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 Post subject: greetings ....
PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:07 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 7:49 pm
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I just learned about this site today when my husband sent me the link to check out.

I have not 'officially' been diagnosed BPD but I see easily that I suffer from many of the symptoms that are listed in the DSM IV TR. I have suffered from depression (currently added: PTSD and anxiety) a vast majority of my life and am currently on medication for my depression and anxiety. I have been in counseling for the past 6 months for sexual abuse trauma from my early childhood ... as well as dealing with being put up for adoption at birth and my parents being so busy in their businesses that I pretty much raised myself. I had always known I was adopted but I always interpreted it as not 'being wanted' regardless of what my adopted mother would say about my birth mother loving me so much that she wanted a better life for me.... for some reason that just never rang true for me.

I was molested by a family friend friend from age 13-19 (but I never realized this is what it was until April 2010... when my husband enlightened me to the fact that this relationship was not an adulterous affair that I was responsible for) so to escaped I moved to another state to get free... was raped by a leader in a religious organization, jumped into a marriage to escape that trauma, had my son only to have it fail in divorce 3 years later. Remarried my two older daughters father, who became a cop and was very abusive. He walked out Christmas Day to be with my best friend. Remarried my youngest daughters father. We were marred 9 years when my two oldest daughters disclosed he had molested them. I divorced him immediately, he went to prison and I did the only think I knew to do, I remarried a 4th time. That was short lived in that I learned my husband was growing pot in a shed next to our house, putting our whole family in jeopardy (so we separated in 2004 & he asked that the divorce be finalized Jan 2006) .. and the stress of dealing with my two daughters abuse and refusal to do counseling or get any kind of help put them in trouble with drinking, drugs and the law.... literally the past 8 of 10 years has been survival mode at best.

I met my (final) husband in April 2010 online through a dating site. I thought by this time I had been dealing with my issues and had a better handle on things. When we met, I took him to my home town and proceeded to tell him and show him where I had been raised and all that had happened to me growing up.... it was at this time that he enlightened me with the knowledge that my childhood sexual 'affair' that I believed was my fault, was childhood molestation by an adult .... this completely threw me into a downward spiral of depression and unearthing of things that I had long buried trying to move on...

It was this last week in my counseling session that my husband brought paperwork on BPD to share with my counselor present b/c he felt that I would become hostile and angry being 'labeled' .... she opened the DSM IV TR and read the criteria and I saw that I met 'some' of what was written but not all. I realized that perhaps now, I might have hope and the ability to get better. My counselor and psychiatrist will not DX me officially BPD and I am not sure that I deserve that DX but I do have behaviors that are synonymous with some of the criteria.

While I don't want to kill myself... I do wish, when things just get so overwhelming for me, that I could NOT live on this planet rather than have to cycle around the mountain again... I hate that things seem so negative and difficult and I'm 'tired' of struggling with being depressed and feeling so without hope.

While meds have helped me greatly, the holidays are an especially difficult time for me b/c so much bad trauma has happened during this time over the years that I would rather NOT have to endure trying to be holiday happy and get caught up in the expectation of buying gifts and spending money.... I do NOT like to spend money, especially when I'm in college and living in a measly pittance of unemployment benefits and student loans to pay monthly household expenses.... giving gifts makes me happy, but not spending money I don't have to accomplish it.

I will be looking for a counselor that practices dialectical behavior therapy as that seems to be what helps most for those who suffer from BPD .... and I will continue working with my current counselor as she has helped me a lot the past 6 months.

I don't fully understand yet what BPD causes in the way of behaviors and thinking but being here and reading all that I have so far is helping me to see and understand better.... my hearts desire is to fully overcome this disorder and change how I think about myself and situations and others and retrain my brain to think/operate healthy.

I don't want to lose my marriage and right now, as long as I am working to get better, that won't happen. My biggest fear is that I won't have the funds or benefits to cover treatment in order to get better ... but I can't go there.... I fight with a part of me telling me to just 'end' it now and run.... but that is not what I really want outside of the fact that, from my perspective, it would protect him from needless hurt ... in his own right being married to a drug addict for years, he's endured enough....

Right now, we're together ... and my focus is going to have to be on ME, figuring out who I am really, figuring out my stuff and working through and doing what is most healthy for me ... it sounds really selfish and goes against what I've been taught but I won't get better unless I make ME a priority in so doing. When I get healthy, then I can work on having a healthy relationship/marriage also. And all I can do is just take it one day at a time, even one moment at a time when things get really overwhelming....

At least I have hope now.... at least I am getting answers ... looking forward to learning all I can, interacting with others and working on my healing and wholeness.

Merry Christmas!


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 Post subject: Re: greetings ....
PostPosted: Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:56 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey there


first of all, welcome onboard
thanks for your willingness to share your story with all of us here :)

indeed you have gone through A LOT!

well, now that you have identified that you have some of the symptoms of bpd, and that it's time to start working on recovery, that's a very good start. Never mind that you don't have a formal bpd diagnosis :)

all the best to you in your recovery journey


merry christmas!


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 Post subject: Re: greetings ....
PostPosted: Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:13 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
Posts: 819
Location: sarasota
rutzznme,

Welcome! so glad you have found your way here. It is not in the least "selfish"
to want to get well. As Meremortal has said, it sounds like you have been an awful lot. It will take some time, but you most certainly seem to have the determination to get well. It sounds like you have a very loving,caring and supportive husband.....one that will stand by you and love you through the difficult times.

Have you seen a therapist at all? Any medications?
Keep coming here....this is a good place.

Dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: greetings ....
PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 7:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 7:49 pm
Posts: 3
Thank you for the warm welcome and kindness! I am so very appreciative
for your 'reaching out'.

I just finished reading a book by Valarie Porr, MA entitled, "Overcoming
Borderline Personality Disorder" and it was very VERY enlightening to me!
It seemed that I flashed back to various situations indelibly burned into my
mind of times I was exhibiting BPD behaviors since I was about 20-21 y/o.
I guess that is the earliest recollection I have of behaving as the book has
described of BPD ... how I wish I could have known back then! But I guess
and my experience was misdiagnosis in my mid 20's ....

I had my two daughters 11 1/2 apart in home births and with the
birth of my 2nd daughter, my placenta did not birth.. I refused to go to the
hospital, hoping and praying that it would come out ... and only when I began
to pass out from blood loss was my mid-wife able into the ambulance and off
to the hospital.... the doc didn't transfuse me for my blood loss but told me to
go home and rest (yah, a new born, 1 year old and 5 year old) A 1/2 year later
Iwas DX'd with pre-cervix cancer which was caught early enough to be treated
and right after that I spiraled into serious depression, and much BPD (I now
realize) behaviors.... I was hospitalized a few months later when a friend took
me to a psychiatrist and told him she believed I was bi-polar ... he said I had
'some' symptoms but not all and put me in the hospital for a week to get me
out of my environment to 'rest' and started me on lithium... after about 6-9
months of not getting better and feeling much worse, I changed docs as my
husband walked out on us on Christmas Day for my best friend...

this ended up being one of the best gifts I have ever received & my new doc
told me I was mis-DX'd and was NOT bi-polar but was in situational depression
and now I think I may have suffered from post-partum depression after the
birth of my two daughters so close...

anyway, I was put on prozac and it helped me for a good season ... but had to
go off when I got pregnant with my youngest daughter....

I knew I was always out of kilter ... suffered a lot of depression and just could
not seem to 'get happy' ... had those emotional outbursts of anger and rage
at times but never knew what was going on....

so much loss, so much pain, so much misunderstanding, guilt, shame, grief,
stigmatized by being divorced 4 times, hating myself, wanting to die but not
wanting to kill myself.... death just seemed the only way to stop the pain!!

I feel so relieved now! I think I am going to ask my current psychiatrist if
she will administer the tests to see if, for sure, I am BPD officially.... I feel as
if much of what I have gone through and continue to experience are BPD
symptoms ... I am not even sad to think I will be 'labeled' mentally ill IF I am
officially DX'd .... I just want to do whatever I can to get better....and I am
grateful that from what I have read so far, that I am a high functioning BPD!
As rotten as I can feel about that... I know how much worse it could be and
how much more terrible I could feel ....

I have to admit that here a few weeks ago I had the WORST experience with
this and it was before I even knew of BDP... I had a falling out with my husband
can't even remember over what but we were not talking for like 2 days... we
had a couple slated to come over for dinner and I 'attempted' to try to make
it right with him... he just looked at me with a non-expressioned look and said
he had no problem and it was my problem.... oh boy.... escalation major! I
tried to express to him how his actions hurt me and he just pushed by me and
went about his business and monotonely said that it wasn't his problem and
it was how I viewed it .... by the time we ended this dialogue, he made a
comment about how, when he married me, he had no clue that I was "as bad"
as I was .... and that was it... I took off my wedding set, set it in the counter,
went into our bedroom, packed a bag and left ... I drove down to the ferry
landing by our house devestated and in tears.... I had to wait a good 1/2 hour
for the next ferry and I was honestly planning how I could painlessly end my
life ... I actually had a plan and was going to do what I needed to do once I
got to the other side of the sound.... suddenly, my cell phone rang, it was a
good friend of mine Deb... I shut ignored it .. and heard a voice almost yell
at me "call her back"!!! so I did.... I spilled everything to her... all the pain,
what happened, what I was going to do... it took a good 1/2 hour to get me
calmed down and agreeing that I would NOT take my life.... I would drive to
my friends house and stay there and call her when I arrived.

I was saved ... I arrived at my friends house and he was able to calm me down
and help me through ... I thought, since my husband did not know where i had
gone that he would text me or call me to check... he never did... not for the 2
days I was gone!!

We were talking about that today and I shared how terrible that time had been
for me, the plan I had, the way he made me feel by NOT trying to find out if I
was ok or showing any care for me...

I had texted him to see if he would meet me at my counseling appt (yes, I have
been in counseling for the past 6 months) the next day and he said yes... but
nothing further ....

the next day he met me at my counselor's office... he brought a print out of BPD
and advised me he had been meeting with his own counselor for the past month
and she gave him a book to read on BPD ... she had been married to one for years,
but we have only been together a short 2 years.... so he told her he couldn't leave
me until he had done all and tried his hardest to make us work....

My counselor read from the DSM the criteria... and it was so obvious that I had
much of what she read... I was feeling relief but feeling fear and the grief and
loss as I realized in a flash 30 some years of turmoil, loss, etc...

I think being on effexor (was on celexa & tried welbutrin but didn't like how they
made me feel) which I was put on for depression, PTSD and anxiety w/ a small RX
for xanex, which helps with and when I am under intense anxiety.... is helping me

After reading this book... I understand so much more and I am really trying to
put into practice what I can remember when I have an incident .. like yesterday...
my husband has and admits to not really having a clue as to what to do ... he
shuts down, he takes it personal, he defends himself ... and all the while I am
trying to remember and apply what I have read (he hasn't read the book yet)
and while he works as a counselor for CDP, and he has tools to enact, he just
doesn't know what to do to NOT trigger me or help de-escalate my dysregulation
emotionally and all others...

I am also making sure that I add a balanced approach in my seeking treatment...
I am a very spiritual person and have seen the need to get some specific prayer specifically for the mental torment side of things.... I believe that this has helped
me immensely also. I read the book The Shack by William Paul Young (I believe)
and it really was healing for me where God was concerned .. I was raise in a very legalistic, must be perfect, can't sin, type of religious environment. I never knew
what MERCY and GRACE was... only shame, humiliation, and guilt for doing wrong...trying to always be perfect ... the black and white all or nothing view points ...GADS ... God was up there ready to beat my over the head every time I failed
and fell short....

Now I know the Truth ... and I know I am loved and cherished & have value..
and that maybe soon, when I am in the heat of things, I will remember God is
GOOD all the time instead of flashing back to a punishing vengeful God!! I am
de-toxing from religious traditions of man which have totally made the Word of
God of NO EFFECT! About time!! haha

So, probably wrote too much but it felt good to disclose and get it out there...

I am going to do ANY THING and EVERY THING I can to get better...
I am going to find a DBT counselor and DBT group ... gotta wait until the holiday is
over ....

I feel I need to interact with others 'like me' ... find out what they've been through, whats worked, what hasn't ... my heart hurts deeply that ANYONE has to live like
this!!! and even more so for anyone who denies that they even have a problem!!

I am half way through my life... I know everything is seasonal & has a time and a
place and a purpose in coming... I can now learn to ease my pain and the pain I
cause others by learning how to cope better, be more positively focused, etc.

Thank you for your encouragement ... feel free to interact more and whenever : )


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 Post subject: Re: greetings ....
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:14 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:05 am
Posts: 8
Hi rutzznme,

I am new as well. =)

Thank you for sharing your story. I had a little question concerning your post. What is a DBT group?


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 Post subject: Re: greetings ....
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 7:43 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 7:49 pm
Posts: 3
Hi Raine... welcome!!

DBT is short for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. A real good book I would highly suggest that you invest in is called Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valarie Porr, M.A. You can get it via Amazon for like $17 vs $25 at Barnes & Nobles .... Marsha Linehan, a Professor at UW in Seattle created this type of therapy which is basically 'being mindful' and learning mindfulness. She just came out recently that she is Borderline Personality Disorder ... so she created this out of her own knowing.... I guess it is the BEST way to help BPD sufferers so they can overcome and learn a new way of thinking in order to cope with dysregulation that happens....

Valerie talks wonderfully about how people with BPD are not INTENTIONALLY lashing out at loved ones and freaking out and being nasty. She talks about how people with BPD have been shown to have smaller prefrontal cortex's and amygdala's ... with lower levels of serotonin ... so there is a neurobiological reason for our behavior too.... this book speaks to the families and explains to them about 'us' ... my husband read this book and is reading it again and learning the truth about my behavior and why.... SO thankful for this book! SO thankful he is reading it and willing to learn and understand and stand with me rather than just leave me....

There are not a lot of people trained in DBT counseling ... so you have to really be cautious in your looking. Valerie talks about TARA NAPD Treatment and Research Advancements National Association for Personality Disorder - New York, NY 212. 966. 6514 you can call them and find a reference to a counselor in your area who may do DBT counseling.... taraapd@aol.com is their email for info....

Hope this helps... welcome and there is HOPE!!!!


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