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 Post subject: Newby
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 4:08 pm 
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Hi I'm AlwaysHopeful2

I've been dating a chap with BPD for the last year. Let's just say its been a roller coaster ride. I'm here looking for support and guidance I guess on how to help the man I love....


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 6:15 pm 
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hi AlwaysHopeful2
welcome onboard :)

few questions, vital ones. Is the man you love in therapy? coz without therapy (whether it's self therapy or therapy with a therapist), it's difficult to heal.

encourage him to commit to therapy, especially DBT (which has proven to be a success for folks with bpd)...

let us know how things go ya


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 4:29 pm 
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No unfortunately he's not. He has had done sort of counselling previously but not since I've known him. I am a Christian so do lots of praying. He has Narsassistic qualities too. It's the lies I find most difficult to deal with. I try and love him unconditionally but it's difficult not letting him disrespect me.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 10:08 am 
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hey there AlwaysHopeful2

i'm a christian too :)

sista, you need to encourage him to commit to therapy.

and one more thing you need to do is to set clear boundaries with him. IT's your way of loving him and loving yourself. SEt clear boundaries with clear consequences.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 7:08 pm 
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Yes. I love myself. I have boundaries. Maybe they need to be tougher. It's so complex. The slightest thing can send him into panic mode. He once said love me as I am or leave me. He's convinced deep down I will eventually. It's like a vicious circle.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:30 am 
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yupz, it is a vicious cycle. bpd folks think in black and white. They also expect people to leave them and abandon them.

is there any way to convince him to commit to therapy? or maybe you could encourage him to come onto this site and make friends with us.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:16 pm 
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Ah, now that's a grand idea! :-)


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 1:16 am 
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what's a grand idea, christina?


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:03 pm 
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He's struggling to function even on a day to day basis at present. There is no way he'd commit. He was abandoned at 3yr old by his mother and his father was mentally and physically abusive. He was also brought up as a strict Mormon which is all consuming but he left the Latter Day Saint church 5yr ago. He is clearly suffering with anxiety and depression at the minute but won't seek help or medication for that either which is adding to his problems. His finances are in a complete mess and his business is struggling. His 3 children love him dearly but don't respect or trust him as a result of not understanding his illness. They have all freely admitted that they are frightened to get attached to me because all the other (around 10 in 10 year) women have gone.

He has such low self esteem, self loathing in fact. His emotions are confusing and fluctuate hourly. Some small comment or situation can throw things off balance very quickly. He constantly strives for perfection and despises himself when he inevitably runs out of steam and fails.

In a one year period he has ended our relationship 5 times. He always comes back when his mood has lifted. It's a good job I have Jesus to talk to !! It's like he thinks he's not good enough and doesn't deserve me. The guilt sets in then about how he's treated me and compounds his negative feelings. I feel so helpless. I have chosen to stay and love him. It is VERY hard.....I'm not complaining though I'm just being honest.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:09 pm 
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oh.....and thank goodness I found this site because I felt like I was going out of my mind !!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 5:38 pm 
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I was thinking it would be a good idea to try to get him on the website for some support and encouragement. It might be less intimidating initially than committing to go to a therapist. Plus, since finances are a concern, there is always the fact that this is FREE and available 24/7. Believe it or not, AlwaysHopeful2, none of the things you are writing about are that far out there for someone with bpd. I'm glad you found us!
~ Christina


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 8:25 am 
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I will try my best...as always but I don't like forcing or controlling it has to come from him. He's a free man.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 9:00 am 
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AlwaysHopeful2 wrote:
He has such low self esteem, self loathing in fact. His emotions are confusing and fluctuate hourly. Some small comment or situation can throw things off balance very quickly. He constantly strives for perfection and despises himself when he inevitably runs out of steam and fails.

In a one year period he has ended our relationship 5 times. He always comes back when his mood has lifted. It's a good job I have Jesus to talk to !! It's like he thinks he's not good enough and doesn't deserve me. The guilt sets in then about how he's treated me and compounds his negative feelings. I feel so helpless. I have chosen to stay and love him. It is VERY hard.....I'm not complaining though I'm just being honest.


AlwaysHopeful2 dear,
it sounds so typical of folks with bpd - the description you wrote of your boyfriend up there. Us folks with bpd, we struggle (we have difficulty accepting) that people can even love us....

it does sound like medication can help him to function...

anyway, try suggesting to him to come to this site first, make friends with some of us here, and then we'll see how things go from there...

btw, does he himself know that he has bpd?


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 10:47 am 
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He has now ended our relationship again so I can't do much at all!! He will probably be back....who knows


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 3:20 pm 
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Oh dear, sorry to hear that. Hang in there...

~ Christina


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 2:52 pm 
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Well he came this morning and acted like nothing had happened. Why am I surprised??!! I need to not take what he says personally or literally. It's a steep learning curse. I have made an informed choice to see this through. I love him.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:14 am 
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AlwaysHopeful2
did u mean curSe or curVe? haha


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:05 am 
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V !!! Lol


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 2:05 am 
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AlwaysHopeful2, inspired by you, this is my first post (introductions later..); you said: “It's like he thinks he's not good enough and doesn't deserve me. The guilt sets in then about how he's treated me and compounds his negative feelings. I feel so helpless. I have chosen to stay and love him. It is VERY hard.....I'm not complaining though I'm just being honest.”

Replace your ‘he’s’ for ‘she’s’ and you’ve described my recent adventure. Now one could search the following quote and find the discussion (very good, describing the difference between narcissistic and BPD) but I found the it heart-filling. I’m in love with a BPD woman (more later), but the following would answer the questions and doubts friends & family have over my continuing desire to be with her. Here it is:

“For all those out there dating people with BPD, don't run. They need you more then they will ever let you know. The only thing you really need, in abundance, is patients. It can work, if you really want it too. You have to want it really bad. I love my partner and I have to work on our relationship and my patients every day. I will do it forever if I have to [because] I love my partner. Just read, learn and be patient. You can't heal them, but you can hold them as they cry. Your biggest strength is your love.”

Simple and heart-felt, and as mentioned, mirroring my feelings exactly. I hope things work for you. A recent discussion with an old friend had him telling me that "the right relationship is effortless." Initially, that hurt. Discussing his statement with my mate (BP love), I described the feelings I have as ‘worth the effort,’ and that there are things worth working for. She loves me, too.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 7:55 am 
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Hi AlwaysHopeful2! Thank you for so much insight on what it's like to not be on the flipside. Hello everyone! I am BPD and I'm sick and tired of my illness runnin me. It's what it feels like. in my relationship with my husband, my tendancies have left me with threats and much more negative outcomes. We're finally to the point of seeking professional help in marital therapy. I thank God! I believe this website is an answer to prayers. The counselors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center told me, "you didn't do this to yourself, it was done to you - but its up to you to fix it." The only thing is its ongoing. I stopped cutting and being suicidal at one point, but that's not all. This illness is very persistant and my awareness comes & goes. I need help besides just talking with my therapist every other week. I need recovery. Thank you for allowing me to join this community. Please, I am welcome to suggestions - what can I do to help myself get better?


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 2:28 am 
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outside
i'm inspired by people like you, and AlwaysHopeful2.

i wish my mentor was more like you guys. but no, she 'abandoned' me. ASked me not to contact her at all, supposedly for only one year. But one year has passed and still there is no contact from her at all.

i have two good friends, who have 'left' me as well. They simply refuse to answer my text messages or my calls. One, when confronted face to face, could even tell me it doesn't matter whether she answers my calls. LIke, don't they know it hurts me?????

well, that's my story.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 11:46 am 
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Meremortal,

I’ve had repeated advice from family and friends to leave my love. Actually, I can understand why – instead of describing her amazingly wonderful attributes, I find myself coming to them only when there’s a problem… So all they hear about are the problems. Some friends speak as though they’d give up and move on fast! That’s not me, I look deeper and get into things for the long haul, or not at all. When more turns me off than on, maybe I’ll have had enough, until then – I’ll take the entire package.

And do good friends leave? If so, were they that ‘good’ to begin with? It appears this affliction tends to have folks ‘caring too much’ about what others think of them. If you put too much value in what anyone thinks of you, they’re bound to disappoint. I’ve said that ‘I don’t care what anyone says behind my back – it’s what they say to my face that counts.’ And I never depend too heavily on friends, nor entirely take their advice.

It’s hard to suggest you believe more in yourself, thus become the mentor for another, but a little trick I play on myself is to go into “Parent mode.” Don’t know if you’ve got kids, if not, pretend you’re caring for someone else’s: Though I’ll oven discount my own thoughts regarding my needs or concerns – when giving advice to my kids, it’s always a notch above. It’s like there’s a clarity of thought when it comes to the lives of young ones that’s occasionally murky when dealing with myself. So I’ll pretend the ‘advice’ I’m giving to myself is for my kids... and it’s amazing how sound it is, in comparison what I’d consider for ‘just’ myself.

Don’t actually know where I’m going here… just some observations intended to help. Value yourself like you would a child. Rely on the best of your own decisions first – before turning to friends or family. Trust that you have your own best interest at heart and stand up to the crap the world tosses at you. Not everyone’s out to ‘get you,’ but we humans are simply the top of a very aggressive heap and inherently competitive. Human nature appears skewed toward competition, if anyone can throw you off, just a bit - it might just give them the edge to ‘survive.’ Don’t hold that instinct against them... they just haven’t mastered the ability to turn it off or tone it down.

Hang in there, we’re always learning ;)


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 7:08 pm 
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Outside wrote:
Human nature appears skewed toward competition, if anyone can throw you off, just a bit - it might just give them the edge to ‘survive.’ Don’t hold that instinct against them... they just haven’t mastered the ability to turn it off or tone it down.

Hang in there, we’re always learning ;)

what do you mean by that, outside? :)


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 2:27 pm 
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BPD suffers appear to take all people as overly judgmental, even hostile. It’s not as bad as that and I’d suggest you not allow yourself to be traumatized by the worst of humanity. But, as humans, we remain competitive. Just don’t take all ‘natural competitiveness’ as hostile when it’s more likely undisciplined instinct.

Much takes me back to grade school, as office politics’ is only a bit more refined. Human nature is to trip-up the competition, thus giving the ‘tripper’ an edge - it makes them feel more secure as you struggle to find your balance. The best overcome this urge; those are the folks you strive to meet. The others will always be around, just learn to wade through them…


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 2:06 pm 
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It's a fine line between being supportive and enabling or being codependent. It's so complex. The 12 step programme is very helpful and also a personal relationship with Jesus is a life saver !!


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