BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everybody. I just thought I would join the group since my life is falling apart, I've been in and out of shrink offices for about 10 years now- been called everything from depressed, mild bi-polar, cyclothimic and now Borderline. After taking all of the best anti-depressants (prozac, paxil, wellbutrin, zoloft, effexor, lexapro and probably the one with least side effects: cymbalta also most recent) and getting little result, I believe that I may have a personality disorder. To say which one for sure is very hard. The categorization in the DSM IV is a joke- a spectrum scale of symptoms would work better in my opinion. But it doesn't matter as long as there is a problem, it's a problem needing fixing and if it can't be fixed it needs to be removed. My official current diagnosis is cyclothymia:

http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md03.html

...for the curious. But it's not about what's wrong, it's about being able to deal with your life. I have no relationship with my immediate family, I'm 29 years old. I have chronic problems with controlling my mouth at work, followed by crying spells in front of coworkers... I have unrelenting guilt, bad personal relationships, chronic infidelity, compulsive lying, alcoholism and I often feel suicidal. The worst part is that it all affects me so much and in turn I don't care about any of it. I thought about burning local demolition sites and have thrown out all remnants of my past (school records, yearbooks, sketch books, pictures, heirlooms, etc...) I'm on the edge and I laugh at videos of explosions on youtube. You would hate to be around me, I do.

I don't give an F anymore, pleased to meet you...

Hi & welcome.

The label isn't really all that important. Just knowing that one has a problem (or problems) and that you want to change it, is a good place to start. This board is for anybody, BPD or not. The tools on the left are pretty handy and can help anybody, labelled or otherwise.

Look forward to seeing you around the board.

I feel very welcomed to get a reply so quickly. I have actually been reading the website:

http://www.bpdfamily.org/index.php

I have a terrible relationship with my astranged family who resides all across the USA and my parents had everything they knew destroyed in Katrina. I hate how I make them feel because I can't visit anymore (I had a breakdown in CA 2004). I have some cousins in Chicago and still can't do Christmas, all other holidays I get diarrhea and feel sick without fail (this happened again at Easter although I was happy to be with my cousins, and I told them that holidays hurt.) I love my family and they are dysfunctional, but I feel that my absence has hurt them more, but also I feel that my presence, with anyone, also leads to hurt in so many worse ways.

I'm looking for healing and I need support.

Presstoe, you sound like you're really suffering. Has the doctor who is currently prescribing your meds talked about mood stabilizers like Lamictal at all? I never had any luck with the newer antidepressants, including Cymbalta.

From what I've read, Cyclothemia isn't very responsive to meds. But, as you say, it's not about what's wrong, but being able to deal with it. I do think the tools and ideas here will be helpful to you, no matter which diagnosis fits best, and with or without also using meds.

Thanks for all the welcomes- I'm doing my best and will no doubt have mood swings even on the message board so forgive me for that. Just reading other people's posts has made me feel a little less alone. I have a friend who is taking Lamictal- I'd never heard of it before. She's one of my former clients who also has mild MR and mild CP. I never knew exactly what the Lamictal was for but recently she told me it was for depression, however, in working with her I saw a lot of mood swings. I'm sure she has more than just depression.

Thanks again!

hello presstoe,
i, too, have been having inappropriate crying spells at work and difficulty with chronic infidelity ('just in case this relationship goes bad...') - i often feel that i'm completely underqualified to do anything that i'm doing at work and that at any moment the whole house of cards will tumble down around me, and chronically thinking of 1) escape plans 2)suicide or 3) plain old self destruction. anyhow, you stuck a chord, and it's nice to be able to talk.

p.s: as far as meds go, i'm assuming that we can discuss them here? so i've found that seroquel is acutally somewhat helpful as far as mood lability goes, for me, so far.

Hi cricketeeny,

Yeah, I trashed my apartment, took a bath with an uncircumcised man over tea, tried to over tranquilize myself and was suspended from my job for an angry outburst all in the last in 48 hours. My BF knows very little. I think I can relate to infidelity except we did not have intercourse or even kiss. I know I have problem and I feel bi-polar at times but what does a label mean anyway?

Hang in there!

Hello presstoe,
Oh boy, that sounds sooo like me! I too have no real relationship w/my family. They live in Europe and I have not seen them for over 7 years (can't afford it) but it does not really bother me. I have never been able to connect with anyone, ever. The only feelings I know are rage, fury, anger, desperation and the likes. And I also feel that nothing really matters since the constant pressure is just too much most of the time.
As for the correct diagnosis, the different disorders are overlapping as far as the symptoms are concered and many therapists not only get it wrong but tend to not give us a chance because BPD is so hard to treat. From what I know, the best chance is DBT but there are not many Ts around who offer it. In my area, there are about 2 and my insurance does not cover the costs. They put bandages on the wound and the suffering wears you out.... Hang in there, though, we are all worth it, no matter what anyone says!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!