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 Post subject: Not sure what I'm doing
PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 3:53 pm 
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Hi,

My name's Chris and I am suffering. It is my ex-wife, the mother of my child who has borderline personality disorder. My lack of ability to support her, as well as her disorder, caused our divorce about 3 years ago, after almost 3 years of marriage.

In December, we "tried again" and it was put to a huge halt. Her mother has a lot to do with it. She's very manipulative and controlling. I've spent the last month doing nothing but smothering her while she dates someone else because he helps maintain a "grayness" in her life, and she is telling me that she just has to be with him right now, and wants me to just wait, because she does want to be with me again, for the rest of her life, just not right now. However, she has told me that she needs the steadfastness of my confident love for her...even though she's with another man.

I, of course, find no sense in her having him, from my perspective. There's a lot more complexity to the issue - we have 50/50 custody of our beautiful daughter and do a phenomenal job as divorced co-parents. Our daughter is very healthy due to all of this. We live 9 blocks from each other.

I love her, and just want her to be happy. But of course, I feel the only thing that can truly make her happy is to be with me....because I want to spend each and every moment trying to help her get happy -- and of course after research I know that's not feasible.

I am at my wit's end. She's my best friend and I confide in her about this stuff, and I need to find another outlet, whether it be this board or an individual I can rely on to chat with about it. It'd be great to get to know someone else who is or has been in her position and can help me understand where she is coming from.

I have enrolled in a NAMI class that starts Feb 8; it's for the loved ones of people who have depression, BPD, etc. And NAMI apparently has another meeting on thursdays that I could go to but she could go too. I told her that I'd be happy to go with her...drive separate if she preferred..she says it's really awkward in those groups, and she doesn't know if she'll have the strength to go when Thursday comes around.

So....anyway I'll stop babbling :-) Thanks for reading. I could type for hours about it!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 5:03 pm 
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whats a nami class i have bpd my husband loves me very much and is still with me but are relationship is poo at the mo,


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 8:06 pm 
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I called the "behavioral health" place and they referred me to a phone number to a nice couple that puts on a 12-week course, for free, for the loved ones of those with issues like BPD.

NAMI is http://www.nami.org....national association for mental illness I think? And this class is through them. I believe these courses are taught at a national level, I live in a pretty small town in Kentucky. I didn't find much on nami.org about all of that though, I found it by calling the behavioral health place and asking for the information.

Good luck!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 8:13 pm 
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sorry http://www.nami.org


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:44 am 
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Welcome Klonpinator. Sounds like you're in a really difficult situation with your ex-wife. On this site, however, we ask you to focus on you and what you can do to live a happy, healthy life. Just by reading what you've shared in your intro, I would say you are hurting and need to learn how to look out for yourself. I've been in codependent relationships before, and what you describes sounds oh so familiar. You can't help her unless she's willing to do the work. And it doesn't sound like she is. It sounds as though she is quite comfortable with BPD with her life. She may be unhappy, but that doesn't seem to be enough at this moment to get her to let go of the drama.

I'm glad you found us, Klonpinator. I hope the site can help you in your goal of happy, healthy living.

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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