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 Post subject: Hello, I'm new
PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 11:14 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 10:37 pm
Posts: 2
I've been going through a tough time these past months and I figured I'd finally start talking to people about it. I'm 25 female and this is me:

I'm a very moody girl, I've always been very sensitive so when people say things that hurt my feelings, I pretty much sulk or ignore them to teach them a lesson. Often, I will hate them. My best friend of many years and I got into a fight, she kicked me out of her wedding party and I wasn't the tiniest bit sad. The only thing I missed was having someone to hang out with, but I didn't miss her at all and this was a friend I had for at least 10 years. I think I was relieved that I didn't have to be in her wedding.

My newest best friend works with me.. we will be having a conversation and she will say something I don't like. It's usually something that sounds conceited to me and I'll just feel disgusted with her and hate her. I'll forget how sweet she is and that she was probably just kidding (for ex. she told me when she goes to the bar she likes to be one of the prettiest ones there .. normal people wouldn't hate their best friend for saying this). I'll think messed up things like, how could she think she's pretty? She's overweight and her teeth are bad and I will think aweful, aweful things about her. I think I get insecure when other people see themselves as pretty. Btw, people think I'm pretty but I'm soo insecure that I want people to be insecure just like me. It's messed up.

When one of my sisters p*sses me off.. wow, it's very unpredictable. I've tried cutting my mom out of my life as well. My mom once criticized before I was going away on a trip .. I e-mailed her and pretty much told her to not to see me at the airport, I didn't want someone like her in my life. She called me crying and said she was just worried that something bad could happen to me. I was stern with her, but I forgave her. Often, I will fantasize about cutting them out. Lately I feel loved by them so things are good but things were really bad a year ago.

My childhood wasn't the greatest .. my mom is an alcoholic, my real dad was not in my life and he died of a drug overdose after leaving rehab when I was 9 years old. I wasn't sad about this because I didn't really know him. It felt weird not crying at the funeral, but I get sad now not having had a dad or a good man in my life ever. Lastly, my morbidly obese step father was very verbally abusive. Life was rough growing up.. we were poor, I didn't fit in, was very shy.

I have very low self esteem. I am jealous of other women who believe they deserve a man with a good job or a car or an education. I don't even feel good enough for a guy with none of those things. A guy could have no job, but if he's confident I feel like I'm not good enough for him. The ONLY men I'm attracted to are emotionally unavailable. I've been used and chucked more times than I can remember. The nice, good guys that like me .. I could care less for. I will treat them like sh*t. I pretty much punish guys just for even liking me. I have low self esteem yet I think, "what .. like you actually have a chance" or I'll think of some reason why I don't want them. The only boyfriend I ever had, I swear was also bpd. He left me and I obsess over him always. When he dumped me, I seriously contemplated suicide and we were only together 1 month. I think about him and I get sad. It was months ago and I still feel like he was the one. I know as soon as I meet a new boy, I will forget him.

My moods change all the time. I'll be happy and something will trigger me and I want to cry and just hate myself. For instance, today I was at the mall happy, looking at clothes and I saw a couple looking at jewelry together. My eyes got watery and I felt a deep sadness. I get so mad because I think that I will never have that. No man will ever care enough about me to buy me a necklace or flowers or anything. Valentines Day is the worse. All my friends get nice things and I just hate myself. Sometimes I feel so unlovable. I could be in a good mood, going to Starbucks or something and if I see someone holding hands or something it'll also turn my mood sour. I would say the MOST triggering thing for me, is hearing about couples or romance. I'll be even reading a forum and someone will ask what they should do for their bf/gf and I'm sad. My friend at work showed me a poem he made for his gf, I'm sad. I get soo incredibly jealous of people who are in love because I don't think I'll ever find the one.

And the emptiness .. sometimes I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I don't know who I am and I don't have any hobbies. I watch tv and movies.. that's about it. I have new hobbies all the time, but I get bored of them. Nothing compares to being in love in my eyes. When I'm "in love", nothing in the entire world matters. It's like a drug. I can't concentrate or anything.. I just obsess over that person. My life is dull and boring and I honestly feel only romance makes it better.

I experience a lot of anger and it's often at silly things. I could write about this, but I already feel like this is the longest introduction post ever. I know I sound aweful, but I really am a sweet person. I just need to get this all off my chest. Sigghh, thanks so much for reading.


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