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 Post subject: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:35 am 
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Hello, everyone! =)

I'm a 29-year old who has suffered from bpd long before I knew what it was. After watching pieces of my life fall apart time and time again, I entered treatment 5 years ago and gained a vast understanding of why things turned out for the worst. 4 years later, I kind of feel like I'm at square one again.
I'm in a very committed relationship with a guy (D) that I'm (not the bpd) head over heels in love with and we've been together over a year now. Except the problem is that this ugly little illness is threatening to ruin everything we've built if I can't get things in my head sorted out.
I've gone through the therapy and have read an enormous amount of information about BPD, but being as it's fall I tend to go through a pretty nasty bout of depression and because of this, the feelings that we all know so well are peeking their horrible little heads out.
I feel like I could greatly benefit from a community like this as financially, therapy isn't really an option right now and I'm not ignorant to the illness, so paying for someone to tell me what I already know... I don't want to start medication again for a myriad of reasons (though I'm smart enough to know when this might become a necessity). I guess I just need advice from people who have a greater life experience than myself. A person that I don't have to sit in a chair across from, where I can have my anonymity and completely and honestly talk about the things that I need help with, that I can't necessarily do with D all of the time, nor do I want to... I need to learn how to stand on my own with this, to not fall victim to it and have the healthy, happy relationship that I know is there and to get there with the hard work that I'm determined to do to make us both happy and ensure that we're holding hands when we're 90. Bpd, I want to kick you in the nads and laugh about it, then skip away.
So, thank you admins for this site... I'm looking forward to this journey with you all.


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 1:35 pm 
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Hi Daisy,

Is there any chance that D might have his own issues which are triggering some of your old BPD thoughts and patterns? You obviously couldn't change him (cuz only he can do that for himself) but perhaps just recognizing that XYZ is a trigger when D says or does it might help you rein-in the BPD impulses.

Oh, and welcome to BPDR!

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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2011 12:49 pm 
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Hi blazin_daisy! "Welcome", and I'm determined to win, too! :)


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2011 4:54 pm 
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Hi BD,

Welcome. Glad you're here!


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 8:37 am 
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Hi guys. =) Thanks for the welcome!

It's kind of weird, and I don't know if this happens to any of you, but it's like I'll do so well for an extended period of time and... I don't know, it's like I forget that I have this until it comes at me with a vengeance and even then, it takes some huge internal melt down to remind me.
Right now, it's at a point where I remember just how much of a beyotch bpd is and I can literally see and hear myself acting in ways that are a benefit to the illness and then am kind of aghast that it all happened after the damage is done.
I'm painfully aware right now, though. I realize that most of my problems with D stem from a lack of trust on my end, he's never done a single thing *to* me that should make me not trust him completely. Yet because of my fears of abandonment (and wow... They're ridiculously persistent) And complete lack of self-esteem (i was molested my a family member and thought that letting myself reach over 400lbs was a completely acceptable response, though now i've lost almost half of that and deal with the wreckage that is my body) I have a hard time not twisting whatever it is he says or does in to some perceived slight or mini-betrayal. Like i said... I can see it, but I really don't know what to do about it. The idea of radical acceptance in this case just doesn't jive for me because my behavior isn't acceptable and it certainly doesn't fit the picture of the person
I am and continue to strive to be. I need something else to record on the little tape that plays constantly in my head.
Thanks for the ramble. I'm amazing at those. =)


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 9:54 am 
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blazin_daisy wrote:

It's kind of weird, and I don't know if this happens to any of you, but it's like I'll do so well for an extended period of time and... I don't know, it's like I forget that I have this until it comes at me with a vengeance and even then, it takes some huge internal melt down to remind me.




Yes, I experience the illness this way, too. I currently notice this pattern in my life, too.

I seem to do well for awhile, and then it's almost as if the illness needs to bust out and express itself.

:(

Least, I know that it seems that way to me, but in reality, I think perhaps it is that I haven't yet learned how to take better care of myself and manage the illness. Also, I'm in an extremely stressful life situation at this time. Stress + me has never done particularly well. Ongoing Stress + me is just not a good recipe for me.

I'm hoping that as I learn and practice the tools of recovery, and to better manage the stressors in my life, that the symptoms of the illness will lessen. I remain very hopeful for this.

:)


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 9:32 am 
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Ash wrote:

Is there any chance that D might have his own issues which are triggering some of your old BPD thoughts and patterns? You obviously couldn't change him (cuz only he can do that for himself) but perhaps just recognizing that XYZ is a trigger when D says or does it might help you rein-in the BPD impulses.

Oh, and welcome to BPDR!



Hi Ash =)

I definitely think you're on to something with that, because he's said himself that he doesn't know what's wrong with him, that maybe he's the "crazy" one and once in an (extremely rare) argument he's told me that I am not a professional and I have no right to try and diagnose him. Though I never tried to do that, I want him to realize that he's not gone through life unscathed and that he has major avoidance issues when it comes to talking about feelings and communicating. Silence is deadly for me because I fill in the blanks with only negative things. "He's not talking to me, he must be mad/not love me anymore." It's my reaction to his reactions, and since the beginning I've been aware that this has been an issue for us. It's cute in the beginning, but when it's a somewhat seasoned relationship, it becomes a point of exasperation. I tend to think it's because of me, my reactions to whatever it is he has to say, but I know when we actually do go and sit down and discuss things, I try very hard to hear what it is he's saying and not have it reflect my preconceived notions of what I'm trying to hear and he tries very hard to not be blunt and rude.
Raaaaaaaaamble.

But yes, the point you had made about our issues conflicting with each other is extremely valid and I've told him repeatedly the only way to get through them is through communicating and he agreed to hear me and not be flippant and keep the punches above the belt. So, if that's not progress, I just don't know what is. =)


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 9:31 pm 
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hi there

it does sound like progress to me :)

I think one way you can WIN over the bpd is to be aware of your abandonment fears (which you already are) and STOP yourself when you're about to take reckless actions because of your abandonment fears - like frantically preventing the perceived abandonment from happening. I'm sure you have learnt techniques like distress tolerance, tolerating distressful emotions, checking the feelings against facts, etc. Practise them again.


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 9:11 am 
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meremortal wrote:

I think one way you can WIN over the bpd is to be aware of your abandonment fears (which you already are) and STOP yourself when you're about to take reckless actions because of your abandonment fears - like frantically preventing the perceived abandonment from happening.



I think what you've shared here is such very helpful advice.

For myself, I didn't see where I had any kind of 'fear of abandonment' ... until I recently began looking back at some very significant, life altering decisions that I had made in the past, which also later proved to be very unwise ones. And what I realized was that almost every one of those decisions was made by me because I feared I was going to be 'rejected'. So, before the rejection came ... I bailed out of the situations. That running from rejection (fear of abandonment) cost my life so much in quality.

But now I can see how finding out that one has BPD, and taking steps early in life to overcome it, can majorly help to set one's life on the right course and help to keep it there.


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:00 am 
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I've been trying to be very aware of my thoughts and catch them when they're... I don't want to say crazy... misaligned with reality? But it almost makes me feel worse because when I say something to D about something I just did, an apology or the sort, it draws attention to whatever it is I just did and I feel like an asshole for even behaving that way.
Rationally, I know it's better to address it right then and there but I just irritate the bejesus out of myself with my behavior and wish I didn't have to even be like this.
I'm just frustrated with myself today. It's like I can see it, apologize for it, but I would much prefer to not have to do that in the first place. And I'm having one hell of a time not acting out.


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 Post subject: Re: Determined to Win
PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:43 am 
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hey blazing daisy

it's not easy, this journey of ours...

so hang in there and persevere till one day you can overcome the acting out or acting in...


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