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 Post subject: Hello - Next steps
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 5:57 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2012 5:11 pm
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Hello. Thank you for this forum. I have been reading for some weeks, and very happy to find a resource like this. I am hoping to advance my recovery, so thank you for taking the time to offer your insights.

I am 42 y/o male, gay, self-diagnosed. I diagnosed myself some years ago, as I flipped through a psychology book hoping to explain the instability I have experienced - and there it was - a list of symptoms that read like bullet points of my life. This was ten years ago. Since then, I have been in therapy just a bit - total of two years over the last five or six , and I've done a lot of self directed healing. After experiencing some severe instability in my 20's and early 30's, I have been relatively stable for the last 5 years or so. I'm quite proud of the progress I have made. I have been in a wonderful and mostly stable relationship for the last 4 years, but my "thing", as I call it, is starting to wear on him. I am not "out" with him about BPD, although he knows that I am dealing with some childhood issues. (He has a bunch of issues, too, btw, but that's for him to write about.) Today he texted me that he "feels like he has to tip toe around" me, and that he can't be himself when he's with me. He said he wants to take some time off of the relationship. The reason I'm writing this soap opera, is that I am feeling a lot of panic and frustration and I want to accelerate my recovery. I'm really quite sick of it, and hearing that my partner is having to "tiptoe around" is a glaring reminder that I have a long way to go. I have found it difficult to seek out proper help for some reason - either I am not seeking it properly, or I have been derailed from it. When I sought help in my 20's, I found the medical community to be dismissive. My recent therapist tried to talk me out of my diagnosis for the first year of our work together. I basically insisted that she hear me out, and I guess I convinced her, but the treatment didn't take much of turn to the specific. I just don't know exactly what to do next. It is such a frustration to want recovery so badly, to want to stop hurting and frustrating others I love, and to be willing to do anything to make it right, and yet to feel so stuck in it. I live in New York City, btw. I'm sure there are excellent resources here. Perhaps something in me is reluctant to really commit to full course of treatment. But I must.

Thank you for allowing this ramble. I welcome any insight or advice.

Thank you!


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 Post subject: Re: Hello - Next steps
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
Posts: 819
Location: sarasota
Hi tkak69,

So glad you are here! You seem to have a lot of motivation and insight, and believe me, that is very important in recovering from bpd.

Why does he feel like he needs to "tiptoe" around you. Does he know that you think you have bpd and has read things about the condition or is your behavior indicative of some sort of dysfunction.

Hope you stay around.....this is a good place.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Hello - Next steps
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 7:31 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
Posts: 421
Location: Brampton
Hi tkak69,

You seem to have been able to manage your illness on your own quite well for many years. That's no small feat and you should feel good about it. I would take advantage of your location to get some really good professional help at this time. Your partner wants a break and you can use it to really focus on healing yourself and your childhood. You have wonderful insight which will only help the process. I also encourage you to do the "Homework" posted in these forums.

I'm very glad to meet you and that you found the board.

Luna

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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