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 Post subject: Found myself at last
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 5:20 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2012 11:07 am
Posts: 3
Greetings to all of you

This is my first posting here and for me quite a momentous event, as at the age of 52 have been struck by the realisation that I have BPD. It explains so many things about me and my life that I know it's true even though I have no formal diagnosis. I had formal psychiatric treatment in my mid twenties after a breakdown and was fortunate to be looked after and helped by some of the kindest most skilled practitioners anywhere and given the opportunity to go through extensive group and one to one psychotherapy. This probably saved my life.

Since then I've muddled through and had a reasonably successful life-beatiful (long suffering ) wife who has stuck by me through all of my frankly unreasonable selfish and hurtful behaviour, good kids and a pretty good job. However, there is still a frozen planet that I end up being stranded on quite a lot where I suffocate in silent screams of rage and pain and isolation and self loathing-if I was better this wouldn't happen right? Now I know the answer and instantly feel a part of my identity that I never had is found. This is great news for me and a real homecoming. I told my wife of 25 years last week what I thought and she was a bit shocked but then when she thought about the patterns and ebb and flow of our relationship she could see what I see.

What amazes me is how blind I have been:) My entire life histroy is now falling into shape and I am realising why so many things happened or went wrong. Like others with BPD I had an abusive abandoned childhood involving mental illness alcholism & prison by various family members. I've always known that had an influence on me but I've finally realised how it changed me permanently and made me feel so DIFFERENT to normal members of the human race.

I almost want to shout it our in the air....on the other hand maybe I will be just a bit more discreet.....it's not exactly the happiest of labels is it? I don't suppose I want everyone in my work community or the town where I live to be knowing this fact about me.

The advantages I have are that I have been living with this condition for a long time and have in isolation being employing the kind of strategies which I see highlighted before me: I am heavily into yoga , pranayama (yoga breathing) , meditation and sport. This finally won out over my lifetime penchant for getting anihilated on weed and beer! I try to employ every trick of untwisting twisted thinking in the book.

The downside is that at my age when I am down I am down in a kind of terminal way because I've been here so many times that I feel such self hatred and contempt for not having got any better. Age and experience- a kind of double edged sword.

Anyway, good to meet you all love and best wishes.


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 Post subject: Re: Found myself at last
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 5:19 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
Posts: 421
Location: Brampton
I'm so glad you found your way here. Welcome. I look forward to learning more about you and exchanging experiences and ideas for wellness. It must be such a relief to finally know what has ailed you for so long. This site has terrific tools and homework to do to work on symptoms and impulses. Make yourself at home!

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: Found myself at last
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 9:27 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:17 pm
Posts: 21
It does feel liberating to figure out what the problem is, for sure. I was so ashamed of certain aspects of my personality and my behavior that I would either deny or suppress it. I tried so, so hard not to be like anyone in my family that certain symptoms didn't quite fit... except that they do.

Anyway, so it took awhile and many other possible explanations before I realized what it was. I wasn't diagnosed, but my old dr suggested it, in not so many words... just explaining the symptoms and that it was a personality disorder. And then he told me he couldn't help me.

But... it's good to know, it's good to understand... and it's good to see that you're not the only one out there going through this.


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 Post subject: Re: Found myself at last
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 6:18 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2012 11:07 am
Posts: 3
Cheers guys. Much appreciated.


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 Post subject: Re: Found myself at last
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:20 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
Posts: 819
Location: sarasota
welcome Quasitor!

Glad you're here


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 Post subject: Re: Found myself at last
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 5:42 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:21 am
Posts: 52
welcome Quasitor! i'm glad you are here too. I was happy when I realized that I too, was mentally ill which molded and shaped my life, especially my teens and 20's. I am 60 now. The happiness of knowing the reason for much of my behavior was short lived though. I still am left to deal with my life now which isn't as tainted with BPD as is was but still causes me problems. I hope now to have the desire to tackle this. I justify my behavior a lot because I am used to me. It's hard to think differently after so many years but it is good to have an insight into the insanity of my thinking and at least look it over and know where it's coming from. Sometimes I really want to change, other times I am just mad and want to say to hell with it all. I do know that the suggestions here help but you have to do the work. Knowing I'm sick doesn't get me well, using the tools for recovery do, if I do. It's a tough battle some days.
Anyway Quaisitor, welcome.

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Coming out of the darkness!


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 Post subject: Re: Found myself at last
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 11:09 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2012 11:07 am
Posts: 3
Thanks Mick Bur.

I have been struck almost immediately on reading posts to this forum that for many life is and always has been a struggle living with BPD. There are no easy wise words which one can offer to people-my assumption is if they have felt as disturbed and horrible as I have at various times in my life (and possibly a lot worse)-then nothing I can say will make that easier to deal with. It kind of leaves me lost for words:) Your insights and comments are very real and much appreciated.


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