BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Good afternoon,

I am married to a wonderful uBPD. He moved out the week before Christmas, and we are speeding toward divorce, much to my dismay. I post multiple times daily on the non-board "Face the Facts."

I have recently learned that my husband's Xanax and alcohol use could have exacerbated his fears and rage issues. I would like to communicate that with him, but I don't want him to think that I think he's crazy. I just want to let him know that there is research that indicates MUCH of his situation could be neurobiological.

The FTF folks suggested I post here. So, what do you think? Can I tell him gently about Dr. Heller's research. Can I turn this train around?

Thanks for any help you can offer! (By the way, I hope my being here is not inappropriate.) Thanks again!

Welcome!
As long as you are willing to focus on yourself and skills you can learn to be happier and healthier in you own body and soul, you are welcome here.

If you cant convince you SO to ask for help, you can not force him to change. Telling someone they are an addict probably doesn't help. I know I'm addicted to gambling, having someone tell me, even someone I love, doesn't change the fact that I'm an addict. I don't believe in interventions (for the benifit of the addict, I can see where the loved ones get release) unless the person seems ready to ask for help.

I take it in his mind, counciling is out of the uestion? If he's willing to see a marriage councilor, perhaps that is the way into dealing with whatever issues you both may have.

This is just my, UNMARRIED 2 cents worth.

No, no interventions or accusations.

I simply want to send an e-mail and suggest that our abandonment issues are at the heart of our problem. I go on to say, that I am co-dependent, and working hard in therapy on these issues. I want to mention that Dr. Heller has suggested that the Xanax he was taking when we had our last fight might have complicated the situation. I simply want to ask him to consider that maybe his fear of abandonment is why we are apart and that maybe we could work on ourselves together withing the context of our marriage.

No "Hey, did you know your Borderline!"

Thanks for you help.

here is how i see it... the question.
is it good or bad for you to tell them thay have BPD? That you think they have BPD?

being on both sides of the fence with a PD I understand.
my T told me to never tell my my ex. that it wasn't may job. that it could/would cause her greater harm, make her flee, turn it all around whatever. i understand many reasons about that.

i too fought my diagnosis (though not BPD) btu from what I can understand it's a bit easier to tell and HPD what they suffer from.

so, I wonder and ask of some of you... had somebody other that your T or you - from learning to find and heal yourself.... did somebody else tell you that they thought you had BDP?

If so, how did you take that news? Was is good -in the end... i guess it was if you are hear getting better.

I'm not planning to tell him that I think he is BPD. I plan to say that I feel that he, like me, has a real fear of abandonment. I also plan to say that Dr. Heller has commented that Xananx is counterindicated when abandonment issues are present. I will also say that Dr. Heller feels that closed head injuries in young teens can intensify fear of abandonment.

I will not mention BPD; just fear of abandonment.

i've seen the name Dr Heller before.. is he your doctor? is he a T? i dont know who he is... i had a T in houston name Heller, he was good - i just wasnt ready back then. timing and willingness are key for the patient...

If he's the one prescribing the xanax and he's a T then perhaps you could just speak with him first before saying anything to your husband.

Dr. Heller is a top researcher in the field. He did not prescribe the Xanax, nor is he my husband's therapist. He is an authority I was going to quote.

Hi there,

I started out over at FtF back when it was called The Nook because my husband has BPD. I've found that working through my own issues here at BPDR (rather than focusing on his) has been very helpful. I stopped trying to change him or get him to see things from a different perspective, but our relationship has still changed for the better because I've changed. Here's a link to my original Welcome Wagon post from a couple of years ago.

Welcome!

EmJay

Hi -
Maybe if you stay focued on just yourself during this time. I speak from experience and regret. I have learned the hard way - YOU or ME can not make anyone else do anything and what's more - YOU or Me have no right to. Perhaps if when you do talk with your SO you keep it focused on you only in that respect -- how you feel - what you think -- just you -- let him know the truth is you can't guess what anyone else is thinking or feeling - even if you love them very much - you really can't. Just keep it on you - and how you are trying to help yourself fix these things.
Hard to do - I know - like I said - I speak at this point - from regret.
Good luck

From a purely academic point of view, I'm the kind of person that would LOVE to know what the label or root cause of things is, especially things that are upsetting my life to such a degree. I burst into tears when I heard about BPD - finally I had something real, something tangible, something that was organized into a specific issue that could be dealt with, fought, overcome.

BUT I learned about BPD from a licensed therapist I actively sought help from. I don't know that I would have been so receptive coming from a loved one, especially someone I really cared about but was in the process of excising from my life.

That said, you know him better than any of us do (obviously.) If you write from a place of love and caring, you might have better results than this Peanut Gallery is prognosticating!

Since you're already shying away from naming BPD in the discussion, I would consider speaking to the issues instead of him. What I mean by that is, instead of saying "I think you have a fear of abandonment" you speak to the abandonment issue as you'd like to be spoken to in that situation. Maybe something like "I'm not rejecting you as a person. I care about you, I want you in my life. I don't want the behaviour though. If we can reach a place where the behaviour isn't present, I'd like to stay married to you."

Well, that's a pretty cruddy example (stupid migraine is addling my brain tonight) but you get the idea. Speak to the piece of him that's feeling rejected and abandoned & offer assurances and kindness to calm that part down a bit rather than telling the angry, beligerant man that he might be dealing with abandonment issues, possibly making him even angrier.

See where I'm going?

My concern with quoting Dr. Heller is that he is well-known. In fact, he's most well known for his work with BPD and personality disorders in general. So side-stepping around naming BPD to your husband, aren't you in effect telling him about BPD anyway? If your husband gets Dr. Heller's name and does any level of research on him, BPD is bound to come up. You've then effectively armchair-diagnosed him, haven't you? Is that likely to piss him off, that you side-stepped an issue like that, trying to sneak it in that you think he's got a personality disorder?

Around here, we work with The Five Steps. If you work the Steps, where do you end up on this issue? (Rhetorical question, needn't be answered here if you don't wish.)