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 Post subject: Down fell the stars as they splashed into the sea...
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:20 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:16 pm
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Hello, I suppose, however unfamiliar terms we may be on:

I was diagnosed with BPD while I was deployed in Afghanistan. It was always something I could keep at bay most moments, tho I had my days. I remember depression and hopelessness since 6th grade, tho that is as far back as I can truly remember. I made it thru four months of hell in basic, maintaining my sanity, despite my numerous set backs. I deployed shortly after AIT (fresh out of training just a year after graduation, off I was.)

I started having nightmares, and getting chest pains that would last 5-10 mins at a time. It all kept getting worse and worse. I couldn't sleep at first, then all I did on my 8-10hrs off a day was sleep. It got worse and worse until I was looking at Article 15s (legal punishment in the Army). The worse my "deteriorated performance" became the deeper my hole became. I was so bad off I was doing full day extra duty (sand bags day and night, rain or shine) simply so they would feel like they could keep me "out of trouble". I stopped being able to hold down food or even water. I would go many nights sleepless. I didn't know how much longer I could take it most moments.

I was sent back to the states only to be raped by a battle buddy, which, seemed to make them want to shuffle me out quicker.

I withdrew from everything at that point. Pulled back from my friends, terrified to get out of the house, especially to get a job. Tried to kill myself a couple times... Still think about it.

I was told all my life how intelligent and talented I am only to be to terrified to use it. I love people only to be too terrified to allow myself to try to get close.

I never used to be this bad off... at least not letting it cripple me like this... up all night, not able to sleep. Asleep all day, unable to get up until way too late in the day.

I don't know what to do, where to start. I just know I could do so much more... if only I had the energy...


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 Post subject: Re: Down fell the stars as they splashed into the sea...
PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:41 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:04 pm
Posts: 94
Location: USA
Welcome to the forum, LadyKnight. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and are experiencing reactions to that trauma and stress. Are you getting any help from the VA right now, like therapy or other help transitioning?


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 Post subject: Re: Down fell the stars as they splashed into the sea...
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:16 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
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Location: Denver
I hear the VA is pretty backed up and it can take quite a while to get into therapy - have you looked into any free or low-cost options to work on things yourself during the wait time? That's actually what helped me when I had no insurance, meds or therapist. I found some books and a good discussion board and did quite a bit of work on my own before I could get in for actual help.

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 Post subject: Re: Down fell the stars as they splashed into the sea...
PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 11:48 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:10 am
Posts: 17
Hello =)

First of all, thank you for your service. I'm tremendously glad that you've come here to help yourself understand and learn to cope with everything that's happened, it's a very brave thing to do. Sometimes to find energy to keep going, you just have to extend a hand, and you clearly have. Welcome to the journey. =)


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