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 Post subject: Will this help?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 8:47 pm 
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Hi everyone.

I stumbled upon this site today and am surprised at how much in common I have with everything I've read in this forum so far. I've struggled with mood instability for years and have been in and out of various types of treatment for about 5 years. I've never been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I've never actually given anyone long enough to diagnose me with anything. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself - a fight between emotion and logic. Emotion seems to always be the victor in the heat of the moment, and then I find myself looking back on the situation and realizing I over reacted. All of my friends think I'm melodramatic. I always have extreme reactions to any situation. I'm never just a little sad, I'm empty and don't want to live anymore or I'm not just a little mad, I can feel the rage building up in the pit of my stomach and I want to explode, and I'm never just a little happy, I get so happy that it feels like nothing in the world could bring me down from that high - until someone says or does something I don't like, then I'm right back to being extremely mad or sad. It's exhausting!

A lot of why I'm reaching out for help with this now is that the person that means the world to me (which from what I've read means I idolize him.... right now I really do, last week I told him I never wanted to see him again), told me that I have serious issues. When he told me that I was angry at first and then once I came down from my extreme reaction and could think rationally, I saw that he was right. I take most of my mood swings out on him. He's scared to communicate with me because he's afraid of my reactions. I don't blame him.... and I've done that to everyone that means anything to me. I feel like a horrible person, undeserving of this man, when in all honesty he's horrible for me, but I keep holding on. He's like a drug to me. I know I need to kick the habit, but it's such a great high!

I've gotten to a point also, besides the "relationship" issue mentioned above, that I'm not able to keep other areas of my life together, either. I have an incredible job that I'm not performing to my full potential and fear I could lose at any moment. My finances have gotten so out of hand I've asked my mom to take over my bills because I'm way to irresponsible at 29 years old to know that I need to pay the rent and car payment before I go to the bar and spend $100 on a night of boozing. I have 2 kids with whom I only spend about 2 hours a day with - not because I don't love them to pieces, but because I feel like they deserve better than me for their mother....

I guess like others I don't really know why I'm spilling my guts on here - I guess it's nice to know that other people feel the same way I do. I just started going to a counselor last week and hopefully I'll be able to articulate these things to her. I've gotten so used to suppressing my feelings that it's hard to open up to someone and showing them the real me.


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 Post subject: Re: Will this help?
PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 10:20 am 
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Aherman,

Gotta say - pretty much most of what you wrote could've come from me at one point in my life. You're not alone. The extremes of emotion you describe are also quite common for borderline and I think most of here can relate to that. It can and does get better though, with time, practice, patience (with self), forgiveness (of self) and determination. The right meds help and a solid support system is invaluable.

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 Post subject: Re: Will this help?
PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 2:01 pm 
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Thank you, it is good to know that I'm not alone. Hopefully I can stick with it this time and learn what I need to to figure out some sort of balance.


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 Post subject: Re: Will this help?
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 11:25 pm 
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aherman

i read your whole story.

many,many hugs to you


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 Post subject: Re: Will this help?
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2012 12:00 pm 
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aherman,

Wow, I found myself relating to pretty much everything you just said. I write poetry sometimes, and a line that I wrote years ago has really stuck with me: That murderous battle between the heart and mind.

Anyway, I'm glad you found us. I think recovery is possible, especially with support, persistence, and a positive attitude. I, too, am trying to treat the people I care about a lot better than I have previously. I always feel so ashamed after lashing out...

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