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 Post subject: This is me
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:17 pm 
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My name is Lauren and I suspect I have BPD.

I haven't been formally diagnosed, but having started going to school for a career in psychology before I changed my major to massage therapy (shifting of career goals.....criterion 6?) I looked it up in the DSM-IV and found that I met the criteria for a diagnosis.

Maybe I am being a hypochondriac........but I feel like of all the disorders that therapists have presented as a possibility for me, this one seems to describe me.

Its pretty embarrassing for me to admit I have such a fear of being abandoned. Its also hard to admit that I am confused about my self image.

I know that my behavior hurts everyone I love but I think that my boyfriend gets the worst of it. I'm not sure why exactly, but I am pretty sure it has a lot to do with my unrealistic expectations of what a "Man" or "Boyfriend" should be.

I also think I take it out on him more because he doesn't baby me the way my parents and bff do.

What I mean by this is that when I am crying and upset over something little....or blowing a real problem out of proportion, My family will sort of just reassure me and cuddle and pet me....wheras he is more likely to just be like "Lauren, you are blowing this out of proportion and acting like a child, you just need to stop and calm down."

I don't know if that is really even a bad thing on his part.

The rational part of me says that that is what I need, but the emotional part of me just wants to be pacified.

Basically, my realization of my borderline behavior was directly connected to him....so I will probably be talking about him and situations reguarding our relationship a lot.

Anyway....I'm glad to be here! I hope this will help, because I really don't want to push him or anyone else I love away.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 10:24 am 
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Hi Lauren,

I'm glad you are here and have begun to look at yourself. I found my disorder to be "embarassing" kinda-sorta. But really, we don't have anything to be embarrassed about. We didn't choose to have a problem, we just do.

You are looking at and into yourself, that is something to be proud of. I hope you will find the help and support on this board that you need. I am new here myself so I really don't have many words of wisdom. When I first arrived I was advised to have a look at the ::Tools:: section of this site (among other things). There are some valuable things in there. They have helped my to see that I have much more work to do for myself.

When I would get mad and "act this way" with my girlfriends a lot it had to do with the fact that I was afraid they would "find out" how weird I am or that I was going to loose them. This is before I knew of my disorder. I didn't know I had a problem and just knew I wasn't normal and I was always afraid that the people i loved would discover how "messed-up" i was and then they would turn on me.

For me, it wasn't that they weren't the best that g/f or a woman could be. the problem was all the fear and self-hate in in me. I also am having to learn that I don't see or experience the feeling i know in me the way that most other people do. They are different for me. This is true for many of us. It is something we need to learn and adjust where it's may be needed.

I'm not "messed-up" in the way that the above words depict. I'm just a person that need to learn more about how emotions and feeling affect many things. I need to accept and handle the past. And I need to find better examples of nice, strong, and balanced behavior and start to live in those way.

I hope you are doing well and I hope you stick around.

bumpy

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 10:43 am 
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If you try not to think of everything you do as related to having BPD, you might relax a little. My T told me that it's not so much that there's anything "wrong" with us - we just lack the skills to deal with certain situations and with our feelings. By learning the skills we can have better relationships and experiences. I am by no means 100% in the skills department, but I am trying. As long as you are aware of what you are doing, you have the ability to then deal with these emotions and situations. Before I was diagnosed with BPD I wasn't even AWARE of what I was doing. So try to relax a little and not stress so much about the lable.

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