BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi,I'm "KittyBootz",

Right now,I'm feeling very overwhelmed.Of course its a long story(and I'm SURE we all have one......)but I'm feelingtoo edgy and scattered to type it out.

OMG~I want to get better so badly.At this point "better" is even halfway functional,coping.......being somewhat "normal" or "average"..

I'm getting very scattered.O.K.I just turned 41,I am a mother,a wife.........I AM SO SCARED HOW MY BPD IS AFFECTING MY KIDS!

I really,really need to talk w/some others who are parents to find out how you manage,etc.

I also reallly,really need some friends,people who've been there and can empathize,

Right now,I feel I have no one to go to.

I think for maybe the 1st time in my life I truly want to get better!But on the other hand I feel like I'm standing on a fine line.I wont go into details,but I believe that probably others here have felt that way.

Um,sorry this is so scattered,I'm posting here instead of being overwhelmed with my "stuff" and freaking out.


Thanks In Advance,
KittyBootz


P.S>How do you help yourself and your family!!!! mg

I don't have kids, I'm sure others who do will be along in a moment, you may also want to post in "Season Passes" It's our area for help with interpersonal erlationships including parenting.

Welcome, I know it can be scary, but the tools (in the box on the left) really have helped me to be better.

Thanx for replying Kari!

Is about a half day later,right now I'm feeling okay~But thats the thing isn't it. Those emotions that are like cannon balls knocking you over!I guess thats a big issue w/people at this site!

thanks a lot,
KittyBootz

hell, i have 2 kids and 4 grandkids.

i took parenting classes...

what do you need to know? i think im a much better parent now than i ever was back when.

and welcome! good to meet you.

Hi Jodyisme,

Jody-spelled diff. is actually my given name.

What I really want to know is...How are your kids and grandkids now?Are they grown up?Physically and mentally healthy?

What about your spouse(if you aren't single)?Other family?

I have no siblings and I've been an orphan since I was 16.

I'm 40 now and let me tell you.Do I miss familial support.I look at my own parents ,and obviously there were problems........but in certain ways I want to be more like them.Functionality wise....I believe I'm more affectionate than my own Mom was.What I'm scared to death of is completely,utterly screwing up my kids.I want them to be better than me,happier than me etc.

I've gotta go now,
thanx for listening...

KittyBootz

my spouse is a N. narcissist. most of my stuff here is working on myself to deal with him. i basically married what i knew as a child. not smart.

my son is a tech sgt in the AF. my daughter has bi polar and some brain damage from meningitus. she has a history of bad post partum and after this second baby she had, she took a bottle of pills. she is better now and in counseling. she is med resistant. she can be a challenge, and yes i have guilt over her. she has married 2 abusers..just like i did.

i highly suggest, take parenting classes and get the super nanny book..by jo frost. they werent around when my kids were young, and i so wish they had been.

kids are really resilient.really work at parenting, once you learn what it is. read, read, etc.

my mom had brain damage from a car wreck and my dad was a alcoholic. both dysfunctional as hell. both passed on now. i am a only child.

if you care as much as you sound like, i do not think you will screw up your kids. just try. learn. hug. dont sweat the small stuff. dont spank. patience, remember they are kids, not small adults. they dont see the world as we do. and none of us is perfect.

((kitty))

This is not a unique concern, dear Bootz.

I understand you're apprehensive about how your personal struggles may affect your children, but I've gotta say - just the fact that your kids' emotional health and general happiness are this important to you indicates they're in good hands.

I detect a level of distress in your initial post, though, which makes me want to remind you that the aBsolute best thing you can do for your children is help their mother be as healthy and as happy as *she* can be.


you're doing good,
~ jr

it seems to be part genetic, part environment and part a X factor.

i have had the guilt trips, the wondering would my kids be better off without me as their mom..blame myself for every misstep they took.

but as my daughter tells me, once she was 18, its her choice then. whatever my parents did to me or didnt, they did the best they knew, and i cant use them as my excuse when i fuck up as a adult. im big on inner child stuff. we are always taught it is not a reason, just a explanation why we react sometimes how we do. and it can be changed. it is not set in stone.

i have seen kids raised in one helluva almost home, church going no cussing, nothing like that and end up a drug addicted stripper.

just do the best you can, keep healing and learning, and give lots of love and cuddles.

I'd say most of the problems I've had were dealing more with my H than with my son. That said, I will tell you that I was not diagnosed with BPD until I was 54 years old. So my son was grown by the time I got the diagnosis.

But my son grew up with a lot of love and support. No matter what was going on in my head, I never took it out on him. Any indication of stuff would be me having arguments with my H or me being in a depression. But the arguments never lasted long and we have been married almost 37 years. I haven't seen any residual problems on my son's part. My son has seen me in bad depressions, but I think he just accepted them. I'm sure life would have been better if I didn't have any of these problems, but nothing is perfect.

We can't MAKE our kids happy. We can provide them with love, support and guidance. We can try to be as stable as we can and not take our issues out on them. We can teach them that yes, Mommy has problems, but she still loves you and nothing will change that. Our kids are going to have bad days. Heck, they may have bad weeks. We can't take that away from them. But we can give them the tools they need to withstand those difficult times. They can know that their home is a save haven and that they can trust us.

My son is going to be 30 and thank G-d he is not like me. He may be a little sensitive, but he does not have BPD and has a pretty stable view of himself and the world. He has the tools he needs to get along.

I don't know how old your kids are, but what you can provide them with too are memories. Take them to the zoo, to the movies, to the park, to the beach. Play with them. Read to them. Talk to them. Those are the things they will remember when they become adults. Give them attention. That's what matters most. Kids want a stable base. They want to know they can count on you.

Thanx all,

Of course right this minute I'm freaking out......sitting here at the computer trying to deal.You know when so much is going on in your life that is going wrong (no $$,my illness, . DH out of work,and not even looking -yeah hes dysfunctional too,to a degree-I just wish I could be more "functionally dysfunctional" if that makes sense-so many folks may have emotional/mental issues,but still seem to be able to work,keep a clean home etc etc)

I'm worried about my little boy.He is 10,a 4th grader.He was very happy when little,now not.He started a new school this yr,a G&T program,went well in the beginning.It IS a longer day than hes used to,must be on the bus at
7:15 doesn't get home until 4:15.The 1 really good friend he made moved away.he's been sick a lot this yr,so DH just had a visit to the principals office saying that heCOULD be left back b/c he has missed so much school-he had chicken pox ,plus seems to get every virus thats been around.My son also has a disease the school(nor my son knows about-he has HCV-more guilt for meas I passed it to him in utero or via nursing)Meanwhile.my kid hasn't been doing homework -we just found out etc etc.He also tends to say "all or nothing "very BPD " statements(which he has picked up from me).Right now we have no insurance......I'm freaked,we said no more days out unless he's at deaths door and now he has a fever-I'm trying to keep from bugging out wondering if we should let the school know about the illness.DH (rightly)says we'll its not being decided 6:30 Mon morning.

I need calming
I need advice
I WANT MY MOMMY!!
I need to keep feeling I WOULD not be better off dead-thats its my way of (not)dealing....G-d,I would do just about anything to be "normal"


thanx,
KittyBootz

what is HCV?

hows come he had chicken pox? they get vaccinated for that now.

sorry, i sound nosy!

speaking for me, i can only tell you how hard i work at this every day. some days are better than others, always.

i also can tell you bpd is a personality disorder. not to be dxed until at least 21 to 25. the problem traits or behavior can be worked on, but kids do not have a formed, mature personality under their much older.

most states now have a "CHIPS" program to insure low income kids. with no income, it would be free for him.


we are normal. one thing i learned is i am never the only one in the world with my problems. this is normal. this is life. it is what it is. hard many days. a blessing and a joy ALL days. it isnt easy.

kids can not go to school sick. dont you have a way to get a drs note?

i am sorry things seem so hard. i am only trying to get you to see options, not minimizing your problems.

hang in there, your son deserves it. YOU deserve it.

Hi,

I feel soooooo much better now!I had a fairly productive day...............

HCV is Hepatitis C Virus,a chronic long term liver disease.He will probably/defineately need a liver transplant.


I "used" to be a junkie.I've been clean since before I got pg w/my kids.At least
I did that much (lol).......I knew you couldn't be any kind of parent and a stone cold dope fiend as well

I AM on opiate replacement therapy(methadone).Some people ( some of those hardcore NA types) don't consider that "clean",but some of them dont even like certain meds when they are needed and taken therapeutically-like certain anti-depressants and benzodiazapines.

We don't do most vaccinations.We've done a lot of research and believe this is best for our family right now.Other people believe differently and that is fine too.

I know he is too young to have a personality disorder, it is just an xtra kick in the pants too me about how much healthier I need to get,be a better parent,role model etc,-BUT I was thinking about it today and I can see the roots of my BPD when I was 11.Also when I was 18-20, this disorder was just getting bandied about (about 22-24 yrs ago? maybe)and getting a lot of press.I was, of course ,seeing a Psych,as usual,for depression,and kinda wondered to myself if it fit me,but often w/mental illnesses/disorders its easy to see oneself in many of them at times.

Its great your son is in the AF.My son's dream is to be a fighter pilot,and eventually an astronaut,but w/his liver disease we'll need a miracle.



I love him sooo much :biggrin He's a great l'il(not so li'l guy)guy.you know that "momlove" thing that just sweeps over you sometimes.


As far as your daughter I had bad post partum too w/my boy sooo much bfing issues-my girl(6) was born 1 1/2 wx before the towers got taken down.My DH worked at WTC and had told them he was taking a leave b/c when I had my son he was only given 1 day after we got home from the hospital .I was waiting for the LC to come over flicked on the set and BLAMMO!!! I started having terrible dreams of DH being dead down there etc. Little,by little I apparently got weirder and weirder........over the course of a couple yrs,DH told me some things I said and did(I cant believe it was me)b/c parts of my memory are just GONE.tHEY CALLED IT "PROGRESSIVE POSTPARTUM DISORDER" oops I think.

Anyhow,Ive gotta go,my girl is sick too,and napped a lot today-and we are trying to get her down to no avail.

Thank you so much,
KittyBootz

ah, hep C. my son in law is HIV+ and has hep C also. he also was a junkie. i can relate.

he is doing well, tho, now. long as he keeps trying. he has slipped occasionally.

i wish you the best...hang in there. check around for programs to help with medical and such, esp with the kids. my SIL gets his meds for 20$. and they are probably a few thousand a month without help.

i hope your kids get well soon. the shuttle is fixing to launch tonite. i hope you son gets to see it.

Hi,


Whats it like being a parent now that they are older?You talked about your dd's probs-are you at point where you don't torture yourself w/recriminations?(If in fact you ever did or do).Like sometimes intellectually I know whats right,not right, but maybe hmmm"appropriate" but the emotions
are overwhelming.

Did you do DBT?


When I left the hospital.I was in this thing "partial hospitalization" ,which was DBT.they wanted me to do all this stuff-fine I could see the benefit of it.But immediately,even though I was full time parent I had to get a job,and/or go to school IMMEDIATELY-like I could wave a magic wand and get a job in 2 days or smthng.I even offered to go volunteer at the Library or other place,but that wasn't good enough!.ALSO-they got angry b/c certain days I had to pick up and drop off my kids and there was no one else to do it.Literally,the.few people we could afford were completely untrustworthy.(we are SUPER CAREFUL when it comes to leaving our kids-I used to be a nanny/daycare worker,so....)I was completely ready to work around this.I thought I was being "responsible"........but I was accused of,I don't know,like trying to get around stuff....but you know,I actually wasn't!!! What made me mad was that I saw that they cut slack for other people in the program-who had even less "responsibilities".I understand that they wanted certain rigid rules etc,but at the same time you must be reasonable.....like expecting me to miss a court date!!!To go to treatment!I thought that was completely unreasonable,And I'm completely going OT



I didnt realize how much that still rankled.

Oh ,what is N.Narcissist?

Sorry if I'm nosy,but how are you all doing as a family unit?What about you and your H?Your H andthe kids.?Were you fairly "functional" when they were young(i.e. did you appear to be even if you felt like you were careening from crisis to crisis?Also,(once again sorry to be nosy)are you organized,have u learned to be...I 'm not a good housekeeper..but better than I was...I really need to be better organized and get rid of stuff I believe it would help me a lot.

Woo,I'm full of stuff this eve.

Jodyisme,I want to thank you again for answering my posts.It has meant a lot....as some have come while I was feeling rickety.The proverbial calming voice from beyond!

OK dont want to sound too crazy or over-the-top!

thank you!
KittyBootz

hi yas kitty.

wow, lets see. what is like being a parent now? i know much more and sometimes i wish i had been better when they were small. i have talked to my kids a lot tho and my daughter has taught me a lot. i use my parenting skills i learned every day with someone, i think. they are great skills to learn.

recriminations? not as much as i used to but i can still hit the guilt trip pretty good.

have i done DBT? no.

it does seem a lot have no concept of how much time it takes to be a parent. unless your rich and have a nanny to raise your kids for you, which im not and didnt...parenting takes time. im sorry others dont understand. i do hear you saying you are trying your ass off, and that is what counts. it is the people in denial who hurt their kids. we can always say.."im sorry. even adults have a bad time and say things they didnt mean. please forgive me" and kids will respond to that very well. it shows your human, how to apologize and own your behavior, and sets a excellent example for them. kids learn much more from what we DO, rather than what we say.

and how we look. imagine this giant person frowning or yelling a lot. how does that look to a small kid? scary as hell.

N is narcissist. yes. i have a good example of my H lately, as i got me a 05 VW and God forbid he doesnt buy himself a new truck now. brand new, of course. sighs. he is about to have a cow that i got something he didnt.

my H is not close to the kids at all. he has no idea how to relate to them. its sad, and his loss.

my H and i mostly live separate lives now. no one can deal with him since he retired. he is going over the top being mental since then and drinks daily.

am i organized? on the surface my house looks ok. its quite old tho and scruffy. in my drawers and closets is a disaster! lol. i really dont care, i prefer to spend my time with my granddaughters outside when we can and paying attention to them. kids carry clutter with them..its no big deal. pine sol or bleach sometimes on important surfaces,,,bathroom and kitchen, the rest just kick out of the way.

your fine. not over the top. not crazy. how i wish when my kids were small i had someone to ask things of! ask or vent all you want. i do not mind in the least

the bad parents are the ones who deny they have a problem. they know it all and expect their kids to be small adults. thats the bad ones. just giving love and hugs goes a long way with children. i bet your doing fine.

sometimes i dont know if i know what is right...i wasnt taught it....so i tend to doubt my own ideas or views a lot. i understand the adult part --intellectual--and the emotions. our goal is to integrate those into a mature adult.
((kitty))