a heart attack, so is a delusion. When you are in a delusion you act through it, plan around it, totally incorporating it into the moment with reason and purpose. I have argued it, defended it and if needed would stake my life on it believing it to be true.

I have had many delusions over the years but the older I get the more complicated they become, fortified with a heavy dose of paranoia and commitment, I am in it to the bitter end.

My three husbands were clueless, never knowing who I really was they never questioned my interpretations allowing me to not only to react, but derail our lives around my delusions. I can only imagine over the decades how many delusion I have acted on, detouring my life with futile efforts, exhausting myself with unreal goals leading only to failure.

My latest delusion was about two month ago. I was convinced that my boss who happens to be my best friend was going to fire me. Paranoia feeds the delusion, delusion fuels the paranoia. My SSD, medicaid, food stamps, housing, day program all hinges on having a job, even if part time. Summer is not the time to be out of work, competing with college students filling part time positions. So I decided to create a business to work out of home. My sister realizing the impact this would have with loosing my benefits, without question funded my project with full support. My sister questioned why my best friend would fire me without approaching me first. Defending my delusion, I insisted that business is business which overrides friendship if a choice had to be made. The paranoia now front and center, justified every accusation by twisting common sense distorting my entire perception of reality.

After thousands of dollars and weeks spent rearranging my apartment while agonizing over being fired and loosing my benefits, nothing happened. Now inpatient waiting to get on with my life I called my boss/best friend to confront her. This was Memorial day weekend Saturday night, didn't answer my call, I left a message. I called again Sunday morning went right into voice mail, now I thought she was avoiding me intentionally. Panicked and totally paranoid I called and left messages every hour finally giving up on Monday night, talking about being obsessive. Now totally bugged out anger consumed me, feeling that she was making a fool out of me and disrespecting me, I argued with her in my mind all weekend.

Now Wednesday night and still have not spoken to her, I was out of my mind in a spiral that was out of control. During group at program on Thursday I decided to drive to work to confront her face to face. While driving I went through every scenario possible over and over in my mind. Barreling through the door everyone was startled, I was a mad woman. She wasn't there, OK now what. Drove back to program hoping to salvage the remaining part of the day. Feeling totally defeated and emotionally wiped out, it was still not over. At about 9pm she called picking up on the urgency in my voice, apologized for not returning my calls because she was at the shore with her new boyfriend. Then she said laughing, girlfriend I was busy having sex all weekend and you were the last thing on my mind. I told her how I felt about being fired, she stopped me in the middle of a word saying why would you think I was going to fire you, your my best friend and never would do that you.

Very long story short, I failed my sister taking money for a business that never was, a waisted paranoid exhausting weekend accomplishing nothing and filling my head with consuming delusions. I told this story to my psychiatrist the following Monday at program. We discussed the dangers of reacting on a delusion and I understand. But when you are delusional that is your reality, you are not on the outside looking in with perspective, there is no other side. Its not a choice whether to go left or right with attached consequences. You cant snap out of something you don't even know your in. Being brutally abstract, its almost impossible for most people to relate. I cant wrap my head around it either. Its a nightmare in retrospect only, finally realizing the impossible detailed staging involved to complete a delusion.

I know I am not alone, please share your delusion stories with me while I am still in my reality.

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 Post subject: Re: BPD, Bipolar Disorder, Paranoid Delusions or Reality??
PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:28 pm 
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To be honest, I've never had a lot of trouble with delusions or paranoia. I've had some slightly obsessional worries, but I've been able to recognize them as such and not convince myself that they are reality.

I'm no psychiatrist, so I don't know what to say. But you are at least some of the time, if not most, connected to reality, and able to realize that certain thought patterns and the actions you take as a result are the result of delusions. You know that you're apt to have delusions. So, with that experience behind you, if the people around you -- your sister, your friend/boss, others in your life -- all tell you that something you're obsessed about is NOT reality, can you teach yourself to accept their interpretation, or at least do some reality testing on your own before you run off and do something you regret afterwards? This can be an example of where to use, and perhaps tweak a bit, The Five Steps (one of the Tools in the box on the left) -- the first step, when you perceive a problem is HALT, i.e. STOP and don't do ANYTHING until you've thought things out. For you, since you know you have this tendency to convince yourself that something is real when it isn't, you can add an extra step, and do some checking. Ask people who would know if what you believe is true. And if they say it isn't, then don't take action on it until you absolutely know that it is. If it IS true after all, then you can come up with some solutions that you think will be effective and hopefully will do no damage to you or anybody else. And if it turns out that the others are correct and your thinking is delusional, you haven't left a trail of confusion and hurt in your wake.

My mother became very delusional when she developed dementia (I'm NOT saying that you have dementia, just thinking about my own experience with delusions). There was very little that would sway her from her point of view when she'd convinced herself of something. After being embarrassed a number of times by saying or doing something based on whatever nonsense she'd told me, I learned to take anything that came out of her mouth with a big grain of salt. For a while, the delusions weren't so far-fetched that it was obvious, but eventually, as she got sicker, they became utterly absurd and there was no question that there was any reality involved. So I understand you when you say that, in the grip of your delusion, it's all real to you. It seems to me that you're going to have to rely to some extent on the people around you to help you, and do your best to trust them and follow their advice even if it doesn't make sense to you.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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