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 Post subject: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:19 am 
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Greetings All,

I'm a 30 year old male from NY that has been diagnosed with BPD in the past 3 months. I have a parent whose family history is riddled with mental illness.

I guess I can be considered a "high-functioning" BPD person, but at times I contemplate going off the deep end and hospitalizing myself.

I find that distractions are my only anecdote and if I'm not immersed in something that commands my every attention I am wallowing in loneliness, reviewing mistakes in recent break-ups, or feeling completely overwhelmed with a sense of emptiness.

Recently, I've been debating a parent who is blaming this all on a chaotic childhood or nagging me to look at over diagnosis such as Cyclothymia, BP-II, and now Complex-PTSD.

It is quite frustrating that one of the few people who know what's going on don't just support the diagnosis and accept the amount of pain I feel on a daily basis. I say that, because for 30 years I've never externalized how I've felt. I have coped through distractions:

-Drinking to excess
-Being "over the top" in my stunts/humor (most likely to gain acceptance and notoriety for my humor)
-Being a serial dater
-Always needing to do something to find the approval of others

Now that my behaviors have a framework to see them through I've been more open and my family is quite shocked and depressed at how I've felt my whole life.

To boot, my younger sibling has been battling deep depression, and most likely underlying mental issues (bi-polar or borderline, yet to have been diagnosed formerly). He's even spent a week in a mental institute after a manic fit and discussions of feeling like dying (seen as threats of suicide).

There isn't a day that goes by where I am not thinking about my condition and feel that nothing will ever work. No medicine is on the market, CBT seems pretty crappy compared to these feelings. I've tried keeping a journal/log, I create distractions for myself, etc.

I'd love to:

-Feel like I know who I am without the context of others (of their approval)
-Stop saying and doing ludicrous things when drinking/blacked out (verbally abusing women who refuse to 'make me feel like a whole person')
-Be secure knowing my past relationship didn't workout and that I don't need to win her back or feel like an empty pile of garbage
-Take criticism from coworkers, friends, family, and lovers without feeling like someone is really just saying that i'm a piece of garbage
-Be ok with being alone, in any context, for any duration, without feeling the need to call a woman up
-Understand that if a friend isn't available or doesn't call me in a few weeks that life happens and it isn't necessarily a reflection on my character
-Know that one day this will rectify itself and I will eventually meet a wonderful woman and be an amazing father and husband, a goal of which has been mine since 3rd grade (probably bore out of my BPD mindset)

Thanks for listening,

Jay


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 10:50 am 
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Hi Jay,

I'm so glad you're here. Your story sounds very familiar...probably most of us here can identify with what you've been going through. You're safe here so please talk about your feelings. Try not to get too caught up in a diagnosis...it's your thoughts, feelings and actions that you need to work on. Welcome.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 6:52 am 
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Hello Jay,
Just want to say hello and welcome.

I really struggled with life until I met my wife and I felt a purpose and meaning.

But even when I found this I stilll ran into problems even to the point where my marriage almost ended.
I was not diagnosed till I was 42 and my children almost all grown up. I have also done the heavy drinking...but gave up about two and a half years ago after gradually decreasing the amounts over a few years. I feel better without it. Its not easy going out sober...but I can do it now without too much difficulty.

Sometimes I think a lot of our
problems stem from emptiness...finding it difficult to feel meaning in anything. Drinking used to fill a lot of my emptiness....but made me feel shit the next day.

Now that you have been diagnosed...have you been offered treatment?

Mind yourself,


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:53 pm 
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Hi Jay.
I'm pretty much sitting where you are now.
There is a therapy called DPT that's been helping me, and another one called "open focus".

Just know that you're much stronger than you think. It takes great courage to open up to others and to let them in, to see "you".

I've told family and friends and many of them have chosen to never speak to me again because they don't believe me, and feel like I'm being overly dramatic about my situation.

I hope that you can find comfort with similar people here.
Welcome.

_________________
“Success means doing the best we can with what we have. Success is the doing, not the getting; in the trying, not the triumph. Success is a personal standard, reaching for the highest that is in us, becoming all that we can be.”

-Zig Ziglar


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 10:24 pm 
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I greatly appreciate all the responses!

I've had a family "break through" recently with my sibling and parents.

Although there is a history of mental illness on one parent side, there is a lot of repressed memories I have of witnessing domestic violence.

Curious if anyone has explored complex-PTSD as a framework for understanding your current condition?

It looks similar to what BPD is, but is being seen from the perspective of repeated trauma's as a child, which I would think would lead one down a completely different path in treatment.

I've had no luck thus far with CBT and talking about my present issues.

Maybe exploring C-PTSD and revisiting my childhood may yield better results in seeing how I react in current situations.

Maybe this is why so many BPD sufferers find it hard to cope: misdiagnosis?


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:33 pm 
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I'm a bit late, but welcome, Jay!


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:39 pm 
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Thanks Mask :)

Anyone have thoughts on BPD vs. C-PTSD?


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:08 am 
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I'm wondering if it really matters what your diagnosis is....it's how you handle your feelings and behaviors that is causing problems. It's how you 'move forward in your life now that is important....not necessarily what the root cause is, IMHO.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 6:19 pm 
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MayerMraz1981 wrote:


Maybe exploring C-PTSD and revisiting my childhood may yield better results in seeing how I react in current situations.



Jay, first of all, welcome onboard :)

Since you think this (exploring your childhood traumas) might work out, why don't you try it out? But i would advise you to get a good therapist instead of trying it out by yourself. Do you think it's possible to get a good therapist to revisit your childhood with you?


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 7:47 pm 
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Thanks,

Yes i have had a therapist for almost 3 years. I met primarily to discuss relationship issues and why they were not working out, in addition to destructive behaviors.

I think we spent at total of 2-3 sessions on childhood as I had suppressed a lot of information and felt it wasn't valuable to explore since I was always used to "guarding the secret."

I think I should bring it up with him again considering being diagnosed with BPD has not changed anything in my life, and it just keeps getting worse @ 30.


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 8:00 pm 
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Hi Jay and welcome... Just a word of caution on the exploration of childhood memories. Let your therapist guide you and help you take the steps gradually. Sometimes the floodgates open and bring immediate relief, but it could also be overwhelming if you are not adequately prepared. Therapy is a long and slow process for bpd. Hang in there!

~ Christina


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 Post subject: Re: Diagnosis & Battle
PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 3:26 pm 
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Hi Jay

Welcome :)


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