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 Post subject: No longer in denial
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 2:51 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 2:20 am
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Years ago I was terrified and desperate. I couldn't control myself, my emotions took over my life, and I had destructive relationship problems. I was convinced I could do it on my own. A year and a half ago, I was obsessively researching bipolar and bpd. I decided I needed help. For real. I convinced myself I had rapid cycling bipolar or something else "treatable" because bpd was too overwhelming of an idea for me. Words like "/personality/ disorder" and "untreatable" just scared me, and I closed my mind to the idea, forcing myself to believe I was bipolar. After all, I had no self-harm history, and that was the defining difference, right?

Wrong.


Anyway, I conviced a psychiatrist I had OCD and bipolar because I'd convinced myself and knew how to talk to make it sound like I had them. He diagnosed me within 45 minutes, so I very seriously doubt it was accurate. Honestly, my "OCD" may or may not exist. I have crazy compulsions sometimes, but they're off and on. The obsessions, however, seem to be more related to BPD than anything (lingering on things people say/do offhandedly that make me feel unwanted/not good enough/etc). The bipolar, well, I probably have depression, but I'm not sure whether I have comorbid BP and BPD or just BPD. It's probably the latter.

Because honestly, I have "high" moods that need little sleep and are excited and crazy, but they don't last long, they're quick to anger and feelings of depression. I can go through extreme roller coasters in a day. And it's not some imbalance, unaffected by the happiness or sadness of the world around me. Specific incidents, that when I go back and analyze them, usually trigger the same thoughts/fears/emotions are what makes these things happen.

My insurance makes it very unlikely that I will be able to go to therapy for this, and my mother wouldn't listen to me for 3 years of me asking for a therapist (specifically working with CBT). She just thought that I was refusing to take drugs and being stupid. She also refused to look up a psychiatrist for me because of my past history of quitting my ADHD pills (let it be known that I never once quit my bipolar meds). She only listened to me, after months, if not years, of finally saying "okay, yes, psychiatrist, not therapist, but PLEASE get me help" because I had an intese breakdown. Part of me knew the breakdown was going to happen, like it was planned unconsciously, because I was angry with her, wanting to prove to her I needed help. When I look back at that situation, it sounds very much like BPD to me (being that, to my knowledge, and feel free to correct me, sometimes the types of reactions for those with BPD tend to come from having no known alternative and are often out of desperation for your emotions to be recognised).

My aunt, whom I had previously been told had bipolar, informed me that it was actually BPD she had when I asked for advice (because my meds, while helping the overall depression, weren't helping with the outbursts and obsessions with negativity). It was only after this that I finally looked back online and came to accept what is most likely the truth. My boyfriend also looked it up after I suggested the possibility that I wasn't actually bipolar, and he said that everything made sense once he read it and that things I have said about my family seemed to support the probability (also his own observations, which I had never really consciously noticed, which apparently include my mother: constantly interrupting me, telling me what to do rather than asking, and pointing out my flaws constantly).

A few days ago, I started looking into self help, because my aunt's current state has given me hope that this can be overcome. So far, I've been meditating and trying to practice certain aspects of mindfulness outside of meditation. My last episode (since the meditation and mindfulness) was much shorter than usual and was resolved when I started explaining my emotions and analyzing why I was behaving the way I was. Saying it aloud helped.

So here I am, ready to help myself so I can finally be the person I want to be: someone who helps others.


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 Post subject: Re: No longer in denial
PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:28 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:05 am
Posts: 8
I know the feeling of researching for answers. I'm trying to stop myself from reading about any kind of disorders. Knowing me I'll probably start to think I have them all, lol.


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