BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi, my name is Paul. I'm 38 years old and was first diagnosed with BPD in my early twenties. That said, it wasn't until my doctor accessed my military medical records last year that anyone actually told me about it. Once I looked up the details of BPD, everything started to make sense. The "reveal" also helped my wife understand what was going on and, at the time anyway, kept her from leaving me. So now, even though I have an understanding of what's going on, I'm not dealing with it properly (at all, really) and my relationship with my wife is very strained. I need to do something. This forum/site looks like a good place to find some direction and support. I've ordered "Putting the Pieces Together" and I will make use of it. The bottom line for me is that I want to get better and I want to save my marriage and rediscover a meaningful, loving connection with my wife.

The challenges I see for myself in attaining these goals are my pride, my stubbornness and my defensiveness. I am aware of these qualities when they make an appearance and I struggle to subdue them when they do show up, but more often than not they get the better of me and a fight with my wife ensues. I also am aware of signposts that indicate I'm entering the borderlands ( a term I just learned here). They are self-directed thoughts such as "You bend so you don't break," and "You are the strong one in the relationship." Another sign is when I get annoyed that my wife doesn't like my cats. It seems like a silly issue to have, but when I get that feeling, trouble follows. I'm aware of these thoughts, I'm aware of my behaviors and my mental patterns, but I currently feel in thrall to them. The situation feels pretty dire. I actually have physical seizures when I get really upset, as I did last night.

For her part, my wife doesn't feel safe in giving me the emotional support I need when I'm in the borderlands. She has her own defenses and they are on high alert. I yearn to find a way for us to reconnect, so that we can communicate openly and safely with each other, but until I make some fundamental changes, that's not likely to happen. It's a Catch-22 for me. I could really use moral and emotional support from my wife to help me get better, but she's no longer willing to provide that support until I start getting better. If it is to be, it's up to me. And that's fine. It's hard, it hurts, but it's fine. I can't blame her for not reaching out to a drowning man.

It helps to know that I am not alone, not the only one to go through this awful pain. Thanks for reading.

Be well.

Paul_C

Hi Paul,

Welcome! Your story sounds familiar. There are many people who are suffering through similar situations. Take a look at the box labeled "Tools" to the left of this post. Those are VERY helpful in learning how to work with your emotions and your emotional situations in the best way you can. Try not to be hard on yourself. No one ever gets it perfect. Just think about what you feel needs to change about your behaviors and focus on that.

I hope you find at least some of what you need here.

Trinity

Hi Trinity,

Thank you so much for the kind welcome. As I said, it really is helpful to know that I'm not alone in this situation. I've realized that a key element of life's work is to heal myself to the very best of my ability, and the first step is to acknowledge my reality. I can't say I'm looking forward to the work, but I do know it's critical if I want to do more than just survive. I'll be spending quite a bit of time here, I suspect.

Be well.

Paul

Dear Paul

Well at the very least your wife is not leaving you. She's sticking with you even though she's hesitant to provide the emotional support.

Happy working out your issues.

Just curious if you're currently going for any therapy?

Paul,

Your cats are important to you. IMHO, this is not a "silly" issue at all. Animals give us comfort when no one else is there. They are loyal, and as long as they are not abused they give back love. We can depend on animals long after others have gone. I think also, there is a desire for us to want those closest to us to also love our furballs as much as we do. I know I would not be with the man in my life if he didn't love animals. They are very important to me, as I sense they are to you.

dagwood

Hi meremortal,

Thank you for the good wishes. I do recognize that she hasn't left, and I'm grateful for that. As for therapy, I'm taking part in a self-directed CBT program (http://www.onlinetherapyuser.ca) to deal with my GAD. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist every few months, mainly to monitor my antidepressant prescription. As it happens, my wife practices something called BodyTalk which, if nothing else, seems to "centre" me when I do one of the daily exercises faithfully. I know that I need to do more, especially wrt my BPD issues. But you know, even simply visiting this board brings me a mild sense of accomplishment and motivation.

Be well.

Paul

Hi Dagwood,

They are important to me. It can be really frustrating, especially since I love and adore our dogs, which my wife brought to the family. I know that there is a tendency among borderline folks to have difficulty with other people not sharing our qualities, and this is an instance where I struggle. If I love our dogs, why won't she love our cats? For the most part, I accept the situation, but it still hurts when it comes to mind.

Be well.

paul,
thanks for the link

you too, be well

Hello, Paul... new here as well. =)
I can relate to the strained relationship aspect you're going through, and your partner being hesitant to reach out which is a partial reason I've sought some sort of community to accomplish several things in recovery. It's incredibly brave to face this aspect of your life and furthermore strive for positive change. Glad you found this place, and I too suspect I'll be spending a lot of time here.

Hey!
I know how difficult this is.
I've not been diagnosed but i suspect this is what i've got too.
I lost my mum when I was 9 - suicide. Spent the majority of my teens in turmoil and not knowing why or the what ifs. Thought i'd got over it. This year and last has been a year of arguments with my dad over stupid things, but they still get to the point where i'm telling him to go, where i'm so angry i tell him i hate him and hate me. I thought i was going round the bend, waking up moody as ever when i had no reason whatsoever to feel so down. Then my counsellor suggested BPD and i must admit, i feel relieved that I possibly have a condition that leads me to feeling the way i do. I turn to drink wen I can't handle my feelings, which in turn causes a total vicious circle.
I feel for you, and hope you'll be ok