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 Post subject: Hi
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:59 pm 
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I have not been diagnosed, but do have an appointement with a phychiatrist iin the coming weeks to perhaps seek one. I fit the quiet borderline description like a key in a lock. Im a mess, a complete mess.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 8:09 pm 
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I'm a mess too. :(

welcome and good luck. I'm new to all this. my BPD has been at its peak for 3-4 years now.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 5:52 am 
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I have been a complete mess at times....but things DID improve when I got help

I still struggle and I dont know if I will ever be completely the way I would like to be...But I am DEFINITELY in a better place than I was before I got the right help...

Look after yourselves


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 7:09 pm 
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hey there Lillprplkrokus
just wanted to say welcome onboard ;)

hope to see you more often on this forum ya :)



blessings,
angela


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2012 2:35 pm 
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Hi Lill,

I'm pretty good at being a mess myself. Keep us posted on how your appointment goes. :)

Mask


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2012 12:10 pm 
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Thank you for the encouragement

I have been looking back,,,at the patterns,,,ive always been fascinated by patterns. Its impossible to not see them in mylife though.

I read the list if feelings and realized something, i could identify with 20+ negative feelings but maybe 2 positive,,,at this moment;)

Ok this has been on my mind lately and i need to put it down,,,i hope thats ok
When i was 5 my moms best friend shot herself,,,my family being open and honest told me what happened. I remember being shocked,,,it had never occured to me a person could do such a thing. In high school my friends bf died the same way, then another friend, then another until there were 12 of them. This was not the chilhood trauma that caused my bpd( at least i dont think) this was additional to that trauma. Needless to say the trust issues are debilitating.
I look at people and automatically try to gage just how far from the edge they are so i know just how fast I have to run. I keep very few friends. I used to have more but see myself slowly backing away from everyone.
My app is on oct 5 with the physc. Im scared.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2012 4:16 pm 
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The previous post was this morning,,,,ran out to do errands and saw my ex with a new woman. We havent seen each other in months but still communicate. He sent me an email this morning. Saying sorry about being in limbo, wanting to be there for me if i need him, and something about timing. I have been trying to get over him for months,,,he always trys to keep things open, wont say we are done, wont say he doesnt love me, says he cant love me now the way i need. Ive asked him to speak plainly for me as its difficult to read between those particular lines.

I saw him and my chest exploded,,,first searing white pain,,,now it has subsided to a dull throb,,,until i think of it then the pain ramps up. I thought i loved him,,,now he will probably cease to exist in my world. It seems to be a defence mechanism because i could not endure this very long. Its been 30 yrs simce i last cut myself. Im in no danger of that. Ive learned it will pass. But i erase them,,,the ones that scare me. Its not intentional.

Its just this is the first time i actually understand what is happening to me. He said it wasnt what i thought,,,and i realized that was irrrelevant to me, the percieved threat is all it takes. The pain is Un f#€%^ing real. So im triggered and aware...for the first time.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2012 10:09 pm 
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I read the four agreements many years ago, it may have been the most helpful book I have ever read. For me not taking anything personally,,,was a huge help. Ive found some help in buddism, anything really that promotes a grounded core. Echart's book was good too, but tough to read. Ive have been on a quest for an answer/peace for a long time. I am good with people, i dont lie anymore, i dont rage(not outwardly at least). Im not even that good at giving someone the silent treatement. I try to be careful to not manipulate people. I have worked very hard to fit in, blend with the masses. I learned how people behave and copied them. Anything to hide whats going on inside. So i have managed to make the outside world comfortable. It works,,,kinda,,,until i am in or headed for a relationship,,,then I cant seem to control it,,its bigger than I in those circumstances. Maybe im not ready,,,but i feel like an emotional raisin,,,and the moment i fall hard for someone i turn into a grape, plump, juicy, and alive. Ive yet to find a way to manage this little minefield of emotions. I want to know how to be a grape on my own;)


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 5:05 pm 
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That is a lot of insight, indeed. It's good that you're so self-reflective.

It sounds to me that, like many of us, you look to love to solve your problems. To make you feel alive again... to be a grape. How are you going to take steps toward that independence?

Also, if Buddhism has helped you in the past, I suggest When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It's a wonderful book, and it might help.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 9:58 pm 
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Well,,,im talking about it for starters. That i feel disabled if im not in love.

I moved back to my home town 2 years ago, just me and the dog,,,off to face life single. I have not been single much in my life. I have dated 2 men in that time,,,1 was crazier than me,,,so he had to go,,,cant be having anyone around that is not rational or intelligent. Then I met "R",,,rational, intelligent, and a very calm energy.
I know that at first its bliss,,,but in time can turn into a nightmare. So im still single,,,i know i have to learn this,,,at the moment i can not see how.

I am also booked with the psychiatrist to explore a diagnosis. I have set up a bit of an emergency plan with my gp,,,all i have to do is show up at the hospital and he will admit me.

I have also added 2 people, 1 to do accounting,,and another for business decisions...that person is aware of the bpd and helps me make decisions when i cant.

I have come off the antideppresants as they dont work for me. I have explored the possibility that i have fibromyalga,,,the body pain is intense.

I still feel like I'm missing something???? I dont really feel any changes.
Im thinking i should order one of the bpd workbooks,,,.

So i am trying,,im trying to face it. Take responsibility for my actions. Learn.
I am a vaccum inside...with a intense gravitational pull, And i still believe that everyone leaves. That i am defective, and that no one but my kids and my mom are trustworthy. That i am an object.
I have a lot to learn.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2012 5:51 pm 
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Well Krokus, that seems like a wonderful start to me. :) Be sure to keep talking.

Plus, taking responsibility is a very important step. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

When I was first diagnosed with BPD, my doctor said to me "You're just wired a little differently from other people, and it makes sense, considering that you grew up in such a fearful environment. You will probably have problems with that for the rest of your life. We all have our burdens. This one is your's."

Being single is hard. As one of my favorite authors wrote, "In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It’s important to combine the two in just the right amount." - Haruki Marukami.

Balance. It really is so important.

I recently went off antidepressants, too. Are you finding that they might have helped more than you thought, or are you having any withdrawals? I know that some antidepressants, surprisingly, also help with fibro.

As for the BPD workbooks go, I have heard good things about The Angry Heart by Joseph Santoro, and just ordered a copy myself. If you get a used copy from something like Half.com, it comes to about $5 including shipping. :)

Keep learning. Everyone has something new to learn, always. This is how we grow.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:48 pm 
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Lillprplkrokus
thanks for sharing, thanks for opening up :)

The Angry heart is good :) Go get it :)

many, many, many hugs to you!


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