Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Thu Jul 19, 2018 3:30 pm

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: I have been here before - but just to look around
PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2012 9:14 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2012 8:43 am
Posts: 1
I have been here before and I am back.... I REALLY need a safe place to talk to people who understand what it's like to have a loved one with BPD and who aren't here just to 'beef' about the latest escapades of 'their' BPD sufferer. I have read on other 'forums' trying to find support and help - and it just seems that the non-BPDs seem to use it as one big venting session! Cursing and de-meaning the BPD suffererer, etc. And THAT was in the 'I wanna stay in the relationship' section. ?????

I sometimes find myself overwhelmed... like today.

Before you ask -- I have no money for therapists, and when I did I found them to be of little help to me. Doing research and listening to other familes experiences and what they did to cope - realistically. LOVING the BPD sufferer and WANTING to stay and help them recover... that's what this journey is about... it's not about me. But I do recognize that if I cannot control my own feelings, I will be of little help to him.

Is this a good place to start?

MyBorderLass


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: I have been here before - but just to look around
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:32 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 12:30 am
Posts: 26
MyBorderLass,

I’m new, but have been in a BPD relationship for about a year and a half. I had to smile at your description of the ‘other places,’ and have thought the same. I’ve been confused, upset - even angry, but have not reached the hurtful stage it appears many have. I want to stay with my BPGF, not blame her. But I can understand their pain… we love these folks so much, yet we feel as if that love is in doubt and constantly tested.

It appears my BPD suffer expects the relationship to end, like others have, and doesn’t want me to be hurt. It’s as if the deeper her feelings for me, the more compelled she is to push me away, to keep me from being hurt. As I convince her I’m here for her and plan to stay, that shifts the responsibility of maintaining the relationship, in her eyes, fully onto her. She is now responsible for ‘both’ our pain, and it appears near overwhelming.

Witnessing this pressure, I can actually watch her (and she’s quick) determine how to ‘react’ to various situations with a pre-determination as to when and how far she wants to push me back. And, there seems little to nothing I can do to stop this pattern. She’ll see through my every attempt to sift the focus and deescalate the (always petty) point of concern. She will fixate on her desired outcome, ignoring all other concerns until she’s driven me back to a comfortable level.

My problem; I take it personal. Yes, she makes it that way, but by now, having been there before, I am trying hard not to take offense, and if I do, not to be so stubborn as to allow it to escalate or fester. It’s hard to back down in such a situation without losing the respect of the one you’re with, or your self respect. Very hard. But you’re doing it ‘for them,’ whether they know it or not, and will likely have an opportunity at a calmer time to discuss your feelings.

It’s work, and some folks don’t like work, so they split. And as mentioned, I think we’re constantly tested to see how hard we’re willing to work. And when the ultimate expectation is that you’ll bolt, it appears their behavior will push until they’ve achieved the expected outcome. Cuz if we don’t bolt, they’ve got a relationship to deal with. Scary… but that’s when I just want to hold her hand, we have each other ~

I’d introduced myself here a week or so ago, but am looking for the same thing you are, though your friend is male. I’ve wondered about the dynamics of a guy with BPD, as the vast majority of suffers are women. I appreciate reading about this from a guy’s point of view and prefer ‘this place’ because the descriptions are real, not assumed. We may not have BPD, but we’re doing all we can to understand it and protect the ones we love.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: I have been here before - but just to look around
PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2012 6:32 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1613
Location: The Carolinas
Hello and welcome!

myborderlass, I'm glad you are here to work on yourself. If you can't set strong boundaries and keep yourself healthy, in the end you will be the one to suffer. Take care of yourself. I hope you like it here!

_________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group