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Since i was 17, i have had problems with depression and anxiety. i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder because my mood would frequently change. i would be on top of the world one day and wanting to end my life the next.
as an adolescent i was a straight A student and a 'goodie two shoes' (no swearing, no drinking, no sex).

once my problems with depression and anxiety began i started 'blood letting', next i would overdose impulsively without really knowing why. i started college and would have difficulty coaxing myself to go to class-if i missed one class i would be so frustrated with myself i would not attend any classes. i spiraled down eventually attempting to end my life. soon after that, during one of my first experiences with drinking, i was date raped... after that i became permiscuous. because i thought that if i could please someone sexually, they would want to keep me around...

I was eventually put into an apartment funded by the state and became basically a ward of the state. things still didn't improve and i was temporarily placed in a group home. my father, who was at that time in the military, got stationed elsewhere. Though my relationship with my parents was difficult, i was released from that states custody so that i could move with my family.

i was 20. shortly after moving across the country, i left my parents home because i felt deeply hurt by everyone in the home. i immediately began working and in a short amount of time i had my own apartment. then i lost my job and od'd. not wanting to have anything to do with the state, i told the doctor that it was only the medication that made me irrational... and for the next three years i cycled up and down, either functioning very well or not at all. i managed to stay out of the hospital until feb of this year. just over a week after my hospitalization i was raped. less than a week after the rape, i was fired.

i am 23 years old... a lot of my risky behavior has diminished, but i still find myself in places or situations that i shouldn't be in. i was again released from the hospital (last sunday), and now find myself in complete confusion. because of my problems w/ anxiety i hate asking for help and i feel extraordinarily guilty if i receive it. i have been having panic attacks nearly every day. there is nothing in this world that doesn't trigger my feelings of anxiety. the kicker is that i know i have the ability to be successful, but i no longer have the drive. i've alienated myself from my friends and family... my 'cycles' aren't only involving my mood-they affect everyone and everything around me.

i have no job, i'm afraid to even look for one. i have no one to turn to because i feel like i can't trust anyone... i fear i will lose my apartment soon and then what? will i have the courage to keep from killing myself if i am forced to live in a homeless shelter?? did you know that even in a homeless shelter you are required to work?? i wish there was some kind of long term facility for people like me.. .people that find life so excruciating they would rather die than face it. i am still here because i could never be that selfish... i know my family loves me and i will not abandon them... (or at least that is what i keep telling myself)....

even this site is making me anxious now... i have been reading the forums, waiting for a response to my post... i even started to make another post, but soon became too embarrased to do so. i just feel like no one will understand me, that i'm 'crazy', that i don't deserve to be listened to... i hate how i internalize all of this and instead of being able to focus on other people i am focused on me. it makes me feel selfish which adds to more self loathing. and i just got a phone call i have been waiting on all week for financial assistance, they don't have the funds to help me. someone please say something.

Hi crystalcries,

It's a Friday night and not many people are on the board right now. This isn't like a chat board where you'll get quick responses most of the time. Please, don't take it personally.

With that said, welcome! I think most of us here have felt crazy at one point or another. You aren't alone. Don't be embarrassed to post. Everybody is here for the same reasons you are and will listen to what you have to say, and share if they have something to share with you.

I hope your anxiety lessens, crystal.

Dear Crystal,

I'm a 29 year old female and your story sounds like my life. Many of the same things have happened, with only one hospitalization. I used to drink a lot and now I still drink but not as much- the drinking was always because of the unrelenting anxiety and going in circles about what I've done or should have done.

I understand your online anxiety, and waiting for a response. The best advice I have for that is not to read into what you think people are thinking on the board just because you haven't gotten a response yet. My family is scattered across the country- 3 brothers and my parents, a few cousins- all of them email CONSTANTLY. I would send them emails and not get a reply and go thru the same anxiety. I hated seeing my nephews grow up and not being there. I hated being the only one in the email loop without baby pics to show. I was constantly paraniod if they were sending my emails secretly to each other and all kinds of thoughts raced in my brain. About 1.5 years ago I sent an email to the whole family telling that I was blocking all of their addresses and why. It was hard at first, but then they learned to mail holiday cards and talk on the phone and my anxiety went away for the most part. I needed that more personal touch from them, and I think they did understand.

I'm telling you this story and about me so you don't feel alone. You should try to take care of yourself first before worrying about "abandoning" your family. I believe you when you say that your family life at home was upsetting and you had to get away. As much as we love our families, they may be the cause of some of our depression and anxiety. You're young (I'm young too) and these issues are overwhelming, it's going to take time. Hopefully if you assert yourself and explain to your family your shortcomings and what you need to do for yourself, they shouldn't feel abandoned by you stepping back to take care of yourself.

Keep posting because I think your story here describes very accurately how many of us may feel at times and writing it down will help you regardless of the replies- the replies are an added bonus. I'm new here too and I'm impressed by the comfort I feel here. Some online interactions can feel very hostile, but I think there are some very smart people here working on their issues who can agree to disagree without attacking. Lots of thoughtful discussion and I hope it will help you to be a part of it!

Congrats on getting out and hang in there! Welcome!

thanks for the kind words! i have calmed down quite a bit. (yes drinking helps a lot)... i used to drink a lot also presstoe-now i never buy it because i will drink alone until i pass out.. same thing with mj... i recently started using that as a stress reliever, though i never buy it or posses, a friend of mine (the one person i can be comfortable around-most of the time.. ) never hesitates to share..
i try to keep my self medicating to a minimum, but surprisingly my vices, though i don't personally provide them, always seem to be in abundance. that may be part of my problem.
the thing is my medications don't work.. my mind races that much. even when i was in the hospital i was having severe panic attacks.
the recent rape has really affected me in a way i didn't expect. also, the manner in which i was fired. i was reading somewhere that women with bpd were much more likely to be raped than the average person, it makes sense.. i am going to try and share some things on here-because i logically know (expecially after reading the kind responses i received) no one here is going to be critical of me.
I wanted to share with you presstoe, that though my family is 'difficult', we do have a relationship. i also read somewhere that those with bpd likely were abused sexually or otherwise... my anxiety began when i was 5 and another kid in daycare (an older male-that's all i remember) molested me. even at such a young age, i lied about it to my mother. i had developed an infection and my mom directly asked me if anyone touched me--i lied because i felt guilty.
growning up, my parents misunderstood my anxiety. i would get punished all the way up until i was an adult for my panic attacks. i look back and i see that my parents should have gotten help for me (one time i even begged my mom to take me to a hospital) my mother was so worried of the stigma of a 'crazy' daughter she actually bought me ice cream and told me to wait until my father got back from the field.
now my relationship with my parents is okay.... still difficult, but okay. they refuse to support me though--they raised me to be independent and they believe it would be better for me to work through things on my own. i try so hard to explain to them how i feel, but they always seem to let me down-most recently when i asked if i could move in with them.
now as far as the rape and firing go, the two go hand in hand. when i was raped.... i was with three men. my memory is completely gone from about 7pm until nearly 2 in the morning. i was found nude and crying for help on the local military base. i had no recollection of how i came to be on the base, i can't even remember being transferred to the hospital via ambulance-the most i remember is vaguely crying for help and i can almost picture myself being in the fetal position crying as i was being kicked (that memory came after i was told that i reported being kicked when i was brought into the hospital and also when the investigator asked me specific question concerning what the men's 'story' was and the fact i had bruises) i had expressed to the guys i was with that i was not there to 'hook up' with anyone - something i feel necessary to say before drinking with men so i don't feel obligated to do anything when someone does come onto me.
the investigator on the case has been very helpful, she is going to meet with me and jag and explain what the investigation found. i have at least been told that the men are going to be punished.
i was fired basically because i was raped. that and there were little mice that told my manager lies concerning my behavior (i suspect it was out of jealousy) i have never been confident enough to accuse someone of being jealous of me, but in my job as an insurance agent i was by far the most successful individual in the agency. i also suspect that people couldn't understand how someone who was so successful could be having such acute mental distress. when i got fired my boss called it fraternization... but none of the men were my clients nor had i met them at work. (we sold life insurance strictly to military). my boss actually yelled at me as i cried in disbelief of what was happening.
so that brings me to now. i am trying not to put pressure on myself, but there is an enormous pressure-the threat of eviction can do that to a person i guess. i had achieved so much success in my job that it really hurt me and shocked me when i was fired because what happened to me would make clients weary of the business... it hurt that my integrity was called into question. that job meant so much to me--after the rape i was there working every shift-i even made a sale hours after the incident had occurred.
i really have been writing a lot, if anyone has read this far i applaud you!
there is so much more i want to share--i have always been this open and trusting, i find it to be a huge weight off my shoulders when i talk about my problems... but as i've learned i can't afford to be so trusting.. (here is okay, right?)
i like what you said, presstoe, about responses being an added bonus. one of the things about having this sort of mental distress is the paranoia of calling attention to yourself--when you reach out you are most vulnerable to criticism/rejection and for many of us i think the fear of rejection is huge...
i'm glad i got all of that out and i look forward to using this forum as a tool in my struggle to dig myself out of the hole i have found myself in. discovering existence bpd is the best thing that has happened to me in quite some time.
oh and presstoe--when i am distressed, the last thing i want to do is talk to people i care about... for instance i keep in touch with my grandmother via phone; if i am depressed i won't even answer her calls-i don't want her to see me like that and i can't just pretend like everything is okay when it's not. which brings me back to the issue of feeling selfish.
lol i better stop before i get a cramp in my fingers!!! thanks again for the kind words, it means a lot knowing that you understand. my only hope is that i can offer others as much kindness/advice as has been given to me.

Welcome to BPDR! :wave I'm in the UK so I was fast asleep when you posted. My meds really knock me out for the count.

I'm so sorry to hear about the rapes and sexual abuse. (((Crystal)))

If you haven't already done so, take a look at the tools in the box to the left of this page. A lot of us find them really helpful.

Looking forward to getting to know you!

Welcome on!
You are NOT alone.

i just wanted to share that i got offered my job back today!! i am eternally thankful for this second chance... this gives me a reason to care about myself and motivation to work on my issues. as i said before thanks for all the kind words. Echos, i looked at the tool box--it is helpful.

Because you directed some of your reply to me, I read your whole post! Yeah, it was long and when I saw the sheer size of it visually, I thought- oh God... no... but it was actually a really great post. I'm glad you elaborated on your rape incident- all of it sucks!

I'm sure you will get a better job moving forward. In a way it's good you got fired because the atmosphere you were working in sounded kind of unfriendly with all of the gossip and your boss sounded like an ass.

I work with people who have developmental disabilities like mental retardation, cerebral palsy and Down Syndrome. It's the best job I've ever had, even with the typical work gossip crap. The clients just have so much joy in-spite of their condition and it can warm your heart all day long doing the messiest and most difficult tasks to care for and teach them. Maybe this could be a field that would interest you since you have survived so much. It's also a job that is very hard to get fired from because most places are usually short of staff and since all the managers and directors see crazy behaviors all the time from the clients, nothing the staff can do really phases them. I've had angry outbursts and crying fits in front of Directors at my job and faired ok in the end after apologizing and showing an effort to communicate better moving forward.

Good luck Crystal.

presstoe, in the post above yours, i announced that i got my job back. what you pointed out though, is what has been causing me anxiety-i am going back to the high pressure and gossip-not to mention my boss. the reason why i am accepting the job is because i made more money selling insurance than i could make anywhere else, my manager's wife told me that i was good enough to have my own office one day!

i am not going to be friends with any co-workers, i am gonna keep my head down and objectively do my job. that is the easiest way i can lower my stress level. the more successful i am the better i feel, success breeds success...

if it doesn't pan out, i will look into something similar to what you mentioned. actually the hospital where i have gone impatient at has a position 'Patient Care Assistant' that require no previous experience and would allow me the same ability to work with people who need help.

Developmentally disabled people give back a lot of love so the burn out is less...

You will make more money at lower paying job that you enjoy than a high paying job that will eventually lose you. Follow your heart and all things will work out when your comfortable and your stress has been reduced. You will find shelter and succeed when you trust yourself.

XOXOXOXO

Crystalcries,

wow, until you mentioned the 5 year old daycare molestation incident, i didn't even realize that the same thing happened to me! but i felt embarrassed and scared and i didn't know how to tell the teacher! Thank you for sharing your story, it is very helpful.