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 Post subject: why I am here
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:38 am 
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Hi. I am here because I am a recovered BPD. A testament that it is possible. I am healthy, but it took me 20 years. I am 43, and making that journey and raising 2 normal children (now in their teens) has been what I had done with my life. But now I am at this limbo. Up until 4-5 years ago I only survived. I suffered every day and did not have a life. I did not "do" anything that the world considers doing. I did not accumulate experiences (positive, happy, enriching). I did not have a childhood, and more importantly, youth. I hid from the world because what characterized my disorder more than anything was that my socialization did not happen. I never learned how to behave and interact and was an outcast and an outsider since the age of 10.
I did marry, the first man who did not abuse me, but it is not a happy marriage and I want out. I always worked, but for peanuts and did not develop anything resembling a carreer, so my financial situation is not good. I severed my connections with all my family, except my sister, because it is an unusually disturbed family. As a survivor, I am a miracle, or a strong and unique and good person. Depending on the day.
In the past few years I have been coming slowly out of my shell. I am not weired anymore and I enjoy people smiling at me every day. I dont have bad days as such, only bad moments. I dont fight with the world, things go smoothly. I used to have all the 10 forms of twisted thinking and now I have none. Or rarely have them. When my therapist told me Im cured, I did not know what he was talking about. It was a few years ago. And I have been getting better ever since. With lapses, yes. But I know they are temporary. I breath. I am here and I- weigh more every day.
But - I am plagued by regrets for the past. All the life I missed, never to be recoverd. There are things one cannot do or experience after a certain age. There are constraints. I am not free to live the new me to the fullest.
And I cannot stop re living the past, all the agony and the many, many wrong choices I made, and the waste. Waste of my youth, my looks (eating disorders, gone for good for many years), my brains, my zest for life. I have never known love. I have never, once in my life, had sex with someone I am in love with and is in love with me. I dont have friends because all my friends were other BPD's and except for one, they left or I left them. I still dont know how to befriend "normal" people.
I could go on. But I have written in the hope to find someone that understands. thanks


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:14 pm 
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Hi Jillo, and welcome to BPDR!

Congratulations on all the progress you've made over the years! And raising two healthy children is no small accomplishment either. I'm sure that's taken some really hard work on your part. I'm sure that folks here would love to hear from you some of the things that helped you along the way. Did you have a therapist that helped you, or did you do it on your own? Are there any books or other resources that you would recommend?

I can understand your regret over the lost opportunities. I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until I was 50, even though it had obviously been part of my life for a long time, probably since my early teens. I have also had several bouts of severe depression that have been really debilitating. I can't help but wonder how my life might have gone if I had gotten adequate help earlier in my life. I think I would have made different decisions many times, and maybe my current life wouldn't be what it is -- my marriage over, my career lost, and my support group very limited. On the other hand, I wouldn't have my two kids, now in their 20s, who are my life and make the struggle worthwhile.

I, too, have difficulties in social situations and making friends. A lot of people dropped out of my life after my divorce and my two hospitalizations for depression. I have only two friends, one of whom I don't see much of because she is so busy with her job and family. For me, the thing that has kept me going to some degree is belonging to a church. I almost quit a few years back because I was so embarassed at the mess I had made of my life and I felt utterly unworthy of friendship and support from the people there. At times I have even doubted my faith, and have felt like a hypocrite for being there. But if I gave up on it, I would be totally isolated and alone, and so I push ahead and stick with it. Gradually, as I've been able to come out of my shell, I've tried to open myself up a little. I've volunteered to help out with a few things, and I've gone to a few classes. My major effort in the last year was to join a group going to New Orleans to do some hurricane relief work -- I was scared to death but I survived it, and I've enjoyed getting to know a few people. It's still all very superficial, but there are a few more folks who will smile at me or wave or say hi, and it helps me not feel so totally alone on this planet.

I guess what I'm saying is that even though it's really difficult, it's worth it to keep practicing reaching out to people. Volunteering at something, even just for an hour or two here and there, can be a good way to do that. Whether you relate better to children or older people or animals, somebody somewhere could use your help, and it opens your world a little and lets a few more people in.

OK, I've rambled on long enough. I'm glad you found us, and I hope you'll stick around and share a little of your journey with us.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:45 am 
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Hi, Sari.

Thank you so much for answering. Truth is not rambling and its not boring.

What to say to all the hurt people out there? I am not a preacher kind of person. Admitting you have a problem, seeking help and wanting to change. Its not new. I guess people in this forum are not in total denial, as many I have met over the years. You need a reason to live, and I had the children. I also knew that I was hurting them and need to change quickly, it was a powerful motive. And also, seek and ye shall find. Use anything that helps you progress, even a little bit.
But these are big words. I am not sure that they can help much when you are depressed and empty and angry most of the time. Or constantly doubt your self. I dont seem to really help my only close friend, who's finished a degree in psychology now and is working with young people and should be feeling so good, but her old patterns dont leave her. I am there to listen and tell her good things about herself but I cannot change her.

The thing is that to get better you need a sense of self, even the tiniest, and that can grow. Some opinions or beliefs that are your own and cant be shaken. Some sort of differentiation between your self and another. Some. And I had that when I finally found a good therapist at the age of 34. In my case I had to start building a wall around myself because everything and everyone could interfere with me. I had to learn to shut my mouth and not tell everyone everything. He gave me practical advice, how to act stronger in specific situations because I was always weak. Starting with my little children and psychopathic father. And boy, you should see me now. It took me years to grasp what it is to feel real.
I just did not want to suffer so much and I wanted to die but I am not suicidal so I have had to live.

I was never diagnosed. I infered what I had been because my therapist talked to me eventually about personality disorders and I also read a lot. I read a lot about object relationships but again, relatively recently because I needed to. I was never medicated, because with me things never went completely out of hand. Even if I spent days in bed, cried to no end, avoided people and ate and ate to alleviate constant anxiety, I am self disciplined and responsible. And back than I didnt know medication was possible. I thought it was for schisophrenia and that's it.
Lucky for me because overcoming my bolemia was the one thing I did completely alone and completely successfully. BY the time I was 27 I went through 3 incompetent psychologists who ignored my bolemia and indeed me. I went to overeaters anonimous for a while but I saw they were too crazy for me. I wasnt as needy and it was important to realise that. I somehow was able to say to myself after 11 years of being controlled by food that I will do it ----'s way. (Thats my name. I remember that moment). I was pregnant and I knew that I would not be able to take care of the baby if food ruled my life. The fact that I found 2 books that helped me, one left at my dentist's office and one my mother in law had and never read is not so crucial. I asserted myself in front of the wreck that I was. It took me 10 years to be free of food and start caring for my body and relating to my body and that is when I started to live and not only survive. 37.
Does it help anyone to read this?
I know who I am now and BPD's dont know who they are. I was lost and now I am found, I was blind and now I see. The price is regret. Do I sound pompous? My inferiority complex was so huge. And it still raises its ugly head sometimes.

My biggest luck and biggest help was my 4th therapist who accepted me as a human being from day 1 and worked ever so patiently with me. A good therapist is hard to find. You need to leave a therapist that hurts you or is cold, or does not seem to really understand what you went through or going through but to do that you need an ability to protect yourself and that could be missing. Or you may be anthralled with a charismatic therapist, and that only compounds your problem. so, luck and perseverence. If anyone out there feels there is any chance that they could love themselves one day, or feel that they are "all right", they should seek someone who could teach them how.
But I feel ridiculous saying that. Though writing these things puts a mirror in front of me. I am all right now and I am able to find meaning to life. That is not my problem. I can volunteer, I can help. There are options now, and may be more if I manage financially to divorce. We dont have any mutual friends that will desert me. If anything, Ill have more friends.
I can also enjoy all kinds of things but I tend to be jealous and bitter by nature. I also think that its a remnant of all or nothing thinking, that it is so hard for me to accept that my life is worth living even though I havnt been part of life prior to 37. I feel that enjoying little things makes me little, because I havnt got great stories to tell about my life. Relationships, travels, awards, titles, any sort of proffessional recognition, things I were good at and so on and so forth. I raised healthy children even though I was terribly abused myself. Who can you tell it to? I come from a very competitive and nosy culture. You are judged by your proffession, how big your family is, how many hobbies you have, what your house looks like and especially, how many friends you can boast of having. My life is full of secrets and I was never good at facade. But its not the telling as much as simply having good memories.

Well, I vented enough. I know many have suffered more than me. And I am talking about emotionally troubled, not to mention all the other suffering in this world.

Sari, if you are still reading this, what do you think? I see you are very active in this site.
And again, its nice to know someone read me and responded. I never did this forum thing before. It made me less lonely today.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 8:29 am 
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Hi, Sari.

Thank you so much for answering. Truth is not rambling and its not boring.

What to say to all the hurt people out there? I am not a preacher kind of person. Admitting you have a problem, seeking help and wanting to change. Its not new. I guess people in this forum are not in total denial, as many I have met over the years. You need a reason to live, and I had the children. I also knew that I was hurting them and need to change quickly, it was a powerful motive. And also, seek and ye shall find. Use anything that helps you progress, even a little bit.
But these are big words. I am not sure that they can help much when you are depressed and empty and angry most of the time. Or constantly doubt your self. I dont seem to really help my only close friend, who's finished a degree in psychology now and is working with young people and should be feeling so good, but her old patterns dont leave her. I am there to listen and tell her good things about herself but I cannot change her.

The thing is that to get better you need a sense of self, even the tiniest, and that can grow. Some opinions or beliefs that are your own and cant be shaken. Some sort of differentiation between your self and another. Some. And I had that when I finally found a good therapist at the age of 34. In my case I had to start building a wall around myself because everything and everyone could interfere with me. I had to learn to shut my mouth and not tell everyone everything. He gave me practical advice, how to act stronger in specific situations because I was always weak. Starting with my little children and psychopathic father. And boy, you should see me now. It took me years to grasp what it is to feel real.
I just did not want to suffer so much and I wanted to die but I am not suicidal so I have had to live.

I was never diagnosed. I infered what I had been because my therapist talked to me eventually about personality disorders and I also read a lot. I read a lot about object relationships but again, relatively recently because I needed to. I was never medicated, because with me things never went completely out of hand. Even if I spent days in bed, cried to no end, avoided people and ate and ate to alleviate constant anxiety, I am self disciplined and responsible. And back than I didnt know medication was possible. I thought it was for schisophrenia and that's it.
Lucky for me because overcoming my bolemia was the one thing I did completely alone and completely successfully. BY the time I was 27 I went through 3 incompetent psychologists who ignored my bolemia and indeed me. I went to overeaters anonimous for a while but I saw they were too crazy for me. I wasnt as needy and it was important to realise that. I somehow was able to say to myself after 11 years of being controlled by food that I will do it ----'s way. (Thats my name. I remember that moment). I was pregnant and I knew that I would not be able to take care of the baby if food ruled my life. The fact that I found 2 books that helped me, one left at my dentist's office and one my mother in law had and never read is not so crucial. I asserted myself in front of the wreck that I was. It took me 10 years to be free of food and start caring for my body and relating to my body and that is when I started to live and not only survive. 37.
Does it help anyone to read this?
I know who I am now and BPD's dont know who they are. I was lost and now I am found, I was blind and now I see. The price is regret. Do I sound pompous? My inferiority complex was so huge. And it still raises its ugly head sometimes.

My biggest luck and biggest help was my 4th therapist who accepted me as a human being from day 1 and worked ever so patiently with me. A good therapist is hard to find. You need to leave a therapist that hurts you or is cold, or does not seem to really understand what you went through or going through but to do that you need an ability to protect yourself and that could be missing. Or you may be anthralled with a charismatic therapist, and that only compounds your problem. so, luck and perseverence. If anyone out there feels there is any chance that they could love themselves one day, or feel that they are "all right", they should seek someone who could teach them how.
But I feel ridiculous saying that. Though writing these things puts a mirror in front of me. I am all right now and I am able to find meaning to life. That is not my problem. I can volunteer, I can help. There are options now, and may be more if I manage financially to divorce. We dont have any mutual friends that will desert me. If anything, Ill have more friends.
I can also enjoy all kinds of things but I tend to be jealous and bitter by nature. I also think that its a remnant of all or nothing thinking, that it is so hard for me to accept that my life is worth living even though I havnt been part of life prior to 37. I feel that enjoying little things makes me little, because I havnt got great stories to tell about my life. Relationships, travels, awards, titles, any sort of proffessional recognition, things I were good at and so on and so forth. I raised healthy children even though I was terribly abused myself. Who can you tell it to? I come from a very competitive and nosy culture. You are judged by your proffession, how big your family is, how many hobbies you have, what your house looks like and especially, how many friends you can boast of having. My life is full of secrets and I was never good at facade. But its not the telling as much as simply having good memories.

Well, I vented enough. I know many have suffered more than me. And I am talking about emotionally troubled, not to mention all the other suffering in this world.

Sari, if you are still reading this, what do you think? I see you are very active in this site.
And again, its nice to know someone read me and responded. I never did this forum thing before. It made me less lonely today.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:10 pm 
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Hi, jillo

Welcome to BPDR! :) I think what you wrote is too valuable to stay in the Welcome forum. Sari, can it be moved to On the Border or somewhere so more people can read it and respond?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:07 am 
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Hi Wondering.

Thank you.


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