When I was younger, things (the life decisions I made; the repeated 'walking away' from relationships) didn't seem to matter so much.
But now, as a middle-aged person, I find myself in a spot where I have needed to look back over my life ... to try and evaluate 'how' I ever got to where I am today (in a very 'challenging' life situation) ... and what I see is that I have lived a very fractured and disjointed life. It's been like the 'blinders' have come off and I can see now that the years of poor choices and disconnectedness have caught up with me!
It wasn't like I didn't try to do things right ... I did, I did, I did try ... but all that time there was an 'enemy' at work in my life that I did not see ... the BPD, and a family of it ... and it's very hard to fight the enemy and win the battle, when you don't see it.
This disorder has taken a lot from my life ... I don't want to lose anymore to it ... and so, yes, I 'am' very motivated to get well. I'm actually afraid 'not to' ... and sometimes 'fear' can be a good motivator, if it gets me to make healthy changes.
Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm very glad you all are here, too ...