BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi all!

My name is Amanda and I accidentally stumbled across this site while looking up Borderline Personality Disorder. I was just recently told that I have BPD and I kind of feel like I should have got the number of the truck that hit me. I always knew that I was different that I behaved and acted and felt different than the general population I just wasn't sure why?

That all changed about a month ago. My husband and I were fighting non stop and he basically told me that he couldn't deal with me anymore. That he didn't know how to make me happy. I was impossible to please and he was sick of being my emotional punching bag. He said that I needed to change or he would leave. Well of course that terrified me. So I started seeing a counselor to try and figure out why I was so angry all the time. Here is my story.

I grew up in a very abusive household. My first memory of my dad is of him standing over me at the age of 5 calling me stupid and retarded because I wet the bed. He then took his belt and beat me while I was still wet. My mother stood in the door and watched to "make sure he didn't get out of control". I was sexually abused by a neighbor for a year starting at age 6 and molested by my half brother multiple times starting at age 5. He was 7 years older then me. The abuse from my father never stopped and by the time I was 10 I was responsible for all of the household chores including my older, full brothers laundry. It was around that age my friends gave me the nick name of Cinderella.

By age 16 I was expected to work, maintain my grades and continue to keep up on the chores. When I failed on any of them I was beaten with a belt and had things taken away. I was very close to my paternal grandfather and he passed away when I was 16. It was at that point that I started to rebel. By age 17 my mother took me off to the side one day and told me that I had to leave and go live with my grandmother. She was afraid that my attitude would make my dad "kill" me. Her exact words to me where, If you don't leave this house your dad is going to kill you. So I left.

After that point I engaged in many dangerous activities. I did drugs, I drank,I had random sex with strangers. I was in one abusive relationship after another. One that ended up lasting 6 years. I escaped by the skin of my teeth and said to myself never again.

Then I met my husband and I fell in love immediately. He was sucha good man and he was loving and caring and sweet. He never yelled at me and I have spent the last 5 years slowly killing this relationship for no better reason then I can and he is the easiest target out there. We also have a 6 yr old little boy who I love more than my own life and I would rather cut my arm off then to have him feel the way I did growing up.

So here I am. I need help and I know it. I am hoping that by coming here I will feel less alone. My husband tries but he just doesn't understand. I hope that you all can help me feel less crazy. Help me idenfy the crazy and change it

Amanda,

Welcome! I am so glad you found your way here.
Sounds like you've been through quite a lot of turmoil in your life....but hopefully, things will get a little better. Do you take any meds or are you in any therapy?

dagwood

I have been on medications in the past but I didn't like the way that they made me feel. The last one was Zoloft at 200 mg a day. Which I have been told was a high dose. It made me feel like I was floating and disconnected. I stayed on it for 8 months and the feeling never went away so I quit.

Now I am in therapy and I am thinking about asking her for something that will help stablize my moods. Therapy is going well. I think. Well I quess its going good because I have had a lot of emotional storms over the last three weeks and I think its because I am aware of the behavior. As I tell my husband I am able to identify the crazy... LOL. I am just not always able to reign it in. I think though that I am getting there.

I have started my own blog on blogger. Its called My Life With Borderline Personality Dis-order...

I hope that I can document what is going on at that moment and then go back and see what the trigger was or why I was feeling that way that day.

Amanda,

Yes, I understand that "floating" and "disconnected" feelings....weird and uncomfortable to say the least. There seem to be many ADs on the market today, so hopefully your Dr. can try something else.

You are very motivated, and IMHO, that's a major part of the battle against bpd.
Yeah, guess therapy would 'release" some of the emotions, and your blog sounds like a good way to monitor your thinking.

talk later.
dagwood

Hi Amanda.. I'm new here, too. What you wrote really hit home for me, it's almost my exact same story with some differences. I also came here to feel less alone and I'm realizing that this is a hard road. I recently stopped taking all of my medications because I lost my insurance, and I too couldn't stand how it made me feel. I hate how I feel sober, but I hate how I feel medicated too.. I think documenting what's going on with you is a great idea, maybe it will help you to find peace in your heart where someone has left horrible scars. It's unthinkable what people with this disorder have gone through and why anyone would put another person through this. My fiance and I too are having the same problem due to fighting constantly and he can't take it anymore, but he is trying to understand that it is a scary thing that put me here and its even more scary trying to get out of it.

p.s. there isn't any part of you that is crazy.. the human brain can only handle so much.. I try to think of it as a short circuit that just needs a little glue and a lot of love.

Nice meeting you.. It was nice to run across someone I can relate to.

Goodnight!