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 Post subject: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 5:08 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:48 pm
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Hi. I just found this site and am grateful already to read posts from others that I can relate to. I have not been officially diagnosed but have done many online tests that all indicated I am Borderline. I am currently in Integrative Body/Mind psychotherapy for abandonment issues, but have only attended a few sessions.

I live with a wonderful man who has been a good partner to me and a good step-parent to my two young children. We have had many ups and downs throughout our relationship, and only now do i realize that these were mostly caused by me and my issues.

Currently, he is at work this evening and is due home later. My children are at their dad's for the night. My partner and I have been fighting over the last couple of days, instigated by me feeling he was not demonstrating his love for me enough.

Today i finally told him via email (while at work) that I am Borderline and have admitted to my detrimental behaviours throughout our relationship. Previously, i have always focused on the perceived "wrongs" he has done, or on ways he has failed to meet my needs.

He responded to my email with deep understanding and compassion, but expressed that he is not sure he can continue our relationship. We are supposed to discuss this tonight when he gets home.

I am afraid to lose him, but also don't want to continue the path I have been walking with him. I am also afraid that I will lose the insight I currently have and be overwhelmed with the need to manipulate him into staying with me unhappily. I tend to go back and forth between rationally wanting to do what's right, and selfishly wanting to put my emotional needs above all else.

Regardless of the outcome tonight, I truly want to heal from this disorder and work towards a happier, healthier life for me and to be a good example for my kids. i am terrified of screwing them up.

The idea of losing him is not just scary for what it means for me, but what it means for my children. They lived through a bad relationship between me and their father, us separating, adjusting to a new relationship, developing a strong bond with him. Now they may lose him and the stability of us. Any time my son (age 7) has overheard us arguing, he is right there telling us to say "I love you" and "I'm sorry". I know he would be devastated by this loss, and I know that were it not for my erratic behaviours, it wouldn't be happening. I feel so ashamed and guilty for the pain I may be bringing into my son's life yet again.

Thanks for reading.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:25 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:27 am
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Willow,

I think it brave of you to come to your partner about having Borderline. I'm sure he has taken the fact that you were honest with him into consideration; it can only be a positive thing. I hope the best for you and your family. Remember: everything happens because it is supposed to, and through every experience you will gain knowledge. Don't stress out too much. :) I wish you the best, and let us know what happens if you can.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 6:45 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2012 6:25 pm
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Willow,
It is the hardest thing to tell your spouse, and even harder for them to accept it. It is not easy to live with people like us, is what I would say. We are always in flux of so much emotion, and we tend to hurt the people we love. If you take that step of seperating, without a doubt it will be hard, but, keep in mind everything happens for a reason. If you do decides to stay together, I don't recommend medication, but, it's different for eveybody, and mine made it so much more worse. Top it all off, you are taking an enormous step alone by accepting this. You have support here.

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Everything Happens For A Reason


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:15 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:48 pm
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Hi willow

Welcome, i am new as well. My phyc app is in 2 weeks and i will be seeking a diagnosis.
I hope you find comfort here, i know i do

L


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:37 am 
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Aubrey/Willow,

How are things going?

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:40 pm 
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Hey Willow,

Welcome to the forum. I think that honesty is the best policy when it comes to relationships. Your partner will find out eventually, so it's best to share these kinds of details before they become secrets and feelings get hurt.

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2012 4:58 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:48 pm
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Hi Everyone! Thanks for all of the replies. It took a few days for my post to appear, and I stopped checking after a few days.

My boyfriend is still with me and we are doing okay, I guess. I feel so grateful that he hasn't left, but I can't stop reading into everything he says and does, or everything he doesn't say or do. Gah. I hate, hate, hate this so much. I hate that one second I can feel so positive, and then moments later feel so hopeless about myself.

This disorder is impacting every aspect of my life. I am 27 years old, and the idea of living this way for the rest of m life is daunting, to say the least. I would love to be able to just relax and enjoy what he and I have, but i am always looking for signs that he is going to leave me or lose interest in me.

I am ashamed to admit that I hacked his email and facebook a long time ago and check both frequently. There is never anything there, but I can't stop looking. I guess I am worried that if I stop looking, I will be risking something, but in reality this behaviour is so destructive.

I feel so paranoid. Any time I see him notice a pretty girl, it almost physically hurts. It feels like there is just complete dissonance between my rational mind and my emotions. And my emotions are usually stronger. I feel like I can't trust myself at all.

Please tell me this gets easier. Because I feel so overwhelmed.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, my name is Willow and I am messed up.
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:29 am 
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Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2012 3:23 pm
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Hi Willow

I think it is so admirable that you have recognised that you have a problem and admitted to it and even more so that you have shared this with your partner. I am here because I believe my partner may have BPD however he doesnt even acknowledge he has a problem. He blames everything on me and half the time he makes me believe that I am the crazy one. I wish I could get him to recognise that he needs help at least then I would have a chance of making our relationship work. I think you have taken a huge step and that can only be a good thing and those that love you will be there to support you.


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