|
Hello all,
I have been looking for a borderline personality disorder board in order to get to know people like me, and to see how others handle the disorder. I know that it helps to know my story, so here it goes.
I began noticing symptoms of my mental illness when I was in 7th grade, which I have read is typical (adolescence to young adulthood). I was quite obsessive about things, weird things. I remember quite distinctly being really worried about dissecting a frog. I asked my parents questions every day, almost like an interrogation. I asked them questions over and over, the same question, like "do you think it will be gross? do you think people will throw up?" etc. I noticed my parents getting really tired of my questions and asking me to be quiet.
I guess I should back track a little when starting with the next portion and tell you that my parents have been divorced since I was four. My father is an alcoholic; he has been since before my parents were married. They divorced because he was violent and refused to get help for his addiction. When my mother asked him to go to AA, he said he would go, and while pretending to go, would attend the bar instead. He wrecked my mother's brand new car and would drive me as a baby around while drunk. My mother gave him an ultimatum and said he should either get help or lose his family. Basically, he chose alcohol and that is when my mother divorced him, got back together with a previous boyfriend, and we moved from New York to Florida. From the age of 4 till 7th grade, I saw my father once a year or every couple years, talking to him on the phone every once and a while, every few months or so. He would forget to call me on my birthday and on Christmas and wouldn't send me presents. My mother had to pretend presents were from him.
So here I get back to my story. Once I was in 7th grade, I was making attempts to talk to my father more. However, every time we would talk on the phone, it seemed that he was easily annoyed by me, and would get irritated at me, which would leave me sensitive and crying. My mother would come to my defense and yell at my father... everything was a mess. One night, almost out of the blue, it felt, after getting off the phone with my father after one of those calls, I became extremely depressed. I cried and cried, and screamed, and told my mother I wanted to die. I was up all night and refused to go to school for days. I stayed home and my mother made an appointment with my family doctor. I was put on medication, but I honestly forget what it was now. It was an anti-depressant, though.
It's been quite a while since that time, so I believe that the medication was working alright with me, and I also attended therapy. I went through a couple therapists, though, because I didn't like them and felt that they were "out to get me".
I had many unhealthy "boyfriend" relationships throughout high school. I was very into my boyfriends. They became my life, and I didn't want to do anything else but be with them. I would do anything they said, and ended up getting very depressed and worrying my family. I was honestly a mess. Because of my clingy nature I would lose my relationships and get in fights while in the relationships, and I honestly wish I never got into them at that age. I had a boyfriend for about a year, from February of my senior year in high school until December of my freshman year in college, and I adored him. However, my behavior in the fall semester of my freshman year of college became EXTREMELY depressed, anxiety-ridden, and even more clingy. I felt like my medication wasn't working (I had been on a few different types of medication throughout the years) and was crying almost all the time. My boyfriend broke up with me and I became horribly, terribly depressed.
We broke up the first week of December, which was the last week of my fall semester of my Freshman year of college. I couldn't get through anything. I wouldn't go to work, I would drive around town in my car crying and crying, and I would walk through my house screaming at the top of my lungs. I called my ex-boyfriend all the time (something I'm not proud of) and wanted him to get back with me. I would also talk to other guys during this whirlwind week, hoping to get attention. I don't even know I got through my exams and made good grades. I attended therapy for a couple days during that week with my mother's therapist (my mother has mental illness as well). The last day of finals, I went to therapy for the third time in a week. I explained how I felt, and my therapist suggested I go to the emergency room, ultimately, to be admitted for observation. It wasn't really a suggestion, however- If I didn't agree voluntarily, she was going to admit me under the Baker Act. I didn't want anything to get worse than it already was, so I agreed to go. My mother and my grandmother drove me to the hospital and I hung out in the emergency room for 7 or 8 hours, feeling really manic.
I fought with nurses because everything was taking so long. They gave me tranquilizers. I started feeling silly but was still very scared.
They decided that I was potentially harmful to myself and admitted me. They took my blood and then sent me to bed. I was in the hospital for a few days, and they ultimately diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and prescribed Lithium and Lexapro to me. After being on the medication for a while I felt way better. However, I was getting terrible heartburn and stomachaches from the Lithium, as my doctor hypothesized. I ended up stopping taking Lithium and ultimately leaving that doctor... I was having to take medication for heartburn for taking the Lithium, and I was "deathly" thirsty all the time. I felt like I wasn't living life. It was pretty physically terrible.
I went off both Lexapro and Lithium for a while. That was a mistake. I ended up hitting rock bottom again and felt like I was losing my mind. While on vacation in Indianapolis, I became severely depressed. Luckily, I was staying at my aunt's house, who is a nurse and works for NAMI. She had my mother Fed-Ex my medication and I started taking it again. I didn't eat for days and slept almost constantly. I started feeling better within a few days, however.
After taking the Lithium for a while, I decided the physical side effects were again too horrible for me. I dropped the Lithium, went to my regular doctor, and they decided I would take Lexapro. Even though I am way better on the Lexapro, I still have anger outbursts and I can get pretty violent (which I hope I can stop). I sometimes get very frustrated and act out by crying and punching things and saying that I want to kill myself (even though I wouldn't do it). I don't know why I do that and want to stop those things... but I just don't want to go on more medication right now. I want to see if there are ways to combat this by my own resolve instead of medication, although I will indefinitely stay on my Lexapro.
I am 19 years old, and a sophomore in college. I get A's and B's, and am generally happy. I do well in my job and am involved in extracurricular activities. Even though I would say I am doing pretty good, I still have some stuff to work on.
So nice to meet you guys.
|
FAQ
Register
Login
