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 Post subject: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 7:35 pm 
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Hi...!

I'm 30 yo female and was diagnosed with BPD six months ago. I welcomed the news as it made my actions and turbulent relationships make sense and gave me hope my life would improve. I could not have a good romantic relationship no matter how hard I tried. This had mystified everyone I know because I have lots of good close (female) friends and I'm quite successful in terms of education, career and acomplishments. I just seemed to be missing a guy. In the relationships I did have the guys I was with just didn't understand where I was coming from and I couldn't explain it. That would go on for a while until they ended the relationship and that would be where I got mean, I would just text streams of insults until I tired myself out (I actually find it really hard to be mean to somebody's face - maybe if I get rid of my cell phone my BPD will go away?!). Astonishingly a lot of the guys would try and understand where all the nastiness had come from after I had calmed down, could think clearly and had apologised profusly. More often than not they'd give me a second or even third chance, but eventually would just give up as they decided my insults had just gone too far.

I have never been proud of my behaviour. I was able to justify it quite often as I have very poor taste in guys. I always assumed if the guy had been better, if he had done more, if he was more sensitive I wouldn't react the way I do. After I was diagnosed I worked pretty hard at understanding BPD and why I did the things I did and it made sense. Three months ago I met a guy who seemed to adore me and I stopped even thinking about BPD and it never crossed my mind that he needed to know - he was a really nice guy after all who was obviously going to treat me the way I needed to be treated. The first two months were great but then the doubt about our future started to creep in. He was working hard at reassuring me and telling me he loved me but after having the same conversation with me three times and me being in tears over nothing he decided he couldn't do it. He dumped me with no warning or explanation by text, my reflex to lash out kicked in and within a matter of an hour or so had managed to convince him he was the worst boyfriend ever and I could do so much better and never wanted to see him again.

It was at that point I realised that I have BPD. It doesn't matter who I date, how nice they are, how much they love me I still have BPD. It will not go away on its own and there are things that I have no control of that might trigger it at any time. I was hoping to hear from people who are managing to keep their BPD in check and can keep a relationship alive. Does your partner know? How long after being together did you tell them? How did they react?

In fact, I would welcome hearing from anybody with BPD as I know nobody who has it. My family and friends aren't really sure how to help and don't like to talk about it particularly. I know bringing it up with them makes most of them pretty uncomfortable as they don't know what to say or how to help. If anybody out there has tales to tell on how you beat it, or how you deal with it or cope or make it better day by day please let me know.

Thanks for reading if you got this far :)


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 2:27 am 
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Hi, Im new here too. Sorry to hear that you have BPD, it is hard to live with.

This pretty much sums up my romantic relations. None have gone screaming for the hills, in fact they have done their very best to 'help' me. However this usually results in me resenting them for interferring. They can't really win. Funny but the minute i have someone, i am no longer interested. It becomes boring and dull - and I am too high going. I don't think you can hide BPD in the long term, ultimately you'll hate yourself for pretending to be someone else. The thoughts of being alone all my life fill me with fear and self pity. I read somewhere that a partner would always fail in the eyes of a BPD sufferer because they just cannot possibly live up to the standards we have. That was one of the reasons I have decided to take action now. If you dpo a google search for BPD relationships, there are pages upon pages of threads describing each and every relationship i have been in. Its also interesting to read the non BPD view for a few home truths. Interestingly, I personally wouldn't put up with anything like me, the minute they become dependant they are gone. I take no crap at all.
I split with my partner recently after i had a 'crazy', so I've had to take time out to put a lid on my issues. I have to stop ruining everyone elses life becuase of my problems. I have done some absolutely terrible things to 90% my previous partners - three have even told me that after all this time, have never had anyone love them as much as I did. I convinced myself that they deserved as much pain as possible because i loved them, and they shit all over me (the madness here is these things were actually quite little and everyday like not answering the phone, or going out with friends) I have decided to cut right back on the whole email/text thing - i mean, do i really need to answer every message? Will I die if I don't tell someone something immediately? Is it really important?
I have also kept a thought diary which sorts my thoughts into reality, funny to read all the conflicts and see that this is MY thinking, not reality. I also see how I make myself believe things are true. It helps to project all my bad into that rather than other people. I have identified some key issues that need work.
I am still working on my life before it ruins me even more, I have had mh issues since childhood, bpd diagnosed early teens. I am terrified my life will be over before I know it and I have been sick all that time. I WILL claim my life back.
I hope you manage to get treatment and some comfort in knowing that what you are doing is normal for someone with BPD, you just have to learn the skills to deal with them.
Apologies for my rambling :)


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:09 am 
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Hi Sting81,

We're here, ha,ha! Just now seeing your post.

My boyfriend knows about my bpd, and I've given him info about it to help him understand me a bit more. I feel my bpd has been fairly well conquered after a lot of hard work. IMHO, motivation is the primary factor needed to get well and stay well. Are you in any kind of therapy or on medications?

Glad you're here....lots of good people here fighting the bpd war.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:17 am 
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Hi xyz,

Welcome to you too! so glad you've found your way here...guess my message to Sting is also my message to you. Stay and look around the board. I'm here a good bit, so perhaps we can "chat"

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:18 pm 
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dagwood wrote:
Hi xyz,

Welcome to you too! so glad you've found your way here...guess my message to Sting is also my message to you. Stay and look around the board. I'm here a good bit, so perhaps we can "chat"

dagwood



Thanks Dagwood, I'd like to talk to people who share this nightmare, offer advice and empathise - and maybe learn some things from them too :)


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 2:45 pm 
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Hi, I have BPD too. It helped me to know why I acted and act the way I do. I have a hard time getting close to people. It's tough when I don't have a real grasp of who I am and what I really want. I think most of my relationships have been fake because I tend to cover up my real self. I feel so much rage inside sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows who they are? I am just 60 now and have some peace in my life. My 20's were a mess. I had panic attacks, no self esteem, did not know who I was, felt empty, alone and depressed. I drank tons to feel better but it did not cure me. It only made me feel numb for a while. I took acid once and that was a nightmare that lasted for many weeks after. I convinced myself I was dead. I hid in my room, broke all my stuff, hurt myself, had stupid one night stands that only made me feel dirty and used. I have and had no real friends. I still struggle with who I am and often feel angry, frustrated and disconnected. I take prozac, quit therapy and struggle with my wife. She doesn't understand my moods, breakdowns and anger. I often feel unreal. Today is not too bad. I hit myself yesterday to feel myself. I was feeling empty. I know there is hope but not without work. That angers me. I hate faking like all is well and I'm "normal". I wonder if LSD might help now that I'm older. It scared the hell out of me in my 20's and freaked me out for a long time. Had many flashbacks and felt like the whole world knew me except me. I think I am a good person but this BPD keeps kicking my butt and showing off my bad side. I hate hating me. It is illogical to injure me and hate me but I do.....sometimes. Try to be good to you.
I wish I would be my friend.
Mike

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Coming out of the darkness!


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 4:24 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:54 pm
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xyz wrote:
Hi, Im new here too. Sorry to hear that you have BPD, it is hard to live with.

This pretty much sums up my romantic relations. None have gone screaming for the hills, in fact they have done their very best to 'help' me. However this usually results in me resenting them for interferring. They can't really win. Funny but the minute i have someone, i am no longer interested. It becomes boring and dull - and I am too high going. I don't think you can hide BPD in the long term, ultimately you'll hate yourself for pretending to be someone else. The thoughts of being alone all my life fill me with fear and self pity. I read somewhere that a partner would always fail in the eyes of a BPD sufferer because they just cannot possibly live up to the standards we have. That was one of the reasons I have decided to take action now. If you dpo a google search for BPD relationships, there are pages upon pages of threads describing each and every relationship i have been in. Its also interesting to read the non BPD view for a few home truths. Interestingly, I personally wouldn't put up with anything like me, the minute they become dependant they are gone. I take no crap at all.
I split with my partner recently after i had a 'crazy', so I've had to take time out to put a lid on my issues. I have to stop ruining everyone elses life becuase of my problems. I have done some absolutely terrible things to 90% my previous partners - three have even told me that after all this time, have never had anyone love them as much as I did. I convinced myself that they deserved as much pain as possible because i loved them, and they shit all over me (the madness here is these things were actually quite little and everyday like not answering the phone, or going out with friends) I have decided to cut right back on the whole email/text thing - i mean, do i really need to answer every message? Will I die if I don't tell someone something immediately? Is it really important?
I have also kept a thought diary which sorts my thoughts into reality, funny to read all the conflicts and see that this is MY thinking, not reality. I also see how I make myself believe things are true. It helps to project all my bad into that rather than other people. I have identified some key issues that need work.
I am still working on my life before it ruins me even more, I have had mh issues since childhood, bpd diagnosed early teens. I am terrified my life will be over before I know it and I have been sick all that time. I WILL claim my life back.
I hope you manage to get treatment and some comfort in knowing that what you are doing is normal for someone with BPD, you just have to learn the skills to deal with them.
Apologies for my rambling :)


Hi xyz!
Thanks for getting in touch with your story - it is completely relatable. In a strange way it is a comfort to know I am not alone but still overwhelming at how much I need to accomplish and how much effort I need to put in. I think I am not far behind you in trying to regain control and if you are managing to control it then there is no excuse for me. I'm planning on returning to treatment - I cancelled a vacation so I can afford the therapy cos its something I need to do. I hope thatearing other people are working at it too will keep me motivated. Good luck!


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 4:29 pm 
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dagwood wrote:
Hi Sting81,

We're here, ha,ha! Just now seeing your post.

My boyfriend knows about my bpd, and I've given him info about it to help him understand me a bit more. I feel my bpd has been fairly well conquered after a lot of hard work. IMHO, motivation is the primary factor needed to get well and stay well. Are you in any kind of therapy or on medications?

Glad you're here....lots of good people here fighting the bpd war.

dagwood


Hi Dagwood!

Thanks for getting in touch. I tried a few therapy sessions but got distracted when the relationship was going so well. I naively thought that because he was a good guy my BPD wouldn't emerge. I now see that is not the case and plan to return to therapy for much longer term and if they have any medication will defo try it out. I think you're right - motivation is the key and I recognise I have a lot of work to do on myself before getting involved with someone else. I am happy to hear you have found somebody who is supportive and understanding - it gives me hope that my future is not as bleak as I fear.


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 5:26 pm 
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Sting,

Nope....the future is not bleak.....I think you will do just fine.

Dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:31 pm 
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Hey. New here. Never posted on anything like this. Feeling incredibly bummed out and confused. Just looking to talk and get some perspective on this whole thing...But I doubt anyone else is on here on a Saturday night lol..


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:42 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
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Welcome Jenna.

I'm glad you found us. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

Luna

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"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:17 am 
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Welcome Jenna,

So glad you're here. It is possible to have a wonderful life and wonderful people in it. Hang in there.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2012 11:09 am 
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Thank you. Have kind of been in hiberbation mode for the past couple days..anyone else get like that? I just needed some space to recollect my thoughts, also didn't want anyone to see me in one of my "moods." Feeling more hopeful today, hope everyone has a good weekend :)


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 Post subject: Re: Hello! Anyone with BPD out there...???
PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2012 11:12 am 
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Jenna,

Yep, I feel like an isolationist quite a bit, so I well understand your feelings...but
I'm so glad you're feeling more hopeful today.

dagwood


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