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Hello everyone.

I have not been 'diagnosed' with bpd perse, because what I do for a living precludes me from getting sort of help with mental stuff, but I can tell you that from what I have read, and how shitty my life has been, that I can bet you 99.99999% that this is what I am.

I had a very abusive childhood, more psychological torture than physical, or at least that is what I remember most.

I started restricting my food at age 8, and began pulling out my hair by age 11. My family acted like nothing was the matter.

I was I guess 'gifted', so I was placed under an unbelievable amount of pressure at a very young age. Not being able to express my emotions, I suffered from ulcers at age 15, and all sorts of strange skin reactions that my doc called reactions to stress.

But I managed to cope somehow, and was left alone.

Drug and alcohol abuse followed, and suicide attempts not much after that.

I felt empty. Worthless. Like I took up too much space. I was so ashamed for being alive, and subjecting people to me.

Bounced from one major to another in uni. Just could not make up my mind. At all. I didnt' know who I was. Or who I am really.

I finally managed to finish something, and I guess it was the right thing, because it is the only thing in my life that I can't seem to walk away from. Even when I think I hate it, it pulls me back.

When people leave me (physically), when they get back they are strangers to me. Even my long term bf sees that when he just goes to work for the day. (I am off at the moment with an injury, so have too much time to think). I have been like this my entire life, I cant' remember any other way of dealing with people that have been absent. To me, whatever we had ceases to exist. And that is very frustrating, and scary.

When I went through the 15 types of disordered thinking recently, I had to laugh, because my first thought was.."well how else do you deal with things?" I have no other ways. Those are me. To a T. No escaping it.

I project like mad. That is all I do. I live in my own little world where people are only thinking what I think they are thinking about me. *sigh* It is exhausting. And demoralizing, because I sure don't think they are thinking nice things about me, do I? And frightening, because when I 'think' about it, I realize I really have no clue about anything. I only know what I think about things. I am isolated in my own mind.

A particular death recently hit me really, really hard. And after that I found everything went to shit. I guess it was just traumatic enough to bust up all my defenses. And I lay exposed. And unable to control my emotions at all. I raged. And raged. Work became unbearable. I was unable to deal with my superiors in a grown up fashion at all. Any criticism had me shaking and useless. And the voice in my head that shouts at me all day that I am a worthless piece of shit got louder and louder.

Anyway, after much research about why I do the things I do, I found this. And I think I found the answer. Now I just have to do the work.

And to be honest, it seems like almost too much to even contemplate.

But I will try. Because my life is not worth living like this anymore. I cant' take it. I just can't.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the long babble.

Hopefully I can find some answers, and help myself. Because that is the only way this will change.

Welcome to BPDR! This site offers you a number of tools that, if you practice the, can really help you. Check out the Tools box at the left side of this page. We also offer support as you try to work the tools and aim toward a happy, healthy life. I hope to see you participating around the board. jim

Hi fear, and welcome to BPDR. I hope you will find some good support and advice here.

It's too bad you are unable to get any professional help. Most of us find it pretty necessary to have some sort of therapy to help us along, and a good many of us take medication as well for depression and mood stabilization. But if you can't, you can't, and I guess it will be necessary to go to Plan B.

I guess if I were you I'd start by reading -- books, online, wherever. We have a great "bookstore" which lists a good number of books that people have found helpful -- not all deal directly with BPD, but they all relate somehow. A lot of people seem to like Lost in the Mirror, by Richard Moskovitz, and one I found useful is The Angry Heart, by Joseph Santoro. I'd suggest you *don't* read Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger -- it's designed for "nons," or people who don't have BPD but are in relationship with someone who is, and it paints us very, very negatively. (There are also websites for nons, and they can be pretty brutal too, so if you find yourself at one I'd suggest you skedaddle out of there.)

One form of therapy for people with BPD is called "DBT," which is a form of CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy. I know there are a couple of people here who have found an online DBT class, though I don't know the URL. If you are interested in checking something like that out, I'd post a request for information in the Resource Room.

Anyway, I'm glad you found us, and I wish you positive energy and healing.

thanks so much for the warm welcome guys.

And yeah, it isn't great that I can't get any professional help for this at this time. Though if I am unable to battle it on my own I may have to think about putting the job on the back burner. But I need money to live, so things would have to be pretty bad to consider just quitting. But if they were that bad I would have no choice I guess.

fortunately my bf (long time relationship, have no idea why he has stayed...) is very understanding, and wants more than anything to help me with this. And he was pretty much more aware of me having a problem long before I would even entertain the idea. So, hopefully having him help will make me more willing to put in the effort. (cause that little chick in my head is telling me I am fine thank you, and what the hell are you doing trying to change the good thing we have worked out)

Thanks for the book list, I will have to hit the store soon.

:biggrin

I only have one question for you. Who is John Galt?

:roflmao

Seriously though, I really relate to your story. It reminds me a lot of my own in many ways, except for finishing uni -- twenty years later, I'm still only halfway through.

You mentioned "15 types of disordered thinking" -- what is this list? Where can I find it online? (As you may notice, I like numbers around here: 4 agreements, 5 steps, 10 forms of twisted thinking!)

And of course, :welcome

sure thing.

they can be found here: http://borderlinepersonality.ca/board/i ... topic=74.0

And here is the list.

1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation.

2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black and white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground.

3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.

4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine what people are feeling about you.

5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what-ifs". What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?

6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do or say is directed towards you or is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.

7. Control Fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you.

8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but other people won't agree with you.

9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain o rtake the other tack and blame yourself for every problem or reversal.

10. Should's: You have a list of iron-clad rules about how you or other people SHOULD act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.

11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe what you feel must be true. If you feel stupid and boring, you must be.

12. Fallacy of Change: You expect other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. Y ou need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem so entirely dependant on them.

13. Global Labelling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment.

14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any lengths to demonstate your rightness.

15. Heaven's Reward Fallacy: You expect all of your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off as if someone was keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn't come.

The last one made me shake my head. How did they know? LOL

Welcome F&L. This is a wonderful place to start working on yourself. I hope you get a lot out of it.

Cool, thanks for the link and the list. It seems to parallel nicely with the 10 forms of twisted thinking Dr. David Burns talked about in his "Feeling Good Handbook."

you are very welcome. :biggrin