My life for as long as I've known has been clouded by messy emotions. First of all, my mum committed suicide when I was 9, I then spent the next 10 years wondering why she left me, why I wasn't enough, why she didn't stay etc. I'm 20 now. I moved out of my family home last year. As a teenager i remember feeling constantly scared that my dad would leave, that my friends would leave, up until I was 14 I used to ask my friends on a daily basis if they were still my best friends. Once I moved out last year I thought I was happy, I had a string of relationships that didn't last because they said I was too full on; I couldn't stand the thought of losing them, I really couldn't. I'd meet them and by day one, I'd feel like I loved them. I went through the whole of last year having highs and lows but thinking i was happy, I stopped caring, and whenever i started thinking about something I'd have a drink or throw myself into a relationship that didn't benefit me in the slightest. This year, I seem to have got worse, I have volatile relationships with my family, can be hot and cold with my friends, and have lost all sense of my identity. I just thought I was depressed. In April this year I got into a relationship that didn't help me whatsoever, he turned out to be attached, it was a destructive relationship, he'd tell me he was coming to see me, he'd let me down, i'd have a bottle or 2 of wine. The next day instead of hating him, i'd love him and let him back in again. Then he got me pregnant, I was happy, yet numb, I didn't register the practicalities, I didn't think logically, I just wanted somebody that I knew wouldn't abandon me; a baby. Eventually, after my family told me I needed to seriously think about what I was doing, i had an abortion. I made my baby all sorts of promises, that i wouldn't drink on my own, that i wouldn't sleep with unsuitable men. It last for 2 weeks. Then one day when I was suffering big time, I had a bottle of wine, I've been on and off for months. I couldn't understand why i was waking up empty all the time, when i had a job, a flat a family, I just feel down. I go to work, I'm practically jumping off the walls, hyper perhaps, within hours, I'm down, fed up and totally demotivated. My counsellor suggested ages ago that i might be BPD and i totally bypassed it and thought no, i'm just going through a rocky patch. She gave me a book on it this week, i looked through it and thought "oh no that is me" and in a way I feel relieved that my feelings are a recognised problem. I can't explain what it is like to feel happy and on top of the world one minute, to feel like pulling my hair out. I'ts hard work, trying to get up in the morning knowing that I don't really want to. Now, i need a direction, i need to heal.
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