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 Post subject: I need to be around people who understand, even if online
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2012 4:53 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 23, 2012 4:21 pm
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I have BPD, and I am losing all my friends and family because of it. I will likely lose my job again too. I don't know what to do.
My so-called loved ones ask me whats wrong, then they yell at me, and tell me to get a grip. They see me as a good-looking succesful male, so they wonder what my problem is. I look fine on the outside, and I have no one to turn to, for fixing the feelings inside.

I feel hopeless, and like there is no point in living any longer, as I only imagine it getting worse as I age, and my body and my mind weaken. I am mellow right now, but I could snap at any moment. I have already snapped on someone today, and generally I snap on everyone, all the time.

I want people around me, and I want to be friendly, but when they come around me, I get super annoyed by all their habits, and ways. Although I'm glad to see them, I cannot get past their idiosyncrasies. They can tell. I get so mad that I shake violently, and cannot speak properly. Then I start yelling. Then I have to storm away before I kill someone.

The thing is, that EVERYTHING triggers my rage, and now people are avoiding me. Not to mention, I'm single, and lonely, and my longest relationship ever has been 11 months long. I'm 35, no kids, no wife, and a bleak outlook for both, moving forward. I have only recently discovered I had BPD, but now looking back on all the friends that have ditched me, I realize why. I guess I have always had BPD, and I have always seemed like I didn't care about their feelings. They don't realize I would have died for each of them. But my comments, and angry behaviour suggest otherwise and I cannot turn it off.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this, but it feels good to get it off my chest. I am going to go through some posts, and do whatever homework I see, and take it from there. I am glad there is a site like this where one can go to chat with people who understand.

I saw a movie called "Expired", and I'm pretty much the same as the guy in that movie. I was able to see how his attitude affected people, even after he had left. When he left his girlfriends house, she started crying. He didn't even notice she was upset. I wonder how many times I've left people in the same state...I want to change. I feel like dying, but I don't want to feel this way. Perhaps I read too much Dostoevsky as a youth...my life is now bleak like one of his novels. Help and support much appreciated.


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 Post subject: Re: I need to be around people who understand, even if online
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 2:18 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1613
Location: The Carolinas
Hi GoneFishing and welcome! I apologize for the delay in approving your posts. You won't need approval again, so your posts won't be delayed.

I can relate to your post, but one thing in particular stood out.
Quote:
I want people around me, and I want to be friendly, but when they come around me, I get super annoyed by all their habits, and ways. Although I'm glad to see them, I cannot get past their idiosyncrasies.

I don't know if this is something related to the BPD or just to my personality in general, but I definitely relate.

Welcome and I hope you find the some of the support you need here.

_________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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 Post subject: Re: I need to be around people who understand, even if online
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 2:53 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey there gonefishing

first of all welcome onboard

you know, it's not too late to fix your life. do you have mood swings or struggle with depression? coz if your answer to that is a yes, then probably some medication might be helpful though they don't solve all the problems

yupz, recovery is very possible. hope to see you around more often!


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