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 Post subject: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 5:21 pm 
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Hi everyone,

My name is Martin and I'm either a recovering borderline or was misdiagnosed and was never a borderline at all.

I had a difficult childhood with violence and abandonment. I was left with the feeling that I was and never would be "good enough". I guess this is what robbed me of the necessary confidence to do better in my early years. I always had terribly difficult relationships, couldn't keep jobs, early panic attacks and OCDs and held an inner rage that was always close to the surface. I would shoplift, ride motorcycles at far too high speeds (to calm my feelings) and always felt an emptiness that I tried to fill with female friends, relationships and sex. None of it helped. Anyway, I managed a relationship of some 10 years and had two children, managed to study and get a degree and all seemed better until the relationship came to an end. It was messy and I left the family home and became homeless. This is when my "madness" came out. I developed eating disorders, going from starving to bingeing to bulimia, I started self harming, and everything else just got worse and worse. The emptiness, self image, emotional "death", mood swings and a dark depression. When I finally sought help I was shipped off to psychodynamic therapy where I was eventually diagnosed Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (Borderline type) by the clinical Pyschotherapist.

Since therapy (4 years ago) I feel I've calmed down, things aren't so bad, I'm in a relationship that is stable and I feel much more stable than before. I feel I am growing out of my BPD. However, I had a psyche assessment by a PD specialist and she was unsure about my diagnosis. It is unusual to develop BPD at 42 years old and she wondered whether I had managed my borderline traits until the relationship broke down and the extreme stress of being homeless, the end of the relationship etc.. was enough to cause me to "lose" it.

I don't know myself. I am left with very stunted emotions. I rarely feel particularly happy or sad. I have no interests and my life seems to be pointless and without direction. I don't drive or ride fast anymore and although I do still feel that inner rage it isn't so active it is still there. I don't have those whirlwind emotions I once had but I also feel quite dead inside. Is this the plight of recovery or am I not recovering at all?

----------------
Martin.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 2:46 am 
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hi martin
just wondering are you on any meds? coz sometimes meds can cause us to feel 'dead emotionally'

another reason could be that because we're so used to the whirlwind of emotions, having flat emotions seem like dead emotions to us, when they actually seem normal to 'normal people'... if you get my drift...


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:37 am 
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Hello Martin.
Welcome here!

My understanding of EUPD is that its just the European official title for BPD; they're interchangeable. I wouldn't get too hung up on titles. What is important is the recovery that YOU need. The tools that we use here can be used for BPD as well as many other disorders, they're CBT exercises.

Glad you made it here!


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 4:35 pm 
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Thanks for your replies. Perhaps that is the answer that I have been so used to being emotionally stormy that the loss feels flat. I'm on Citalopram 40mg to help with depression. I dunno if i'm still depressed but if I stop the meds I feel it within a few days. Labels aren't so important but I've been involved with Social Services who seem very interested in labels.. My independant psych report indicated I may never have been borderline in her opinion. So I wonder...

Thanks again.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:03 pm 
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No prob :)

Yeah if you're so used to being emotionally stormy, suddenly flat seems like a loss. I experience that too...


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:42 pm 
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HI there mart9012,

Welcome. I'm a bit intermittent on bpdr. I have had mixed professional opinions about my bpd dgx as well, although our situations sound fairly different.

Your psych report says you may never have been BPD. What does it say you are now? As stranjer said, my understanding is that EUPD is a European name for BPD. Do they just think you are depressed now?

Im not sure the cause of your emotional flatness. One possible cause is that the med/s can definitely dampen down emotions. Also, over time, all psych meds can cause your brain to stop producing it's own proper chemical response, so if you go off your meds you feel worse in a few days because your body has downregulated it's own response. So it's not necessarily that *you* are depressed, but rather that your brain now functions less well without the meds, due to the meds. Your brain can heal in time though. Im not saying that's the cause of you feeling worse when you go off them, but it can be. I was on Zoloft for about a month once and went through a six month withdrawal when i went off of it.

You also mention having rage close to the surface. Perhaps your emotions arent as dead as you think. (?)

Feeling and functioning better is more important than labels. I hope you can benefit from some of the good stuff going on here.

Liz

mart9012 wrote:
Thanks for your replies. Perhaps that is the answer that I have been so used to being emotionally stormy that the loss feels flat. I'm on Citalopram 40mg to help with depression. I dunno if i'm still depressed but if I stop the meds I feel it within a few days. Labels aren't so important but I've been involved with Social Services who seem very interested in labels.. My independant psych report indicated I may never have been borderline in her opinion. So I wonder...

Thanks again.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 4:13 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 6:27 am
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Martin, may aSk which country you live in?


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 6:40 am 
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Hi again...

I'm in the UK about 40 miles west of London. A lot makes sense especially the issue with meds pushing down the minds natural way of dealing with mood etc. I tried to put this view forward that when I stop my citalopram for any period I feel depressed and I wondered if it was to do with the meds not any underlying mood problem.

I don't think I don't feel these emotions, I think I have cut them off inside. During my two years of psychodynamic therapy this was an issue I tried to work on with some success. As a kid I was very angry and I suppose I had to calm this down to coexist with others but I think it is still there. The result is that I struggle to feel normal emotions and it seems automatic now. There must be some depression as I have no interests and no drive to do anything. My BPD came out very strongly and suddenly at age 42 and I honestly felt I had gone mad with lots of strange behaviour but it has calmed again. The psych reckoned I had Borderline difficulties rather than the full disorder and it was the result of extreme stress (the end of a ten year relationship in this case).

However, two other psych professionals (a clinical psychotherapist and a pyschiatrist) have both supported a diagnosis of BPD. This is really important legally because social services see this diagnosis in a very poor light.

Thanks for your comments and excuse my rambling !!


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 6:50 am 
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I just wanted to add, as quite rightly someone mentioned that it is about living and not labels.

I don't feel I'm living. I'm stuck in that somewhat safe place of being highly disordered and therefore in a state where I don't feel I have to care or work for my future (not such a bad feeling) and not actually well either. I have no drive, no interests and really am not getting myself forward either. You know the saying "There must be more to life than this" and I know there is... but it seems far away. I'm not going anywhere.

I am in a relationship with a more typical BPD who has stabilised a lot since being with me and together we are dealing with our relationship and our general emotional relating pretty well. There's a level of understanding how we react to things that is helpful. My experience of myself and my partner is that we can be incredibly childish when we react to arguements.

I think I still need some theraputic intervention to move on...


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 Post subject: Re: Hi. Recovering borderline or never borderline at all?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:05 am 
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mart9012 wrote:
I don't feel I'm living. I'm stuck in that somewhat safe place of being highly disordered and therefore in a state where I don't feel I have to care or work for my future (not such a bad feeling) and not actually well either. I have no drive, no interests and really am not getting myself forward either. You know the saying "There must be more to life than this" and I know there is... but it seems far away. I'm not going anywhere.


I hope you get out of that mode soon :)

find something that interests you?


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