BPDRecovery.com: Forums

My name is Michelle. Im 24 years old. Im a wife and a mother of two toddlers. I also feel like Im going crazy.

I had a normal midwestern upbringing. Happy healthy active. I did good in school. I was on many sports teams. Had a bunch of friends. I didn't see my Dad too much. He was always on the nightshift and always pulling in extra hours so he could support us. My mom was a seamstress until I was in 4th grade then she went back to school to become a pharmacist. I have a younger brother. He is 15 months younger then me. From the time we were 9 and 10 years old we pretty much took care of ourselves. We wern't abandonded, they were both trying to work hard to make our lives better.

In 4th grade I noticed the line drawn between popular and everyone else. I started lying about school and homework and I began a very nasty curve of failing school. I also started stealing ciggerettes from my mom around this time. I began binge eating and started to dislike things about myself. When I was in 10th grade I started self mutilation, nothing suicidal just barely breaking skin most times. I probably did it for attention. I was hospitalized and heavily medicated. After being in there a few days I started to get scared of leaving the hospital and going back in the real world so I made up lies to make the doctor think there was something else wrong to keep me longer. The same happend when I was in 11th grade. I was hospitalized again and when I found out I was being sent home I cut myself very badly in hopes of getting to stay longer but I was sent home anyways.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was in 9th grade. The doctor gave my mom a book called I hate you Don't leave me. I played along and took my meds and faked getting better so I could just be left alone. I felt like a freak at school because everyone knew.

Now the other night I (for lack of a better word) flipped out on someone very dear to me. And after I had left for a while I couldn't believe that I would ever say or react like that. My world right now is one explosive blowup after another. I have such uncontrolable anger. And it spikes out of nowhere. I keep getting upset because I have thoughs of my husband leaving me. Not that he leaves me as in divorces me but leaves me as in geting into a car wreck and dying. If he is even 30 minutes late I start imagingin all the horrible things that could have happend to him on the way home. I am paranoid, I am hurting and I feel very alone in this.

Im terrified I will lose everything before I can make it all better. I feel so worthless, and useless. I have the mindset of who would want me. And I feel greatful when someone pays attention to me. For the longest time I kept telling myself everyone was like this and I needed to just deal with it but I cant. And I have no idea what to do from here. Hopeless. Defeated. Embarassed. So many other things churning and making me feel sick.

So many more smaller more insignificant things that I don't like or I think is wrong but this is probably an ok start. I found this website and im grabbing onto it like a lifejacket thrown in the water. Even if it helps me take that one first step its worth it.

And to whoever came up with it. Bless you.

Hi Laiy. Welcome to BPDR.

I am not a therapist and have no medical training, but what you describe fits the category of BPD pretty well. The fear of abandonment either real or imagined can be very frightening.

It sounds as though you prefer a very stable and structured life, given you preferred to stay in the hospital rather than go home during the two times you were hospitalized.

Are you in therapy now? Are you on any meds?

Even though you said you faked it, did you take the meds that were prescribed to you? If so, did they help you feel better?

Noodle around in the "Tools" section and see what we encourage members of this community to use when faced with difficult situation. Most importantly, try to work on one thing at a time rather than looking at the entire laundry list of stuff that you feel you're facing.

See you around the board.

I am not in any kind of therapy, nor am I on medication. I used to be on Zoloft 100mg but i didnt really notice a difference. I don't know if my family noticed one either.

I did take the meds because my Mom counted them every morning. But like i said I never noticed any change to how I felt. I don't remembering feeling so explosive but i still felt very depressed and yuck..

I have been reading the tools section and also browsing other people posts on working through issues. It is simply amazing to see others work through issues. When I am in the exploding stage I don't think I could shake myself out of it long enough to realize that I am being irrational.

What has me overly stressed and flustered is my husband was told he would either be laid off or we had to transfer. So we are moving to a totally different state where neither of us know anyone. Where we live now we have all my family. I am stressed and overwhelmed. And I big trigger of mine is when im overwhelmed. I musch prefer being told what to do. being taken care of. But my husband doesnt have the time to do any of the details. I have hurt a lot of people recently.


Thank you very much for the warm welcome and suggestions. I am so lost and confused I really appreciate your time.

Have you considered locating a therapist to help you deal with the transition?

It's understandable that you'd be going through a difficult time given your husband may be laid off or transferred to a new a different place. You and your family are facing a challenge. This is a situation where you may be able to use the Five Steps. An important thing is to remember that you are unable to control everything, so you can really only work on what is within your control. How you react to the pending situation is what is within your control.

Folks here didn't join the community and seconds later they were able to work the Tools. Everything takes time and patience. Most importantly, you should be patient with yourself. The Tools are easier to use as you continue to apply them to your own situations.

When the world seems incredibly overwhelming, it's awesome to take baby steps.

Dear, I have moved many, many times. I have needed the help of aT to help with the transition. Moving is a big deal and requires a lot of strength. I too, am one who relies heavily on my H - I always have.

Again, yes, do things in small steps. Since you have access to the Internet, search for the city you are moving to. Look up as much as you can. What neighborhoods do you want to live in? Are there religious institutions you might be able to join? What about the schools? You can start with these things.

Also, I would suggest you locate a T. It sounds like you might benefit from medication. Besides finding a T, you might need a pdoc to help you with meds. Psychiatrists are much better trained to deal with psychiatric drugs than family doctors. My family doctor would never prescribe me psychiatric drugs - he referred me to a pdoc.

Does the area you're moving to have a big medical center and/or medical school? You can start there to locate a psychiatrist. And they might have referrals for you to find a good T.

I hope you start to work this out. It can be done - just take things one day at a time and try to focus on the most important issues at a time.

Oh yes. We are moving to a very very large city. And we have already secured our place to live. We have already gotten our current house figured out. This is actually the first time in my life where everything is falling perfectly into place. We are ready other then the rest of the packing and the actual move.

After my realization the other night that I did need to find some help soon I decided to wait until we got to our new home to look for doctors. We are moving on April 2nd. I just dont have time nor the want to find someone I really like then have to leave them.

I like the idea of calling a medical center. I will have to do that.

Hi Laiy.

I can relate to quite a bit of your story, especially the misplaced rage, ugh.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi.

and good luck with the move.