BPDRecovery.com: Forums

My BP ex wife posts here and asked me to participate and suport her recovery. I am looking for advice on how I can help her. We have a daughter together and I still care for and love my ex very much. I divorced her out of desperation, and she agrees that perhaps the divorce helped her to see that BPD was a major factor in our break up. With that in mind, however, I do not wish to portrey her BPD as the only factor. I too have many of my own issues, and I do want to maintain a good relationship with her. I make no promises about the future, but do hold out hope and have an open mind about her recovery.
She and I have discussed her BPD at length, and we agree that she is an almost "text book" example of a person with BPD, with perhaps abandonment being her biggest issue. So, as you might guess, I harbor a lot of guilt by affectively abandoning her in perhaps her greatest time of need. At the time I felt I had little choice though. In her mind, I was constantly the villian who was one of many people who didnt understand her, or who were out to get her, or betray her. As much as I tried to protect her, I found that I was actually making things worse. I took strides to buffer her from my family (whom she felt hated her or judged her), and made it easy for her to not have to work or interact with other people. These actions probably made her more dependent on me while she was alternatly giving me signals that she didnt want me around or she would demand my full attention and respect. What a confusing life of mixed messages and "no win" situations I found myself in.
I had all but given up hope until the day she told me that she realized that she was in fact BPD. A few years ago a therapist mentioned to me (not her) that I might be dealing with a person who has BPD. When I relayed the thought to her, she completly rejected the notion, and we soon left that therapist. Any mention of BPD after that was never again brought up untll now......
The fact that she recognized what was going on, and that she now acknowleges it to ME of all people simply floored me. After many years of struggling, I feel that this step she has taken has a huge impact on everything. I am happy and proud that she has taken this step. I see her getting worse in some ways (I often fear for her safety), but overall, I see dedication and resolve in her.. And I want to help, not hinder, her progress for both her and our daughter. What I ask of this forum is for advice from those who understand what she is dealing with. I am HORRIBLE at putting up boundries. If people ask me to do things I tend to say yes without often times being able to be reasonable about what is being asked. I need some way of determining what boundries are reasonable in this type of situation.
So, my first question is: Am I just making things worse for her by standing by her right now. I am divorced, I made that decision for my health and for hers, BUT now I see her doing things that I have never seen from her before. I see her really working on dealing with this for the first time ever. She admits to a lot of behaviors and actions that were wrong and hurtfull to me (this is something that was UNHEARD of from her before), so I am (although a bit reserved) seeing real hope for her now. Please tell me, AM I GOING TO CAUSE HER MORE HARM THAN GOOD?

Hi Sorc -

There's a lot in your post. And you ask for some specific questions and made one comment that stands out quite a bit, that I'd like to address.

First - I am a bit concerned that both of you are here on this site, mainly because I can see the potential for it fueling current and past tensions for you both, rather than assisting either one of you. While it was a nice gesture for her to invite you here, I see it as a way of detracting from the work either of you have to do - niether of you can be too open with 'your version' for fear of upsetting the other; you both will be interested in what the other has to say. I just don't feel it will work out. I hope you will both reconsider.

Second - None of us can tell you if you will or are doing her harm or good. That is something for the two of you and a counselor to work on. You need to evaluate what you need and how you can best achieve that, then go after it. Your health and your recovery from your own issues are just as important as hers. If you both care about each other, which it seems you do, you will have plenty of time to reconnect. But doing so before you've each had a chance to work on things is only going to perpetuate what has been occuring to date.

Third - You say you are poor at setting boundaries. It's great you recognize this. And I think it is very important that you work on it-very. I too have difficulty with this, and feel it makes life pretty damn difficult.

I encourage you to work on yourself and do what works for you. The coming together is always an option.

I doubt any of what I've written is what either you or your x want to hear, but it's my honest opinion. I really don't see how either of you can work with the other within arms reach. Have you checked around the web to find other sites that may be of help to you ?