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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 4:42 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 12:30 am
Posts: 26
It's a fine line between being supportive and enabling or being codependent. It's so complex.

It truly is, and after reading (a lot) elsewhere about folks like ‘us’ (copy – pasting – reading – rereading – gaining hope – losing hope) …and only being the BF at this point … and currently ‘on the outs’ …is it worth it? If we lived several times, perhaps. But ‘born once,’ I’m not sure if I’m willing to toss what life I’ve left gambling there’s a happy ending here.

The problem appears that so much is up to ‘them.’ We’ll bust our butts, hand over our resources and jump through multiple hoops - but equal effort has to come from the other 'partner.' Problem appears, in such a confused state, they don’t know which way to turn. I feel like Schwarzenegger in The Terminator -- reaching with extended arm while saying - “Come vith me if you vant to live!” ~ as she desperately tries to determine if I’m trustworthy… Well, I am, and I’m still willing to help -- but when/ if I get pushed far enough away …I may just stay there.

I feel your pain ~


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:19 am 
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Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 4:02 pm
Posts: 43
I'm not very articulate. You seem to put into words how I feel. Thank you. The fact remains that I love him. Other people seem NOTHING in comparison.


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 Post subject: Re: Newby
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:39 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 12:30 am
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The fact remains that I love him. Other people seem NOTHING in comparison.

You know. There’s a definite allure in some of that behavior … it stands out beyond most. I’ve seen it described as ‘child like.’ Maybe it takes us back to our youth? I find my own maturity and upbringing compliments her impulsive edginess. It seems she brings out a spontaneity in me - as I help throttle her back. It had been decades since a friend said something like, “Let’s go watch the sunset over the ocean!” …with said ocean around a hundred miles away …and the sun headed down. I don’t know about you, but that behavior, on many levels - sparks something I’ve not noticed in others.

I had my chance with another; while on the outs with her, I was innocently (in my eyes) invited to dinner with a female friend. We spent the evening drinking wine and comparing lives, which, on paper, matched up quite well. Well, current GF got wind of that and freaked out. I’ll never forget one of her text telling me to “F…” off! Actually, it’s the same type of ‘friendship’ with the opposite gender she’d insisted on maintaining (on her part) early in our relationship. After that, and several weeks palling around with this new friend, I knowingly blew it when I told her I missed the other (current gf).. Any romance cooled, actually bringing me to see a strange and different side to her, as I contacted and got back with my current GF …and she insisted we seek couples counseling, and did.

The counseling was interesting, if unproductive. I’d not made the BPD connection yet so sat there ‘defending’ myself in the multitude of petty (if forced) mix-ups I’d experienced with her. She’d cleverly shift the focus away for herself, all the time brilliantly playing the role of ‘normal.’ Yes, high functioning. I do feel our counselor saw through some of it, as I sat there freely spilling my guts in comparison to her very careful and guarded responses. And it wasn’t until the last session that I’d ‘discovered’ on my own the BP connection.

My GF was quite satisfied we’d ‘made it’ as we waited to be seen for the last time. I let her know, as I had before, that to really get to the crux of our problems would require serious individual work that hadn’t been touched. She agreed, though after the session ended our therapist joked about getting invited to our wedding… As my insurance had paid for these sessions, I e-mailed the therapist (not expecting or requesting a response) my ‘discovery’ of BPD, and that I may return on my own with regard to it.

We had some tough discussions though, worse as we rode home afterwards …for which we began driving separately… I kept wanting to ‘get my money and efforts worth’ out of it by opening up in every way. She, my GF, would keep things very narrowly focused and remain as quiet as possible. I couldn’t help but feel I was the one who looked pretty messed up and confused – hell, had an audience voted – I’d have likely been the one assumed to be most troubled. In other words, we got nowhere. But, after all I’ve learned since, my feelings mirror those in our situation. We’re quiet healthy …if only in love with partners who have an extremely difficult if not impossible time accepting that. Onward ~


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