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 Post subject: hello
PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:10 am 
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I apologize in advance for what will be a long winded post. I was diagnosed over 12 years ago with BPD, NPD, and SAD. With my constant outrages, delusions and not being socially fit my mother sent me to psychiatrist after psychiatrist and I ended up in a psych ward for a whole summer when I was 15. I was pumped with pills and little hope and had some bad reactions with some medications to the point of trying to kill my mother which is why I ended up in inpatient therapy. I felt I didn't belong there because most were there for suicide attempts and to this day I still remember the one kid that was there because he shot himself in the shoulder with a shotgun to see what it would feel like. When I turned 16 I was released and after a couple months at home my mom gave up and after the last psych visit where the lady said that I honestly would be better off away from my mother since she was a constant trigger and unwilling to accept having a kid who was very imperfect (along with my "illnesses" I'm also 96% deaf and have a lot of health issues as well) she decided to kick me out on the streets. I spent several years on the streets and became a drug addict. After some near death experiences I woke up and found my dad who I hadn't talked to in 6 years due to him being an alcoholic and beating the crap out of me as a kid and refusing as well to accept that he had a deaf son and would often hide my hearing aids when I was a child, or so my mother says. They hate each other and so I'm told different stories from each side and don't know what to believe anymore but that is a different story. He was living halfway across the country (I'm from Texas) and I hopped on a bus to Kentucky where he lived and left my girlfriend, all belongings, pets, apartment and most importantly drugs behind. I tried to start over fresh and it worked for awhile since I was able to reinvent myself and no one knew me and my past. My dad got me a job working with him as an airbrush artist doing custom motorcycles. It went great for awhile then he started using my talents to make him money and leave me with nearly nothing. I couldn't open a bank account due to my credit history so he kept my money and when I went to move out of his house I found he had stolen over $10,000 of my savings.Some people never change I guess. I refused to turn back to drugs which I still fight to this day and started binge drinking. After awhile I was able to move out and get away from him except I still worked with him. I felt very alone since I had no friends and knew no one in this state and all I did was work and drink. I finally got the internet after being offline for 5 years and was contacted by a girl I had talked to when I was younger that was a good friend. Turns out she lived an hour from me and we met up. She literally moved in with me the next day and we have been together for 7 years now and married almost 3 years. She has been my rock and kept me sober for 7 years and counting now. She has problems of her own, severely OCD and has very high anxiety and shows symptoms of bipolarism and separation anxiety. We have had a very rocky relationship and she knows my past and my illnesses and uses it against me but also understands it to an extent at the same time. She always says 2 crazies work together.
Now on to why I'm here. Over the past 7 years I have really been unable to control myself. I've had job after job, went to college and currently holding the longest single job of my life 2 years and counting. I guess I would say I'm fairly successful since I make good money as a diesel mechanic and was made lead mechanic on my shift but refuse to accept it to make myself happy. She has never had a job the whole time we have been together and doesn't even have a drivers license. I'm always angry because I feel like she is using me since all I do is work and never see anything from it with having to deal with her bills and now the mother in laws as well since I lost my house after the last job I lost and had to move in with the mother in law. I can't sleep and have resorted to taking melatonin pills with advil pm, rockstar relax drinks and at least half a bottle of zzzquil daily. We tried to get me some help but I can't afford to see a psychiatrist and the one I was going to see that was going to work with me died 2 days before my first appointment. I went to a doctor to try and see if I could get any of the medications I was on as a child to try and cope but no one here understands BPD and when I stated I'm overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts but won't act on it, they tried to have me committed and I left because I cannot afford to miss work. My symptoms are at an all time worst right now and I cannot shut my mind off, I go through all the emotions on a daily basis and it's a struggle just to get up and go to work or do anything including breathing. I constantly daydream of winning the lottery and getting a divorce from my wife because I cannot control my anger with what I feel as she is completely worthless to me and holding me back. I know it's not her fault and it's just me, but I cannot control myself and feel I'm better off without her and afraid I'll hurt her. I make her cry from my outbursts and I'm aware of how I'm acting but quite frankly I don't care. I know I'm being selfish and my outbursts are unlogical but as any bpd sufferer knows it's nearly impossible to control. We go from discussing what we will get for dinner when I get home from work after she wakes up to i'll snap and say f*** you why don't you get a job you worthless gold digger, then 2 seconds later decide what we will eat like nothing ever happened. Over the years she has come to understand it and deal with it, but I know it's not right or fair to her. I will snap if she even holds a pencil the "wrong" way as I see in my eyes. I have no support group and cannot discuss all this with her because it goes much deeper. She understands but she doesn't REALLY understand. She often makes it a joke that I don't give a s*** about anything and that's why she loves me, but then it turns into I don't care about her and she accuses me of cheating on her because she doesn't deserve me cause I treat her like a goddess and she doesn't do anything to contribute. I had myself under control when we first got together but then when the "real" her came out with her own problems, everything changed for both of us. I used to be very caring and would do anything to make her happy. I've tried with failure to return to who I used to be by getting her flowers on my way home, only to snap again after she would hug me and say there is the man I miss and love. Reading back over this I can see how it looks like she seems to be the problem but it's only because she is all I have, I don't have friends partially because she was very controlling at the beginning and didn't trust me because of my drug past. On the other hand I just don't trust anyone after all the crap I've been though and being used most of my life. It is now starting to affect my work because I deal with strangers constantly which is a battle in itself and I view everyone as fake and don't react normally to situations. Being that I deal with truck drivers who range from genuinely nice people to outright lunatics makes it very hard to control myself. The normal reaction to a driver being a flat out prick about either the price of the repair or diagnosis is to walk away and get a manager, but since I've been put on a shift by myself (midnight) with no managers I have no one to keep me in check and I find myself being
confrontational instead when my rage starts boiling because I think they are just stupid. For example, had one guy who didn't like his price and he was russian and he started yelling at me saying you think I just s*** money. I tried to explain to him that he already knew that the price is $91 an hour and that he was standing there the whole time I was doing the repairs. I walked away like I should but when I went back into the office to put in my comments for the repairs he started making more comments about how I was lying and made up the repair time ( 2 hours) and that I was trying to rip him off. Our system is all controlled by computers, I clock in to a job, then I clock out. I have no control over it and cannot adjust time. Him calling me a liar infuriated me since I wasn't lying and I tried to stay calm and said sir I would advise you to calm down and if you feel you have been wronged then here is the number to corporate and you can take it up with them, my hands are tied I cannot change to bill. I started to walk away then he blurted out f*** you american and I just snapped. I turned around and headed around the desk to him and for whatever reason he decided he was going to try and stab me with a pen and i blocked him then picked him up and threw him through a display stand and of course murphy's law kicked in and one of the racks had to go through his
cheek and so we had to call the police and an ambulance. I got lucky in that 2 managers, 4 co workers and 8 drivers all witnessed the altercation and all stated he tried to stab me first so I didn't lose my job. Shortly after that I was taken off day shift and put by myself on midnights. Anyways I know this is going on and on but I have no one to talk to and I'm about to explode. I go from crying and wanting to drive off a bridge to happy then convincing myself I'm delusional then go into a rage all in a matter of seconds and it's getting the best of me. I'm already getting angry because I know some will read this and say wow he is making this stuff up and that's what narcissists do, when I am for once telling the complete truth as I know I like to live in a delusional world and often don't know truth from reality. I know no one is trying to judge me but I still feel I am being judged at this very moment and feel someone is laughing at this very moment at me and now I'm crying. I really don't know what to do anymore I can't keep going on this way :(


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:07 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2012 4:07 pm
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I don't think you're making any of it up. I think you're definitely hurting and I hope you feel safe talking about your pain here. Welcome to the board.

Have you tried looking into any community based counselling or similar? I'm not from the US so I'm not sure how it works there?


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:32 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:48 pm
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Welcome:)

I dont think your making it up either. I am new here as well and have found no judgement in anyone. In fact i found a place to express the pain i carry. I am waiting on a diagnosis so i waffle between using this site to learn and using it to get things out of my head. I struggle with impulse control as well.

Your weight sounds heavy.

I wont judge you,,,i know how it feels.
I cry for your pain,,,would never laugh,,been there too.


Krokus


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 8:07 pm 
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we are listening here :)

you have been through A LOT.
if you can't afford therapy / medications, you can do your own therapy. Use the tools on this site. or do some research and get one or two books on bpd recovery and start doing the exercises in them.


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:30 am 
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I've been trying the steps and it has been working with my wife some since right after my original post I had a really random anxiety attack and passed out while she was asleep. I talked to her about what was happening and explained everything that was going in my head and some of the stuff that she has been doing that seems to trigger me. It isn't working at work yet since dumbass me the other day after we found out one of our employees got hit by a semi and was in the hospital and didn't know if he was going to make it and I blurted out "well I wonder who is going to get his toolbox if he dies" of course I found it funny in my own twisted way and didn't mean it to be mean that's just my humor and of course it pissed a lot of people off. The ones who know me laughed it off and called me heartless and made a joke of it to defend me but yeah I realize it was wrong thing to say at that time.that's my biggest problem that I really have no feelings for others at all. Of course I hope he doesn't die he is a good kid but personally it wouldn't bother me that much if he did.in fact I find myself jealous of all the sympathy he is getting and it's not at all. If it doesn't benefit me I literally don't care one bit.that's the NPD side of me.


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:35 am 
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It's not at all justifiable is what I meant to put, sorry I'm on my phone and gets a little wonky on this forum lol.


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2012 9:44 am 
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I learned something from your post,,,

I feel more for others than myself. I will do things for them that i would never do for myself. I try to never judge anyone,,,yet hold myself to a fierce moral code. I judge society as a whole but to individuals i am very compassionate.

Bottom line i put myself through hell.


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2012 12:29 pm 
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I used to be that way,always bending over backwards to help others no matter what it did to me.over the past few years I just stopped caring period and don't go out of my way anymore. I think it all started when my grandfather died a few years ago and he was only family member I cared about.that was the last time I truely cried over something that was "proper" I didn't cry at all for at least 2 years. I only burst out randomly crying for no reason these days. Like right this second my wife asked me what I'm doing and I just snapped and she is upset and I don't care. Being asked questions while I'm trying to think or type something really makes me angry and black out. Instead of being upset and trying to make her happy I find myself being irritated to death that she upset.


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 Post subject: Re: hello
PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2012 12:36 pm 
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I know that feeling,,,if someone asks me questions when im thinking i can snarl. Its so hard to keep one train of thought that i get irritated when somone distracts me.


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