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 Post subject: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 7:20 am 
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Hi Everyone.

I was around as Lunachick on the EZBoard many years ago. I stopped using the boards for some inexplicable reason. I'm back because I need friendship and support.

Three years ago my best friend, mother, sister and dog passed away all in the same year and I fell into a deep depression. I spent three years in and out of the hospital until this December when I was put on Seroquel and the suicidal thoughts and deep depression lifted. I've been stable for a little over three months,now.

Still, I'm in the middle of a divorce with my husband of 19 years and I'm still very much in love with him. Our 17 year old son chose to live with him and I miss him desperately. Living alone is boring and lonely.

My brother moved across the Country about a week after I moved into my own apartment which feels like another big loss.

Loss, and how to deal with it, is why I came for support. It seems I've lost everyone. It's been a long, three year, haul of profound depression which was extremely tiring. Now that I'm recovering from the depression, the loss has settled in and the need for a community is here again. I chose here because I know Joy and I respect the integrity of this forum. I hope I can meet some new people and work on dealing with my loss in a constructive way.

Thanks for reading.

Christina


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:42 pm 
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Hi Luna,

I don't know if you remember me -- I showed up a bit when you were still around, years back. I may have still been going by Pray4Peace at that time.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time recently. I can certainly relate. A long history of recurrent depression, then 12 years ago, my father's death, a melt-down at work which effectively ended my career, divorce after 27 yrs. of marriage, the loss of my house, two separate month-long hospitalizations, 20 ECT treatments, both of my kids off at college and steering clear of me because they didn't know how to deal with my emotions, having to learn how to live on my own for the first time ever at the age of 50, my mother starting the long slide into dementia which finally took her life 3 years ago shortly after a psychotic break in which she went totally berserk, screaming and throwing stuff at my sister and her caregiver.... you get the picture.

It's been a long, slow, slog back up out of that hole, and it's still a work in progress. But I'm SO much better than I was, and I hope you'll be patient with yourself as you allow yourself to grieve your losses and work to get yourself back on some sort of an even keel. You can do it!

I'd be happy to talk to you about some of the stuff I've tried, if you're interested, but I don't want to presume that what has helped me will be helpful or appealing to you.

I'm really glad you're back, and hope you find some support. Don't give up -- you can survive all this.

Sari

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:54 am 
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Thanks so much, Sari. Our stories sound so similar. My son avoids me, too. My emotional instability for the last three years has taken a toll on him. I only see him every two weeks on our dedicated Family Dinner nights. He came by once last week, at my request, to help me with some things because I have four broken ribs right now.

I'm very sorry to hear about all you've been through but am comforted that someone understands. I really would be interested in hearing about what helped you. I'm having a terrible time learning to live on my own after 19 years of marriage. What helped you with that at age 50 after 27 years of marriage? I'm ready to work on things now that I'm more stable.

Your time and reply mean a lot to me. Thank you.

Luna

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"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:07 am 
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Welcome back Lunachick....like your name

So glad you've decided to return, but am so sorry you're going through so much right now....so much trauma in such a short time is simply devastating.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:35 am 
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Thanks so much, Dagwood. I feel very overwhelmed. I'm trying to cope with so many losses and manage my illness at the same time. The Seroquel has gotten me out of the woods but now I need to grieve and do some work on myself. Three years of major depression creates some bad habits and thought patterns. I have a big hole to climb out of. The divorce and living alone after having lost so many people is really hurting me. I feel completely abandoned which is why I reached out here. Thanks for understanding the depth of what I'm going through. Your words mean a lot to me.

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:49 am 
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Have you considered a bereavement group to help you deal with the recent losses in your life. I went twice after the deaths of my parents. It was extremely helpful and might ease your pain a bit....it was almost like a group therapy where people gave support and shared their experiences. In my area Hospice provides this service to people. I had hospice for my father for the last few weeks of his life at home; they took care of any medical needs he had...something I'll always be glad we had access to.

I think it's important to "properly" deal with losses as sometimes the pain can come back and knock us down even when we think we have accepted the deaths. My thoughts are with you.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:40 am 
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I'm looking for a phone grief therapist. I don't do well leaving the apartment. My anxiety holds me back from a lot of things. It's a paradox. I'm lonely but I have social anxiety. My former husband's Employee Assistance Program has phone therapists. It's just a matter of me taking advantage of it.

For three years all I could do was survive. Now I have so much work to do it's overwhelming and I don't know where to start. I'm still stuck in the same patterns and thought processes I've had for those three years. I still nap everyday...now to avoid being lonely instead of getting a break from the crushing depression. I still hibernate in my apartment as a result of my uncontrolled anxiety. I have so much going on it all just swirls in my head and I wind up doing nothing.

I'm still in the divorce process and that's killing me. I love him so much. I love and miss my son so much. I resent my husband for not waiting to divorce me until our son went off to University this coming September so I could have spent his last year at home with him. I miss my brother now that he lives across the Country.

You can see how scattered my thoughts are in this post. I don't know which one to grab onto and work on first. When I lost my best friend, mother, sister and dog in the same year, I couldn't figure out how to grieve. If I'd had more time in between to grieve them each separately it would have been easier for me.

Sorry to ramble on so much. I used to run a BPD EZBoard called Without Borders and I really had it together. One would think that I would be able to navigate this jungle with the best of them. Truth is, I'm so lost right now. I don't know how to take control of my life again or how to learn to live by myself. I'm grateful that the deep depression and suicidal thoughts have abated. I've taken time to breathe and take that in but now the rest of the journey to wellness is on me and I don't even know where the road begins. All I know is I have a lot of work to do. Your suggestion to help for the grief is much appreciated. I think I'll make the call today. Gotta start somewhere and do something instead of nothing. Thanks for your reply.

Luna :)

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"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:12 am 
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((((((((Luna)))))))))))


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:32 am 
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Luna,

Without Borders sounds very familiar to me.....when did you have this site

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
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I had Without Borders about 8 - 10 years ago. Thanks for the hug!

(((((((((HUG BACK)))))))))))))

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"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 2:05 pm 
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thanks for the hug! Ok, Think that is the site I'm thinking of....time is right.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 4:00 pm 
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big hugs to you all on this thread...sorry for everyone's losses. hopefully there's no place to go but up <3


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 Post subject: Re: It's been a long time
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 6:35 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
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Thanks Sillychick,

I think, with the help of this board, I am making progress. Glad you're here!

Luna

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"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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