BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi, my name is Sara. I think I may have BPD and I'm going to see a psychiatrist on Tuesday next week to find out.

Here's my story. My family has a history on all sides of mental illness. Diagnosed and not diagnosed. I had an abusive childhood, and was abandoned by my Father. I think my Mother had BPD. Growing up with her was like walking on egg shells. I never knew when something I did would set her off into her rages.

Now, as a 27 year old mother of two young kids, I see so much of her in me and it's scary. My little sister was diagnosed a few years ago with Bipolar I, and borderline personality disorder. It's because of her that I began researching about the disorder, and in doing so I see so many symptoms that describe me to a "T".

I have a history of post partum depression, and clinical depression. So far I've only ever been seen by a family doctor. I was on zoloft for 2.5 years, but stopped taking it last summer. I just didn't feel like it was helping.

Some of the main reasons I think I may have BPD are:
• My emotional rollercoasters. I can go from happy one minute, to completely sobbing and depressed, to raging, to mania. All in one day. I feel all over the place.
• I'm verbally abusive to my husbnd and kids, depsite how much I don't like to be. It's like out of my control. I scream, and become almost blinded by emotion without reason to justify it.
• I deffinately have black & white thinking. All or nothing, and I have been that way for as long as I can remember.
• I have an insaine self loathing for myself. I hate myself, and everything about myself.
• I can't accept a compliment, and am very very hard on myself. I focus on only the negative.
• I don't take criticism well. It affect my job a lot, since I'm a graphic artist. My company is always asking me to revise my work, and I hate them for it.
• I have suicidal thoughts, and thought about hurting myself. I have not acted on any of these thoughts.
• I suffer often from depression, and cry almost daily over just about anything.
• I am often very impulsive. I don't drink or do drugs, or sleep around or anything. But when I decide I want something, or want to do something I have to do it. Things like going to Lowes, renting a carpet shampooer and shampooing my carpter at 9 o'clock at night.

There's more that I can't think of now. I do know that these "symptoms" are ruining my marriage, scraring my kids, and affecting my job. Sometimes it's like I can't function or think straight, and it can affect me for days at a time.

I'm scared for myself. I feel broken. I feel like I should be able to control my emotions and I can't.

Thank you for listening, and for sharing your own stories. It helps to not feel alone.
Sara

Hi Sara! Welcome. Well, you have described me perfectly! I have all of those symptoms too! But you know what? I am better. I began seeing a T 2 1/2 years ago and he diagnosed me. I have been getting therapy and using DBT skills and know a lot more than I used to. So things CAN improve for you! There are tools here that you can use - they are on the left side of the page here. I come here every day and have learned a lot. So dont' despair - you can help yourself and begin to recgonize the negative behaviors and learn to stop them. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication, but it can be done! I'm so glad you came here!!!!

Hi Sara,

I agree with BG -- you CAN get better. It isn't easy, but with hard work it's definitely doable. I hope your new psychiatrist (we call them pdocs around here) will listen and not dismiss your concerns. If therapy is at all possible for you financially (I hope it is!) ask him/her for a referral -- it's very hard to work through all this stuff without a neutral but supportive person by your side. And if he suggests medication, give it a try. If Zoloft wasn't right for you, maybe something else will work. Keep in mind that there's no drug for BPD specifically, but easing your depression will help you do the work you need to do. A lot of us have also taken one of the atypical anti-psychotics or something similar to help stabilize our moods.

I'm glad you found us -- you're welcome here with or without the diagnosis to work on your issues.