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 Post subject: Hello I'm new and just found this site
PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 12:29 pm 
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Hi. I'm new here. I was researching mental illness online because my boyfriend's ex creates so much drama that I wanted to find out what drives her to behave this way. Then I came across BPD, and it scared me because I realized that this is me. I closed my notebook, terrified. Two days ago, I did more research and found myself watching a video about BPD and I cried. I am still sad, but glad that I have finally realized that I can and will find peace in my heart. I am a single mother of two teen girls that I love, but lash out to at times. I'm also a mother of two women who have families of their own now. I have been in a relationship for a year and a half with a man I really love and care about and I don't want to put him through any discomfort or stress because he has anxiety and his own problems.

With my partner, I find myself being jealous and feeling threatened when I shouldn't be. It's really silly too. I get upset because I see him checking someone out in reality or tv, then I feel inadequate, then I get upset, then I feel hatred and say something, then he gets upset, then we are both upset, then I realize I made a mistake and tell him I'm sorry. This is a pattern I have seen before in past relationships. I crave attention and sometimes feel empty. When I feel threatened, I feel the adrenaline rushing. I don't yell, I just feel inadequate and remove myself from the situation and usually lash out thereafter. My partner treats me with total respect. He goes above and beyond in all aspects of our relationship. He is truly amazing, but he does not like the ups and downs and is getting tired.

With my children, I find myself lashing out because the house is messy, they are being disrespectful or they are lashing out at me or want too much and don't appreciate what they have. My children seem to focus on what they don't have and I feel unappreciated. I want them to be healthy emotionally. I understand that they are upset coming from a broken home, I haven't been able to give them what their friends have, and that I can only do so much because I have health problems. I have liver, thyroid and lung disease and I try hard not to let these things rule my life and not let the depression of it all get to me. I don't want them to end up like me.

With my family, I often feel inadequate because I've accomplished the least. I'm the least educated and I'm the one that doesn't have it all together. I avoid them as much as I can because of my lack of self esteem. I'm the middle of three children. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 7, then Mom went to school leaving us to fend for ourselves for most of the day. We were poor and I often went to school hungry with no lunch. I would feel embarrassed because my tummy growled and I would feel like everyone could hear. My clothes and shoes had holes in them and I was picked on in school a lot. I've been shy my whole life because I feel unworthy and inadequate, but at the same time I feel worthy of letting myself live life to the fullest and loving people as much as I can.

I have goals and aspirations and I don't want to let BPD rule my life any longer. I have difficulty managing money, but I am managing. I'm not working at the moment because I was recently on triple combination therapy for liver disease. I'm now looking at volunteering and going back to school and hopefully attempting the combination therapy again as it didn't work. I plan on buying the book posted on here and working on myself by myself. I will look for a therapist, but I know there is a shortage in support services in this area.

I thank you for being here and for the support you all offer. I feel a sense of relief.

I have not been diagnosed with BPD, but from reading about it I know that I have it. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. I get mad easily and can hold grudges, but it's not for long. I feel inadequate, embarrassed, shy and unfulfilled. If I don't get attention, I feel upset and lash out. I put myself down and beat myself up etc...it's mental turmoil. I'm already beating myself up for what I have just written.


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 Post subject: Re: Hello I'm new and just found this site
PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 6:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
Posts: 819
Location: sarasota
Hi Baker,

Welcome. I'm so sorry that I'm just now seeing your post. I hope you can find some answers here.
Do you actually work as a baker at night or do you bake at home....I've always found cooking and baking to be very therapuetic.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Hello I'm new and just found this site
PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 4:46 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
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Baker,

I'm sorry that your initial post was buried under thousands of spam posts. It took quite a while to sift through everything and suss out the legitimate posts for approval. Welcome to BPDR and I hope you come back now that your account has been activated a month later.

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 Post subject: Re: Hello I'm new and just found this site
PostPosted: Sun Nov 25, 2012 5:27 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 12:30 am
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Baker, “My partner treats me with total respect. He goes above and beyond in all aspects of our relationship. He is truly amazing, but he does not like the ups and downs and is getting tired.

I’ve posted here looking for answers to help my former bpd girlfriend. She’s left, though I’ve a feeling she’d return if given the opportunity/ encouragement (as I’m still trying to figure things out). Your symptoms are her symptoms. I’m sorry, life’s hard enough without bpd. I’m no expert, and considered a ‘non’ in the bpd world – but I’ve done a lot of homework, seemingly needing to do so just to get over my friend.

While searching for a therapist for her, not too close to her relatively small town but not as far as the nearest metro area, I found very few willing to deal with BPD. And from what I’ve read, they’d rather not. My question; when considering all you’re up against, is it impossible to totally trust another person? Do you feel yourself such a poor judge of character that your current partner may in some way betray you? …maybe I shouldn’t say ‘feel,’ but ‘sincerely believe.’

I know it may sound stupid, or naive at best, but if life seemed too difficult, could you not turn your trust over to your mate? If I knew what I now know about bpd, and had the inner strength, to either trust, or stop fighting, I’d do my best to place my trust in another. Let them be your gage of reality, and yes, lean on them. Explain it, let them adsorb it, and judge as best you can by their reaction as if you’d be willing to let them help guide you through life, as needed.

I’ve about raised my two daughters, and was also on my own with them at the age of yours. They will test you – it’s your word against the world - and the world’s a lot bigger… But they’ve your core values, help them recognize those and explain to them how they developed within you. I’d also let them know what you’ve learned about BPD …and allow them to be on your side. Mine are wonderful and beautiful, though it will likely take decades for them to fully appreciate what I’ve instilled in them. That’s OK, it took me about the same.

You don’t need all the answers …and what I’m learning in a very difficult time in my life is few folks have them, as most have a shit-load of their own problems. As mentioned, life is tuff, and BPD undoubtedly makes it tougher. But, I’ve been reading a lot of stuff from current and former life partners of those with bpd …and they’ve loved you deeply – you appear to pick well. Many, I’ve been so impressed by I’ve printed out and will likely save their insight for years …with my daughters likely stumbling onto it after I’m gone.

Had mine only trusted me… Instead, she blew it up.

Never beat yourself up (Damnit). Live and learn. Learn whom and how to trust. If you can’t trust yourself, don’t – seek help. Be honest to those closest to you and they’ll love you all the more for it. Compete with no one – you’ll win by default! Your life can only be judged by how hard you tried, and it reads from here that you’re still trying, and that’s what counts. …and now I can’t remember what got me going here, other than my apparent terminal passion for those in need..? Thing is, sometimes I need, too, and those who mean the most to me are those who’ve been there when I’ve needed them, whether I’ve met them or not. (good work)

*Ash, I’m a moderator on another (unrelated) forum and we’ve been nearly crippled with aggressive non-stop foreign originated spam. I hope your members appreciate the magnitude of work it takes to keep a site like this up and running. I do - and thanks :)


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