MyBorderLass,
I’m new, but have been in a BPD relationship for about a year and a half. I had to smile at your description of the ‘other places,’ and have thought the same. I’ve been confused, upset - even angry, but have not reached the hurtful stage it appears many have. I want to stay with my BPGF, not blame her. But I can understand their pain… we love these folks so much, yet we feel as if that love is in doubt and constantly tested.
It appears my BPD suffer expects the relationship to end, like others have, and doesn’t want me to be hurt. It’s as if the deeper her feelings for me, the more compelled she is to push me away, to keep me from being hurt. As I convince her I’m here for her and plan to stay, that shifts the responsibility of maintaining the relationship, in her eyes, fully onto her. She is now responsible for ‘both’ our pain, and it appears near overwhelming.
Witnessing this pressure, I can actually watch her (and she’s quick) determine how to ‘react’ to various situations with a pre-determination as to when and how far she wants to push me back. And, there seems little to nothing I can do to stop this pattern. She’ll see through my every attempt to sift the focus and deescalate the (always petty) point of concern. She will fixate on her desired outcome, ignoring all other concerns until she’s driven me back to a comfortable level.
My problem; I take it personal. Yes, she makes it that way, but by now, having been there before, I am trying hard not to take offense, and if I do, not to be so stubborn as to allow it to escalate or fester. It’s hard to back down in such a situation without losing the respect of the one you’re with, or your self respect. Very hard. But you’re doing it ‘for them,’ whether they know it or not, and will likely have an opportunity at a calmer time to discuss your feelings.
It’s work, and some folks don’t like work, so they split. And as mentioned, I think we’re constantly tested to see how hard we’re willing to work. And when the ultimate expectation is that you’ll bolt, it appears their behavior will push until they’ve achieved the expected outcome. Cuz if we don’t bolt, they’ve got a relationship to deal with. Scary… but that’s when I just want to hold her hand, we have each other ~
I’d introduced myself here a week or so ago, but am looking for the same thing you are, though your friend is male. I’ve wondered about the dynamics of a guy with BPD, as the vast majority of suffers are women. I appreciate reading about this from a guy’s point of view and prefer ‘this place’ because the descriptions are real, not assumed. We may not have BPD, but we’re doing all we can to understand it and protect the ones we love.
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