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 Post subject: New and scared
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:12 pm 
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I think I have BPD. I have not been diagnosed "officially" yet...after reading post after post here as well as online resources and information, I feel like I could have written everything myself. It fits how I feel to a "t". I have always felt that I am "broken" and cannot be fixed. I am extremely self destructive, can't control my anger, have paranoid thoughts and even when things logically point to something, my warped thinking has me convinced the person/thing/situation is wrong and I'm being lied to. I am in constant fear that my husband will leave me. We have had infedelilty issues in the past (both of us) and have been in recovery for 5 years now. I don't think I have ever dealt with WHY I cheated and the deep emotional reason behind it, I have only been playing the victim since in my mind, my husband wronged me and I hold such horrible grudges.

I guess what brought me here, is last week I had such a bad episode. I went full tailspin freaking out thinking he was cheating on me again. There is no reason to mistrust him and only decided to check his email and chat records due to him casually mentioning a female co-worker. That slight mention made my mind go into crazy "what-if" senarios and then I went to "protect" mode. As in - how dare he cheat on me again, I need to put an end to this right now!!!! No matter what!!!. So angry. So hurt. Reliving so much pain and emotion as when I originally found out he cheated 5 years ago. It was like it was happening again. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't control it. I was shaking, crying, pacing, hyperventalating. I kept telling myself nothing was going on and to quit freaking out. That made it worse. It was like my rational side was fighting with my emotions...and my emotions won that day.

It has been eye opening to say the least. After talking to my husband and finally realizing I overreacted, I decided to find out what is really wrong with me. Why do I act this way? I have always been like this as long as I can remember. My issues are not as bad as when I was younger, but they are still there. I value my marriage and do not want to push my husband away. I know I still do it and I want help. I hate this fear of abandonment...but if I don't quit being jealous and overprotective, I will lose him, just like I have lost everyone I have truely loved in my life :(


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:33 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
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Welcome vi_bride04,

Welcome.....so glad you've found us. Have you been in any kind of therapy or on any meds? Your post sounds very much like my experiences and that of some others here.


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 9:12 am 
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No. I am currently under no medications or therapy for my emotional issues. I am trying to find a therapist though, b/c the episode last week has made me an emotional wreck for an entire week. I have cried every day and am under a lot of stress and feel extremely overwhelmed for no reason.

I have read that it is hard to find a therapist to even treat someone who is BPD?? B/c it takes so many years and work to "fix" things...is this true? It makes me feel hopeless and that I may not ever get away from this fear that isn't real...


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 11:30 am 
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bride,

I haven't been in therapy for many years, but I do know that no matter what the diagnosis is the patient needs a lot of motivation and determination. It sounds to me as though you've got both. What kinds of resources do you have available where you live that could help?

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 11:48 am 
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vi_bride04, first of all Welcome!

I understand your fears as a newly diagnosed person. I've hit a rough patch with my own illness lately and have learned a bit from it. Medication can help. It helps me. It doesn't do the whole job, though. It takes effort and motivation to consciously change your life and your thinking. For me, getting motivated was very slow coming and it left me stagnating in every way for months. Seriously, I ate Pizza Pops because I couldn't be bothered to cook for 5 months! Every night for 5 months! I showered once a week or two and it was a chore. I dreaded leaving the apartment. I was empty. Almost a dead woman going through the minimal motions.

Things are changing for me now because I've been jogged out of my rut by my two loving brothers and set on a track that makes me feel confident and motivated. Today, I TREATED myself to a relaxing bath because I WANTED to! When I go grocery shopping this weekend, my cart will be filled with healthy and delicious choices. I've made a menu for the week and can't wait to eat a variety of good food even though it will take some time and effort to prepare. I left the house today and went to see my lawyer without the usual anxiety.

Making the move to dedicate yourself to recovery can take time. No one here will judge you for your pain, issues, fears, journey to recovery. No one here judged me when I was in a stalemate. The people here are endlessly supportive and caring. I'm so happy you found BPDR. It will, no doubt, play a positive role in your life.

Keep talking. We're here.

Luna

_________________
"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 2:25 pm 
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Hi Bride,

Welcome to the forum. :)

Trust issues can be incredibly difficult and painful for people with BPD... I have both cheated, and been cheated on as well, and I know how hard it is to try to repair the relationship... especially when low self esteem is involved. On the bright side, it sounds like you are on the right path for trying to improve yourself, which can only help.

I think that finding a therapist would definitely be a good idea. It's really hard to find a good match, but it is so beneficial once you do.

Mask


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 Post subject: Re: New and scared
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:54 pm 
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hey there,
First of all welcome onboard :)

while finding a therapist can be challenge, recovery is also a self-enhancement thingy. So do check out the tools and learn to apply them in your life. Get some books on Bpd and start working on your recovery.


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