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Emptiness and Fear

I thought I had been doing so much better for a while. Then, with not getting a job, with one of my sones treating me with contempt and impatience on the phone, I began to feel terrible again. My husband and I have spent about 2-4 hours per night watching Netflix and spending intimate time together. In the past few weeks, my DH has wanted to go to sleep earlier and cut down on our evening time. I felt this as him ducking out just as I was warming up and was disappointed. This is how a borderline assesses a situation. Not that he was spending so much time directly with me, but that it was getting shorter and I needed more. This brings in the selfish nature of my borderline nature. I realize that most of what I want, to, and even give, can be based on my own selfish nature of what will satisfy me even more (at times) than my DH. I was so upset about learning this about myself that I even woke him up to tell him what I'd figured out and that I was still way more borderline than I thought. I was ver fearful that I might not be able to beat this monster that has led my life for 60+ years. I am going back to my workshop lessons after about a week and will pursue my tasks even harder. The sad thing is that underneath everhthing in me is the fear of abandonment. I fear that if my DH spends less time with me or does things where he wants to be private, that I am being shut out of parts of his life, when I want to be engaged with as much as I can. He is going back to teach at the university again (this time horrible courses that he hates) and will help him as much as I can. I will also miss him on the days he is gone and know that the other days will be focused on what he needs to do for teaching (and not ME). This is not good at all, and shows how very much selfhish I still am. I have to turn this around and be more focused on what he needs. Maybe this will help me be less needy if I focus on someone else's needs! Anyway, wish me well. This is be a VERY difficult step for me to take and I'm not sure I will succeed.
Cynwyd

I think you did a good job recognizing the flawed thinking, the abandonment fears and so on.

How about pursuing some healthy activities and past times on your own, especially when your hubby is busy with his work? This will make you healthier too...

You could try reading, some hobbies, doing social work (which can be very fulfilling), etc...

let us know how it goes!