really felt like i was the only one

redhead76839 · **Joined:** Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:59 am **Posts:** 2

hi everyone, thought id join this site coz after years of various diagnoses ive discovered that BPD rings true for me in almost every single way. Ive met people who are labelled as "depressed" or "mood disordered" but theres always been something different between me and them, something that never seems to ring true with anyone else and something that makes me feel incredibly isolated.

Until now the places ive been in in my life have given me the opportunity to keep all my issues more or less covered up. I did 2 out of 3 yrs at uni. However, in the end my emotions and inability to deal with relationships breakin down and being alone got the better of me and i left. At uni, i could skip a week of lectures and this wouldnt have a huge effect in terms of how others viewed my ability to cope. On leaving uni however ive been thrown into the world of employment and now im really scared. I did a bit of charity work and had to stop that after 3 months after a relationship breakdown. Losing this person sapped all my meaning from my life and ability to cope. i just couldnt do my work anymore.

Right now im at the beginning of recovery. Im seeing a counsellor and soon i'll be seeing a clinical psychologist. Ive also just started a new job and am terrified im gonna lose this job before i see any effect from the therapy. If i lose this i really dont know what i'll do.

everythings just really up in the air and seems impossible right now

Trinity · **Posted:** Thu Apr 10, 2008 5:04 pm

Hi Redhead and welcome!

I know how isolating it can be to think you're the only one. But you're not. There's (unfortunately) a great number of us. Good thing is that here we're working on making our lives better. I hope this place helps you as much as it's helped me.

Whelming · **Posted:** Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:22 pm

hey Redhead

this will be my first post here. I'm actually a redheaded girl myself, from Canada, age 24 with BPD (diagnosed at age 19).

I only got through 6 months of Animation School before I had to drop out. i ended up moving in with an old friend of mine and we got involved. I became so insane over a 2 month period he had my things packed up and moved out to my parents' house when I was away for a doctors' appointment. It was at this point that my parents couldnt take my behaviour any longer (understandably so) and they also told me to take a hike (thankfully they let me store my belongings)

It was at this point that rock bottom was hit (living on the street, no medication of any kind, no therapy/support) BUT after 9 months I decided I refused to drop anchor, and finally got myself together. I bought two books, "the angry heart" and "biological unhappiness" (though i will note here there are much better books available now, this is just all i could find at shops in my town) but they still help immensely.

For me, personally, the thing that helped me the most when finally accepting and dealing with my diagnosis was facing the things that I do wrong (mostly the way I treat/manipulate/handle people/relationships)- I don't allow myself to feel like a bad person because of it, but I do force myself to face it so I will feel a true shame and learn. Over the years I've had to face memories of awful, vicious, monstorous things that I'd done to people, things I always eventually ended up doing, things that happen in cycles that my brain is too erratic to follow. Keep a journal, and psychoanalyze everything you do. BP's are capable of doing the cruelest, almost Sociopathic things to people. The difference, thankfully for us is that we can feel remorse- but we have to allow ourselves to feel it and MOST IMPORTANTLY learn to 'forgive' ourselves for it (I'm not telling you to make yourself LIKE the wrong things youve done, but you have to think about them explicitly enough so you can let go of them WHILE still not allowing yourself to get into an obsessive thought loop of self hatred.)

You cant let go of things you haven't allowed yourself to mull over extensively and a big part of getting through this illness is learning that grudges and hang-ups are a thing of the teen years.

so, welcome <3

-B

Sari · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 1059

Hi to both of you!

cricketeeny · **Posted:** Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:46 am

so pleased to meet you. i also worry about my ability to cope as now i have a regular, good job, and my emotions run rampant sometimes (both at and outside of work) - a tumultuous relationship with on again/off again BF has lead me to cry at work sometimes (inappropiate!).... it does probably add a needed structure to my days, though, since i can easily hide under the covers for a few days and block out the world with ativan, my usual way of dealing with things. pretty classy. even with having a son, who my dear ex-husband takes pretty much all the time.

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really felt like i was the only one

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