BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everyone,
I am new to this board and am so happy to have found it.

My history is way too long to post here now and I don't have the concentration to do so right now anyway, so I'm going to cut to the present.

I'm a 40 yr old wife and mother that was diagnosed BPD about 4 years ago. I am not in T or on meds right now, but boy do I need to be!

I have just seperated from my Husband. My teenage children live with their Dad 10 hours away and I am living in a state where I know absolutely no one. I am totally alone.

I realize that I have pushed every single person in my life away from me. I have no friends and now I will be an ex-wife very soon. It's exactly what I didn't want, but I have accomplished it with my irrational acts.

Now, I am in the deepest pit of despair. I really need some help!

My life is in shambles and I don't have the strength to do much of anything. I brought myself to call a therapist today (I do not know any therapists in this area) out of the phone book and had to leave a message. I haven't heard back from them and that threw me into a full blown panic attack.

There are a million things that I need to be doing right now. If I don't get to it, my job will be in jeopardy (I work from home). I know this, but I still can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know where my husband is and have no way of contacting him. He despises me anyway, so I don't think he would talk to me even if I could get a hold of him.

It crossed my mind to go to the emergency room, but I can't bring myself to do it. It would be so embarassing and I doubt they would do anything for me anyway.

I made an appt with my medical doc, but couldn't get in until tomorrow. My feelings right now are urgent! I really need to talk to someone.

My moods are all over the place and it's scaring me. I'm truly frightened, shaking and crying and I can't seem to make myself calm down.

So far, I've tried journaling, meditating and taking a hot bath. Any other suggestions to get me through tomorrow morning when I can go to the doc and hopefully get put on something that will help?

I'm not thinking very clearly, so please excuse the jumbled post. I am all over the place!

Hi pss. You have the same initials as my mother! They made me smile!

I'm glad you have an appt. with your doctor tomorrow. Perhaps he/she can connect you with a therapist. If not, is there a mental health unit of your local hospital? That's how I found my first therapist - I asked them for the names of a few therapists in my area. Then I just chose one from the list.

Sometimes T's are busy during the day and can't make calls until office hours are over. So don't despair - the T may still call you back. You can also go on-line and look up T's in your area. I think the American Psychological Association has a list too.

It seems you're doing good things to get you through the day until tomorrow. Just keep doing what you're doing. Breathe, try to stay calm. Can you concentrate enough to read or watch TV? That might make the time go faster until your appointment. The journaling is also a good idea.

Even though things may not have gone well for you in the past, it seems that you are aware of what you need to do now. Try to think about positive steps you can take to make things better for yourself. Have you read the Tools section on the left side of the page? That can also help you.

Keep writing here if you need to. We're all here for you. The Board may be quiet now but it will pick up and more people will arrive soon. You'll be fine!

Hi bordergirl,
Thank you for the support. It means the world to me right now.

Well, I finally dug around and found a pain pill and it calmed me down some. Probably not the best thing to do, but I am still breathing!

After that took effect, I went ahead and made a short list of things to do and I have almost completed them. So, I know that if my dr gives me something to calm me down a bit, I will be in much better shape. The anxiety is killer.

I definitely plan on asking my dr tomorrow for a list of therapists or better yet, who he would recommend. I'm in serious need of therapy and I have let it go on way too long.

I can't believe that I have been in denial for 2 years. I felt so good during therapy and taking meds I thought I was cured! I quit everything and look where I am now.

I have gone through some of the tools section and will continue to do so. I sold all of my books thinking I no longer needed them and how I wish I still had them to read!

I'm sorry that I came off so desperate, but that is really the way I felt at the time. It's like a jump from being desperate to being strong, back to being depressed and then relieved. I am totally out of control. I don't know if I have ever been in this bad of shape before emotionally.

I'm trying to eat at least once a day, but I have no appetite. I can drink beer though and quite a bit of it! I am also smoking twice as much as I normally do. I can't believe I just admitted all of that, but it feels good to not hold it in and keep it secret.

Thanks again for listening to me and responding. It helps so much just to know there is someone there...even if I don't know them, I know they understand the feelings and may have even been there before. I am so needy, it is really sad.

One thing you might want to try is going to http://www.behavioraltech.org to see if there is a DBT therapist in your area. DBT-trained therapists really know how to work with clients who have BPD.

Thanks Ann for the link. I looked it up and there are no therapists listed in MS. That's about right.

I went to my Dr today and received lexapro, xanax and topomax.

We shall see. Right now I feel tired.

They set me up with a psych that is supposed to call me back for an appointment.

I will be going to bed very early! Hopefully I will sleep through the night.

Thanks again!

If you live anywhere near Horn Lake, Moss Point, Ocean Springs, or Olive Branch, you can get to an Emotions Anonymous meeting. Let me know if it's possible and you're interested. I hope you can find some form of support.

pss,
hang in there. i can hear how badly you are hurting. i'm so glad you got in to see a doc. my thoughts are with you.

I do and I am!! Very interested!

I can get to Ocean Springs very easily. Could you point me in the right direction?

Thanks so much Ann.

Thank you cricketeeny! I appreciate your thoughts.

I am going to PM you the information, so look for a message.
You can find out about Emotions Anonymous here:
http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/
I have met some very nice people at my meetings.

By the way, apropos of nothing, all those cities I listed have such nice names!