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 Post subject: a new introduction - i'm worse than i thought
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:40 pm 
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I have recently found a collection of writings and 'journal' like attempts at notes in a set of files from my college years. At first I was a mission to de-archive them onto my computer and read them all. It's took a couple of days of intensive effort to compile/assemble a system that would be able to locate and restore the documents from the various technologies that have kept them secret for nearly 20 years.

It's done. I have them.

They cover many aspects of life at the time, as a journal would, and they discuss many more things than a healthy 24 year old journal would. I read them now, and I stop. I place them aside for a while. A moment of pause maybe, but more so it is that I first need to be able to process and better accept some shocking revelations which I now have about myself.

I look back to these and I see both a young man that is tackling head-on a series of problems in his life that are greatly attributed from childhood sexual abuse and I also see a young man that has no idea of how affected and mentally ill he has become.

In reading the post I can see from so many many things just how plagued i am/was (and "slash" still am) with Histrionic Personality Disorder. It's awful. It's terrible.
'
In fact, it has been almost overwhelming, to a point where I currently don't even feel like functioning.

I was diagnosed maybe 7 months ago. I didn't understand it nor did I really accept it. It was only about 2 months ago that I had a piece a paper from my "T" that said it black-and-white. That was a sour cup of tea to swallow.

Okay then, I said to myself. Let's see just how "bad" this HPD in me thing is. I begin by reading the criteria on the web regarding HPD that I can find. The two source that I found most helpful were at Wiki and Healing (I have link to both of them on this blog). The reason I set out was not so much to help me find me but to show/help a person in a a support group what it takes to be HPD and that it's not so bad.

I used to joke that HPD was the best of the PDs to have. Like, "if you gotta have a PD, might as well have HPD". That's stupid, pathetic, shallow and awful. My approach to it alone is a classic example as to how an HPD might say something about matters that are so grave.

Anyhow, in reading some of the recently restored scripts, I see that I am heavily burdened with this mental illness. It is very strong and powerful in me. It is a very very heavy and ill arm of control in my life. It must stop. It must go away. It must be fixed.

If I cannot overcome it somehow soon, I think my life will only get worse and worse. My life is really so bad right now that just writing the past 5 words have made me cry. I hate it. I want to say that I hate me and I hate myself but I know I'm not supposed to think that way. I'm "not allowed" too. That sucks too.

I am so sick that I don't even care anymore. And I hate that.

My HPD and me are so messed up that I only see borderline as the foremost component. I used to think BPD was the worst to have. That it was way worse than HPD. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't know and I don't think it matters. They are just as bad. Nobody should have anything. It kills us. It destroys our lives. It's nothing to make fun of or to laugh at. And I've been doing that. I guess it was a form of denial. I have quit. I have quit. I have quit.

Now I don't know what to do.

I am going to take a break right now for a bit. When I regain my energy -i need to eat- I may work on the details. I don't know.

I have therapy on Monday. I should probably just shut down until then and I know that's wrong too.


Here are a couple of things about me that I have really seen in a new and hard light.

I rage - i rage i rage i rage (i didn't really think i did before)

i am terrified of being abandoned and I will destroy any thing or relationship of any type that i have in order to not be the victim of someone else's choice.

i can't control my thoughts and actions at times and at those times they are often awful.

i am willing to cast-away friends and family as easily as I may change a pair of socks

i often accept and feel that any form of affection show to me means i must love them or they must love me. i only want people to love me. love me. me.

in the past i lived as though anything with sex (good or bad) was a sign of love and no matter how "bad" the act was [the perpetrator] and no matter how i felt with them, if we were having sex then i had to love them and they must love me. if that "love" ever stopped then the world was coming to an end.

there's a lot more. i dont like it. i wont talk about it right now.

i just wanted to say this before i forgot it

it's easy for me to just forget things
i forgot almost of the things that i spent a year learning when i was 24
all of it

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 Post subject: one of the things i read
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:48 pm 
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if you are bored and want to read one of the things i found, read this.
it's long. its about me and childhood sex abuse from way back
i wrote it 17 years ago.

i left everything i was doing 17 years ago in the past.
i was 24 then i was trying to deal with it
i let it go

i dont want to let it go anymore.

please don't tell anyone in any other groups that this is me. please.

http://www.bumpyroad.org/stories/53-exa ... story.html

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life awaits me... i hope...
<a href="http://www.bumpyroad.org" target="new">Can you help us?</a>


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